Over a week.... and not one post from me....

It's times like this, I wonder, was I missed.... did anyone notice my absence.... what is that smell?

Another wonderful day at the office. Sun shining (but it's fragging cold), birds chirping (little bastards are giving me a headache), squirrels fornicating (.... ha ha ha... squirrels...)....

There's been so much occuring over the past few weeks, but I just haven't gotten around to writting a blog... here, or on my blogger blog.... http://sabre419shovel.blogspot.com/

It's like I'm caught in this wonderful-frightening whirlwind of the most amazing and hardest expeiriences in my life, and for once, I'm not writting about them... and I'm really not sure why...

We've all heard me rant and rave about my truck... From the crappy trans to the "Bucks" vanity plate on the front... And now, it is my solomn duty to report to you--- The trans has died.

It's been a touch and go battle for a while... especially the past two weeks... but as of Monday, 5:07 PM EST.... the trans is no longer among the running.... and it's way too much for me to get it fixed.

Moment of silence...................................................... that's enough dots...

So... in the midst of vehicular deficiency, and economic drought... why am I not ranting and raving in 5 stressed out posts per day about how wretched and horrible it all is???

Her.

That's all I'll say.

So, that's that. In the midst of the hardest moments i've faced in many years, I have the most wonderful reason that i've ever had to be happy. Call me crazy, call me lucky, call me a cab (if you're paying of course... :-)..) but, for once, Kenny G. isn't gonna freak out... Because, for once, he's pretty sure he's gonna make it through...

Oh yeah... and I picked a Hell of a time to try and quit smoking. :-)

Yay for being cranky at work!!! :-)

- Kenny G.

Before your belly hurts from too much food... let it hurt from laughter..

(I just said belly... in an already lame line of text... sober, mind you.... what is wrong with me???)

Ah, heck with it... I'm in a good mood. And now, funny stuff I've found to brighten up this blog!!

A few pictures.....




One of my favorite jokes....

Did I ever tell you about my time in Scotland?
Well, while I was there, my friend took me to a traditional Scottish bar, and, it was a lot of fun.
Everyone was drinking, and carrying on... except one guy, sitting off in the corner... alone...
After a few beers, I finally asked "What's with him?"
My buddy said "Oh, that's Shamus... If you really wanna know... go ask him..:"
So, I did..
I sat down, and asked "Pardon me sir, but, with everyone here having so much fun, how can you be so sad?"
He looked up from his beer and said "You want to know, I'll tell ya..."
"You see that road out there, that you walked here on... the cobblestones and such?"
"Yes, it's beautiful..." I reply..
"I built that road, brick by brick...and hundreds more like it" Shamus said. "But... do they call me Shamus the Road Maker?... No!"...
"Did you see those stone walls, lining the road?"
"I did" I uttered, before he continued.
"I built that wall.. stone by stone, and thousands like it..... But do they call me Shamus the Wall Builder?... NO!"
He stopped... took a long drink from his beer.. then said...



"But you fuck one goat....."

(I truly love that joke... Especially when I can pull off a half-way acceptable Scottish accent when I tell it....)

And lastly, a hilarious song... but not one for the weak stomached...

http://www.goodeatsfanpage.com/Humor/Music/cats_in_the_kettle.htm

Happy Thanksgiving Everybody!!

- Kenny G.

Ever have one of them moments where, you have two things you need to do, but only the chance to do one of them? I will, on Friday...

This Friday, as much of the world is still recovering from their poultry-induced coma, I get to choose between going to work, or not going to work.

And my psycho-keister has picked work.

It may sound crazy, but there are reasons for my madness:

1: I need $$$ - Do you know how much beer it takes to get me up in front of a bar full of people, singing "Bodies"... I'll tell you... 2 - 2 &1/2 pitchers... And as cheap as they are, I can't pay for them with bits of lint and pennies...

2: Getting out of the homestead - While it's nice to have a place to sleep off the night before, and store all my crap... it gets kinda tiresome. My cat (yes... a single male with a cat... begin the mockery now..) tends to get annoying after 20 straight minutes of constant attention... and I need a break. While it's not the most enjoyable place, the office can be quite peaceful, with just me, my work, and my music.

3: The whole building will be empty - We actually have 4 or 5 businesses that work out of this building, the largest group being the printing company that owns the building, the second being us. They are closed on Friday. My bosses are taking the day off. Our lead tech is taking the day off. Odds are good I will be the only MF'er in the whole building... hence the joke our tech made of "Eh, just go in in your boxers.. who's gonna notice??"... I doubt I will... but it would be nice to go in jeans and a ratty t-shirt for once.

4: Getting projects done, at my own G-D pace - My project list is a bit longer than both my boss' and the lead tech's combined. I have to do all the hard stuff to make things easier on them. It sucks... but to have a whole day to just be in, with (hopefully) quiet phones... I may actually get some stuff done around here... And, in my off times, I can FOD my little brains out in peace, rather than having to try and write a much-too-long blog post in ten separate stints, stopping for every issue that pops up.

5: I'm a cave troll - I really, truly, have no life. Now that Dart League is on hiatus... I have no plans on most nights, so henceforth, i'd really have little to do all day Friday, unless I pop in to work.

So, if you awaken from your Turkey-Nap, and feel so inclined as to say Hello, I'll be on...

See Ya on National Foul-Feast Recovery day!

- Kenny G.

Ok, so, since I talk about darts, and my awesome dart team, all the time... and, since our season ended last night... I'm gonna explain our dart league set-up, and the games we play, so that all who are interested are on the same page...

Ok... so in any given week of play, we play 6 games of single's 301, and 6 games of partners cricket...

301: Each player begins with a starting score of 301 points, (minus any hadicap given by the goofy little rule book we have, but this is unimportant) and each dart you throw subtracts from your score, unless you hit outside the scoring area, AKA: the black part.
The objective of the game is to reach 0, exactly, before your opponent. If you, say, have 14 points remaining, and hit a 15 by accident, you "Bust", remain at 14, and lose any remaining darts for that turn.

Cricket: Each player (or team, in this case) must "close", AKA, score three times in, each of the following board segments, in no particular order: 20's, 19's, 18's, 17's, 16's, 15's and bullseye's...
If one team happens to "close" a number on the board, and the other team has yet to "close" that same number, any subsequent darts that strike the "closed" number, on the "closed" team's turn, scores points for the "closed" team, until the other team also "closes" that number. The game is won by the team who "closes" all their numbers first and has the most points.

Of course, gotta explain the board, just for posterity's sake.... 20 segments, labeled (ironically) 1-20... bullseye in the center of the board, the outer ring of the board is worth double the points (or "marks" in cricket) of that segment, the small inner ring is worth triple, the center piece of the bullseye, AKA: the red-eye, counts as a double bullseye (in all dart rules I've encountered, at least..)

Ok... now that I've ensured that I look like an over-anylitical tool.... and everyone is on the same page...

Our 301 games are worth 2 points each match, Crickets are worth 1 point, and there is a tie breaker bonus point, based off of which team had fewer points remaining in all of their 301 games that night.

That being said.... We finished the season 3-11.... and fell last night 16-3...

We were just whole heartedly outshot by a playoff team.... so outshot they actually have a good shot of moving up to 3rd place, which is a much more desirable playoff spot... Since they don't have to face the undefeated 1st place team in the first round...

And... I got humiliated in my 301... I shot like the south end of a north bound dog...

But hey, there's always next season... and as is our team motto... "Fuck It!"

- Kenny G.

To quote the other famous boy who's head is made of wood....

"I'm a real boy now!!!"

Yay... confetti... firecrackers... and such...

Blog post 42, AKA: The meaning of life... according to Douglas Adams, and my 1000th comment, in the same night....time for a look back over the past months... and the fun we've had... It's a clip blog!!!

First... a few past comments to reminisce over:

... turnems: I'm alot funnier when your drunk too. (in response to my status.. which was... "I'm a lot funnier when you're drunk...)

... skinnymatt: The problem with that is I am the owner of the shock collar. I bought it for my dog, and then i remembered that I am a moron and moron would try it on himself first. It was shocking. (in response to my blog post where I admit wearing a shock collar... for money...)

...LDeeahhhblow: Thx for reading /commenting. You should start a thread, "Things I've done to get laid!" Good stuff! Hope all is well! (And, I did start that thread... my first thread authorship.. and it was fun)

...buttermilk: the wings...no accounting for taste I guess (in response to a Canadian hockey vs American hockey banter... Gotta love a person who loves Hockey :-) .. )

... mpg79: May I be'eth your queen? (in response to my cap win... http://www.funnyordie.com/captions/995955?sort=rating ... which caused me to change my status too "Feels like king of the world"...)

Now... a few moments that will always stand out in my mind....

... A birthday roast forum thread... for me...
http://www.funnyordie.com/forums/1/topics/217389
I've had a few birthdays were my "flesh and blood, see my ugly ass on a daily basis" friends, didn't show me as fun a time... Thank you, all of you...

...Of course... some of you may remember the "Comment Race" I had with drizz...
http://www.funnyordie.com/blog/posts/4178
In the end... he beat me... And I keep those 10 "You Sucks" he gave me (as per the bet...) as a badge of honor...  It was a hard fought contest... and it was quite a bit of fun to see what happens when a silly little game begins... and FOD members are asked to "Go Nuts"... God knows I wouldn't have most of the posts I have without this little experience...

...There was, of course... that little video I put out... That looked like it was shot throught a paper bag... and featured my lack of Karaoke talent... and would never have been, if vijayind hadn't given me a lead on a program to, and I kid you not... rotate the video 90 degrees... Fun Times!!! Thank you, Vijay!!!!

From Dave's Caption contest, to blogs about people living in the attic... from creepy x-mas songs involving walgreens, to telling verizon wireless to go fornicate themselves...from claymation ninjas to the best looking Kurt Cobain in the world... from suprise forum parties on "wensday night", to a FOD mom who helped me first make friends, and still holds my hand from time to time... This place is a blast... and my home...

I get more "I Love You's" here than I do from my own family... And I promise, they say it... once in a while...

I have sooooo much more to say, and so many more of you to thank... But that's a lot of text... and we all have to go back to work...  but I'm always reading the blogs of my friends... even if I don't comment on them all...

So... with sore typing fingers, and a day's work ahead, I'll close this blog post, and not be a "doinkus"... (A reference to something I was once called (in love, of course...), by Amy4Birds ... my first commenter ever...)

- Kenny G.

I needed to come out. The dirt is cold, the rock is lumpy, and these worms keep eating my cheetos.

So, looks like my hiatus is on hiatus... and I'm talking in circles again...

Time off hasn't accomplished much....



Me finding strange pictures happened though...

Strangely, I feel this picture represents much of your humanity, in which that which we do so light-heated can quickly burn us... Or, how fucking stupid frat boys can be... can't decide which...



Then there is this... The icon of finding sweet and wonderful suprises when you least expect them to come along... tee hee... I love speaking in riddles...

And of course...



For when you know you've found something more than you ever thought possible...

If I've made any sense, please, let me know how... Because even I'm not sure.... :-)

Welcome me back, or Give me a good tongue lashing, I'm ready for anything.

- Kenny G.