Hello to all! Might be cuz I'm not working yet, I'm not out there day in day out like most of you. I'm just not hearing any jokes & the ones I do hear make my little sister angry. Not exactly politically correct & dead baby jokes are out of the question. It may be that the economy has put a stranglehold on us, or that we are so stressed out noone takes the time. Where are the political jokes? C'mon! McCain & Palin must have a handful each! My father could rattle off 100s of them. Always knew politically incorrect & racist ones. I'd hate to think that the art of good joke telling is now a lost art, thanks in part to the internet. Driving trucks, I always came across a few good ones a week... So hook a sister up! I'll take any, I don't care how poor! If you think someone reading it here will laugh when they read it, then please post it here. I'd like to hear some of the best ones, though. I'm on a mission! Initially to get clean ones to tell my sister, but I just plain miss hearing them myself. I'm sure I'm not alone on this. Please tell us your best ones...Thanks & C'ya! SB7

   I just read an article via ClayJunky about Palin's support of aerial killing of wolves. According to it, she also supports drilling for oil in the last chunk of pristine America, the National Arctic Wildlife Refuge. She opposes listing the Cook Inlet Beluga whale as an endangered species. There's more, very hard to stomach if you love animals... http://www.grizzlybay.org/SarahPalinInfoPage.htm

   The Anchorage Daily News (adn.com) "The 180 volunteer pilots & aerial gunners who are the backbone of the program CAN GET $150 CASH FOR TURNING IN LEGS OF FRESHLY KILLED WOLVES, GOV. SARAH PALIN'S OFFICE ANNOUNCED."

   She is also the proud winner of the 2008 Rubber Dodo Award via the Center for Biological Diversity. She is seeking to remove Endangered Species Act Protection for the polar bear. She denies that global warming is caused by greenhouse gas emmisions. " Gov. Palin has waged a deceptive, dangerous & costly battle against the polar bear," said Kievan Suckling, executive director of the Center for Biological Diversity. "Her position on global warming is so extreme, she makes Dick Cheney look like an Al Gore devotee." Go to http://www.biologicaldiversity.org/news/press_releases/2008/palin-09-17-2008.html 

  Please see original link at: http://www.akwildlife.org/content/view/135/61/

I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions...Quite dubiously yours & proud of it, SB7

P.S. Thanks ClayJunky for this asskicking SNL V.P. video spoof hookup!!

http://www.nbc.com/Saturday_Night_Live/video/clips/vp-debate-open-palin-biden/727421/

   Mornin' all! I just wanted to say that at least two good things happened this week. Most recently, 13 years later Mr. OJ Simpson is found guilty, in jail bound for prison. The families of his victims must be elated. That was great news, not known for how many years exactly yet. Am I sick to be happy about this? I hope he's a crippled old fart in his late 80s if he gets out. Chances are if the sentence is longer than 20 years, he'll die in there. He quit being a healthy athlete many moons ago & I hope his lavish lifestyle catches up w/him w/a vengence! Surely I can't be alone on this...

   The other news I personally was thrilled about is the fact that hurricane Laura never materialized. More importantly she never made landfall anywhere near the U.S. I'm sure you're thinking, SB7, why in God's name are you so happy about that? I mean no hurricane is ever considered "good news", aside from the obvious, why would you care? I'll tell ya why~I have a handful of really great friends that live on or near the Gulf of Mexico & the Atlantic Coast. I give a damn about them. My first name IS Laura & while noone could blame me or hold me liable if she did get shitty, I for one didn't want the negative connection w/my name. I also didn't want to see people losing lives, homes, etc. See people crying on the news from her...

   So there you have it! Not anything really deep or profound. Nothing about large friggin' insects for once. Just two more things that I had absolutely no control over in this life, that turned out pretty good. Both are nightmare material & have caused significant change & personal loss in the past. Not to mention unnecessary loss of life, damage, pain & emotional trauma. The difference though is quite simple. One is a free, natural force of God & the other is a premeditated, greedy asshole behind bars at last. Can I get an "Amen?" C'ya!

   Hey people! My mother in Chicago sent me an article written by Jim Kirby, author of a column entitled "Outdoors." I tried some of these & had mixed results:

FIRST: "The emergency number worldwide for cell phones is 112. If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your network & there is an emergency, dial 112 & the cell phone will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, AND this number 112 can be dialed even if the keyboard is locked ", He didn't try this, I keyed in 112 while my cell was in locked mode & 112 appeared on the phone's screen while still showing it locked! I called, screen said "Emergency Services" & I had to explain that this was a test call, because of the article my mom sent...He said "glad I could help" & laughed. So that works, however I was w/i my network at the time...

SECOND: "If you lock your keys in a car that has keyless remote entry, & the spare remote is at home, there's hope! Have someone at home call your cell phone w/a cellphone, hold your phone about a foot from your car door as they press the unlock button holding it near their phone at the other end. Your car will unlock, distance is no object - You could be hundreds of miles away, so if you can reach someone who has the other remote for your car (& a cell phone) you can unlock the doors (or the trunk)."

THIRD: "Hidden battery power. If your cell phone's battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370# your cell will restart with this reserve & it will show a 50% increase in battery." I have T mobile & a Nokia phone...I tried it & this did not work for me. If it works for you, please post a comment stating the type of service & phone you have.

FOURTH: "How to disable your STOLEN cell phone - To check your cell phone's serial number, key in *#06#...A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This # is unique to your handset. Write it down & keep it somewhere safe. If your phone is stolen you can call your service provider & give them this code. They will be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless!" I keyed this in & DID get "Serial no. ***************."

FIFTH: "Cell phone companies are charging $1 to $1.75 for 411 information calls. Dial (800) FREE 411, or (800) 373-3411 without incurring any charge at all. Program this into your cell now." I will try this, next time I need information, but did not test it. He didn't either.

"Kirby comment: Haven't tried any of this out but sounds intriguing if it works." If anyone knows of any other cool cell phone codes, post them in "comments" here please!

   So I'm in the backyard, kicking it in a chair soaking in a few rays. Not to tan, just to get a little color in my face. Only an occasional light breeze to stir anything.. I hear a brief rustle of leaves- then silence again. My eyes are closed, and I don't open them until I hear another burst of leaf rustle.. Now I have to look. We have a basement & so recessed steel curved window wells at each window, most of them are level w/the concrete, some sag on one side. First I look down at the concrete. I see only one crisp leaf w/no critters nearby.. one leaf wouldn't make that much noise. Must be in the window well. Then I remember that my hubby had seen a baby robin in the yard the day before. So much for sunbathing, I must see if it's this bird or a mouse. I strain my eyes in the bright sunshine & peer into the shaded window well. About a 2" layer of dried leaves, a cigarette butt & a candy wrapper....no bird. Must stay still...I still don't see anything big enough to make that much noise. Then I see it. One of those huge nuclear sized grasshoppers! Shit! My hubby is a big guy, but he absolutely hates grasshoppers. So I go into the kitchen & get the bug zapper.

   For those of you who have never used this wonderful device, picture this: A small plastic tennis racket w/steel wires instead of nylon connected to 2 "AA" sized batteries in the handle. ZAP! I bought one of them from a fav RV customer whom I brought freight to. My brother-in-law, who rents the basement was quite impressed w/this device. He likes the most technologically advanced items, & so w/pure GLEE in his eyes came home w/the Hummer version; this one took 2 "D" batteries!! Now you're playing with power! The old one would sometimes kill a yellow jacket when the batteries were new. It would at least stun them until you got 'em to the ground & smashed them. I just had to check out this beast! Out to the backyard, there's a yellow jacket! It's hanging around a sunflower "SNAP!" WOW! He never stood a chance. He's dead too! You see a visible spark w/this thing in broad daylight! I love it!

   So, armed with the Hummer zapper I go outside & after searching for a bit, find the grasshopper again. I lower it into the window well. Move it around a bit...ZAP! But he's not dead, just stunned. As long as you hold the red button in, the bug in question is glued to it- wings or not. These batteries are the same ones from last year, & so are a bit weaker. So I hold the button in, & bring him over to some concrete. I end his life w/a flat rock & put him on a wide wooden garden box border so I can be my hubby's hero when he sees it. A bird can feast on it there, as well. He was impressed! So then I notice that there's a mob of yellow jackets hanging around the sunflowers. The batteries are noticeably weaker, so I must stay attuned to each bastard I zap, they may retaliate if I don't get them to ground level fast enough & snuff their existence. Keep in mind that I used two entire cans of wasp killer on one of their nests they built in a crack in the concrete a about a month ago. That was a two day event! I also have one of those bait traps hanging w/about 30 drowned in it. Now I see at least a dozen, one dozen too many as far as I'm concerned. So one by one I scooped & swooped til I had one, brought it to the concrete- in bare feet no less. Smacked it w/a fly swatter & tossed it into some ground cover so nobody steps on a stinger. I only had one that was smart or lucky enough to land on the plastic part & fly away! 11 confirmed dead plus the huge grasshopper. Not too shabby!

   So to the ladies out there, I'm telling you the industrial strength bug zapper works best. If you hear a mosquito buzzing in your house at night, simply wave it through the air w/the button pushed in & walk slowly. You don't have to turn on a light...just wave it. ZAP! You'll see the spark at night even w/the light weight version..Got him! A spider can be trickier & you must be braver- you'll have to hold it flush on the wall & move w/it, but in a second or so they raise a leg to run & "ZAP". Walk it over to the trash & shake it out. If the spider is up where the wall meets the ceiling, better get the broom! RV & BBQ supply places usually sell them, call first. Or shop online, but they work great. Make sure they carry the one that takes two "D" batteries, don't settle for less! Off to get some more...12. 12 Yellow jackets!! Mwua...ah..ah..ah!! And counting...Tell us your wasp related incidents! Turnem's will give a free plane ride to the best story, won't you Turnems? C'ya!   

   I grew up a tomboy, in case you didn't guess. The only kids my age in the hood were boys. My sisters & I were all 3 years apart, I was the middle kid between them. I spent more time helping my dad w/working on the car, cleaning the garage & small home repair projects/painting the house, etc. While my sisters grew up playing w/barbies, makeup & doing their nails. I cut all the grass, front, back & back lot behind the fence. I shoveled all the snow, til 10 at night sometimes. My dad drove a truck in that crap all day & I'd be damned if he was gonna get stuck in his own driveway! These things made me more self sufficient , so I'm glad I learned how to work hard & do a job to the best of my abilities for little pay. I knew he appreciated it, to the extent that he bought a snow blower only AFTER I moved out! 

   One of the only other ways to spend time w/my dad was to hang out w/him while he listened to the cubs on the radio in the backyard (weather permitting) or on TV. Or watch the Bears on TV in the basement w/him while he drank his rum & cokes or beer. I had to wait for commercials to ask him questions, but he always shared his knowledge. He was an avid newspaper reader & listened to sports on WGN Radio most of the day while driving. He was one of those guys that could quote current stats on players accurately on a weekly basis. He knew his shit, but sometimes like me, would let his sense of loyalty blur the reality that existed- he loved his teams. He would get pretty quiet sometimes when one of his favorites lost, or be screaming mad when a ref or ump made a bad call. He'd use more colorful language at these times, but always apologized. Strange as it sounds, I felt closer to him at these times; I never knew him to talk like that in front of my sisters- letting his hair down so to speak, treating me like "one of the guys" or the son he never had. I felt priveledged that he included me in this part of his world that mattered so much to him.

   Two things I learned later, as I grew up. One: Not all parents drink every night & Two: If you are born on the Southside of Chicago, you're supposed to be a White Sox fan, NOT a Cubs fan. My dad always loved the Cubs & we never watched or listened to the White Sox. I found out later when visiting an "old neighborhood" friend who was now a bartender that this was how it was "supposed" to be...Picture a rectangular shaped bar w/a matching 3 foot drop drown box above. The interior of this drop down is wall to wall w/pictures of Bulls, Blackhawks, Bears, White Sox... wait a minute.."Hey Ray, why aren't there any pictures of Cubs players up there? How can you work in a place that doesn- "Shut up!", he hisses at me under his breath! Crossing the 16' length of bar over to me in 3 long strides."Don't talk about the Cubs in here Laura! You'll get our asses kicked!" under his breath.This dumbfounded me. I had no idea that the rivalry was that strong. Dad never talked about THAT to me.. "Ray, when we were kids, you gave me a Cubs clock for a wedding gift! You gonna deny your loyalty to the Cubs & put up a front for these  people?" "You're damned right I am! We can talk Cubbies anywhere but in a Southside bar! Christ Laura!" Hell, it wasn't like being a GB fugdepackers fan in Chicago, was it? I guess so!

   Sad to say that today, in Chicago, you can buy Division rivals jerseys & shirts. NOT when I was a kid. I clearly remember seeing cars that bore their bumper stickers w/flat tires or broken windows. Or both! We just laughed..kinda asking for it...Which reminds me of a another true story I want to share w/you. My first truckdriving job was driving a flat-nosed Mack truck flatbed for a metal company. We sold custom cut aluminum, brass & copper in every form imaginable- sheet, rod, tube, bar, etc. I was making a delivery to AMF in winter, so was wearing my Chicago Bears jacket. Well this place was a huge warehouse (about the size of a football stadium) & across the way where there's another aisle, I can't help but notice this guy running the same direction as I'm walking. I walk fast- if you don't walk fast enough in downtown Chicago, you get run over! Finally he gets ahead of me & starts running my way at the next intersection. He's waving his arms, so I figure he needs to talk to the guy walking w/me. We stop, & totally breathless, he asks," Are you from Chicago?" I tell him yes & he hugs me. We start BSing & he says, " I gotta tell ya this one story, then I'll let you go..He & his friends are at a bar one wintry night watching the Bears/GB Packers game. There's a slightly obnoxious GB fan there, but he's behaving, so they ignore him. As the game wore on, 2 things became inevitable; 1) The Bears were NOT going to win & 2) GB fan is too drunk to have enough sense left to keep his mouth shut. He must have thought he was back home in WisCONsin or something cuz he's talking way too much smack about the Bears...So, after he made his final snide remark, they calmly took him outside, removed his GB jacket, duct taped him to a stop sign & put his jacket over his shoulders. Then they sat in the warm bar, laughing their asses off at the mouthy GB fan. Did I mention it was 10 below zero out? Hey, he had his jacket on! Other Bears fans would drive up & I'll let your imagination fill in the blanks. Best part was a few hours later when a Chicago cop pulled up to the stop sign. He stopped, looked at the GB fan, looked left, then right, then kept going down the street! C'ya!!