Ok y'all.... I just had the best thing EVER! happen to me... Butch paid on his bet!!!!
Long story short: I bet him my Detroit Red Wings would go further last season than his San Jose Sharks would.
... I won...
Payout: Embarassing Karaoke... On Video...
My prize: http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4131b0d785/karaoke-for-kenny
... This man is my hero for manning up and doing this... and still managing to rock the house!!!
Go see it... Funny it... And give the man props... He is a King among men...
Thanks bro... You made my decade! :-)
- Kenny G.
"27 - It can't possibly suck as bad as 26... Right... Unless we lose a limb or something... Great... We're losin a damned limb now... Nice."
All residents are advised to keep me away from all wood chippers, chainsaws, and sharp sporks until next October 5th.
Since Turnems no longer seems to do his Birthday Forum Posts, and since I feel the need to be a whiney little attention whore... (wait... Whores make money... Attention SLUT... Yeah, that's the ticket.)... I felt the need to write a Happy Birthday meassage to.... Me! :-)
Just clowning everybody... Althought today, October 5th, is indeed my Birthday. So, I'm asking you all to do me a special favor today, and go do something fun today, and dedicate it to me. (If you happen yourself to enjoy the activity you partake in, that is simply a matter of coincidence... Unless it's your birthday too... Which in that case, Happy Birthday!)
PAAARRRRTAY!!!!
Now... Who has a cake? I'm hungry. :-)
-Kenny G.
"Hey there young fella (and the other 20 people around you in this cramped ass little room)... All you gotta do is go get your own insurance license (.. No, we won't help with/payfor one bit of it), and then we can train you how to sell our crap, and make boat loads of money for us, while you wait patiently for your 'Commision Check.' ... Hourly pay? Heck no, you aren't even considered an employee to us!... Wait.... Where are you going?"
Just like when I foolishly considered selling Cut-Co knives, this was a sales pitch, aimed at mindless sales drones who don't actually care about financial security, and probably overestimate their sales skills. Commision only? Not for me thanks... I like knowing when I'm gonna get paid... And since when does "Work from home" mean "Drive to senior citizen's homes and try and hock insurance"????
... Well at least I got this email from MGM Casino about the dealer position I applied for.......... Which has already been filled.
........
*SLAM..... SLAM SLAM SLAM*
I feel better now.... Except my head hurts.... And the drywall needs repair now.
Ok... Who has a horse, and where is your shovel? My dignity has fianlly been quelled....
- Kenny G.
As a result of my time away, I have missed out on so many opportunities for bloggity goodness, I feel ashamed. I mean, between Kanye's Grammy stunt, The Detroit Tigers actually having a chance at the playoffs.... AND THE FUCKING LIONS WINNING A GAME!!!!!!
... I've missed so much.... Not to mention all the blogs and vids my FOD friends have created while I've been away.... But there's a reason...
You see, my dear friends.... On July 24th, 2009, at 9:32 AM... My job was devoured by the evil economy monster that plagues our lands, and calls it's home "Michigan."..... Fucking state. ;-)
Why, yes, you eagle eyed superstar... That was the day right after my last blog. :-)
Coincidence??? Well, um... Yeah.
It was just because it was Friday, at the end of the pay cycle, and my boss... sorry... EX-BOSS... is a shortsighted dickbag.
So, in the aftermath of this blow to my ego (And savage, lube-free violation of my finacial well-being)... Some changes have been made:
A) I had to give my cat to the Humane Society. Fucking sucks. Nuff said.
B) I had to give up my place, as it's far too costly for what "Unemployment" gives as it's pittance.
C) I had to move in with friends. Yes, the same friends I was house-sitting for. Guess all my bitching and complaining about them being gone was a shitty thing to do, eh?
D) I've had to spend as much time as my body can allow on "Job Hunting" in this forsaken wasteland of a state.
E) Amazingly, through all of this, I've been able to maintain my status of "Not getting any", so, yeah... Things are just peachy, thanks for asking. ;-)
That all being said, I'm still alive, and eating... so I guess my complaints are rather silly, and I need to quit hiding, especially from here.
On the bright side, I have had time to find a few new online hobbies.... Including (God, how do I know I'll regret admitting this....??).... Being on Twitter!!!! :-)
Yes, you too can now waste precious cell phone battery life, and valuable text messages, to hear that @sabre419 doesn't like this new brand of toilet paper. Hurray!!!
But seriously, if you are on Twitter, follow me.... I keep it short and simple (as I only have 2 followers that read my tripe as of now)... So lemme know.
I guess, what I really came her to say, most of all, is I miss you, my crazy fellow inmates... So I'm coming back... slowly but surely.... I'm coming back.
So pop the corks and bop the dorks.... Kenny is home, the circle of life continues.
I know, It's not funny.... And this is funny or die... Not "Deep" or die...
But, we've all come accross that piece that really had an impact on us, and we want to share it...
That, and I really wanna bug the author, and let them know someone other than me thought it was a really amazing.
So, without further delay:
Shards Of Never
"A sorrowed soul, wrapped in a silly smile.
A knight's heart, trapped in a recreant's shell.
Boundless love, saddled with searing despise.
Stalwart steadfastness, lost in a torrent of fear and uncertainty.
That is I, a whirling cyclone of mismatched failings,
A great man on paper, a raging failure in the flesh.
I am so worthy, and yet, so insignificant.
The great contradiction, forever consistent in his inconsistency.
I am the friend who will sit beside you, without response, as vicious and meaningless barbs alike, tear into my soul, breaking me down, yet will bow in regret and atonement when but one jesting word from my mouth has offended, all the while, ready at a moments notice to stand at your shoulder against those who'd threaten you.
I carry love for those I know, those I hold dear, love so strong, my simple ways can never express properly. There is nothing, if it is within my means, that I would not give for Mine, but I pull away in shame when a hand reaches to lift me from my trench, because I refuse to believe I could ever be worthy of such care.
A mind, sharp, witty, focused, buried within a husk of desolation and self-pity. My mind, heart, soul, are filled with dreams, goals, hopes. And yet, in a instant, my mind, my heart, shatter those moments of glory into shards of never will be, and drag everything into the shadows, to see only loathing and tears.
I believe always in those I call Mine, the truest and deepest parts of them that not even they themselves can see, their true strength, their true worth, and will fight with my last breath to help them see, see that which I refuse to know of myself.
I am the truest of contradictions, the most pious of hypocrites.
I am the most outspoken showman, and yet, you will rarely hear me even speak.
I will hold you upon a pillar, as I cast myself into the mud.
I angrily chastise you for looking down on yourself, as I carve those same words into my own spirit.
The absurd, bound to the tragic, joined with the wonderful.
The greatest of mankind, and vilest example of a person.
That, is I."
... And I'm Kenny!! (I had to say it... Sorry ;-) )
- Kenny G.
(Future quote, once I am no longer house sitting... Names have been changed to protect those who will kick my ass for this comment when they return.)
So yeah... I'm still house sitting..........
They left before Memorial day... are still gone at the 4th of July... and have no definite plans for returning....
................
WTF?!?!?!
I mean, yes... It wasn't a vacation... bad things happened.... I get it....
.... There has been some misfortune during the stay... hey, I understand... Murphy and his God forsaken Law bend me over the wood pile weekly, and never buy me dinner afterwards... I know...
But seriously... What the ever loving, holy Halliburton, Jesus hopped up on a Giant Pixie Stick fuck!!! This is getting r-tarded!!!
I mean, don't get me wrong... I enjoy the dog's company (almost as good as the 12 gauge I used to sleep with).... The birds are cool.... except when they feel the need to go on their 3AM, 3 hour, "Chirp-Fest's"..... Hell... I even enjoy the fish pond from time to time.... mostly when I haven't spent an hour "Elbow-Deep in fish leavings"..... God-Darn that friggin filter....
I mean... seriously... Can anybody reading this tell me they have a friend that could leave their home for 6+ weeks, and baby-sit your domecile? Huh???? Can you?!?!?!
Honestly... My cat won't know who the bloody hell I am when I come back.... assuming the folks watching my place didn't just let him roam free, and say "Feck-It"....
And, I haven't spent time there in 6 weeks.... why am I paying an Electric Bill!!!!!!!
So, here is the contest.... What would your first words be to the lovely couple, when they return home after all this time? The winner, judged by me, gets a cookie.... Deliverable the next time I am in their geographic area. :-)
Ok..... I'm just a tad stressed right now... as I'm spending vital time tending to this home, when I could be getting my own "sitch" settled, and get the Holy Hartford out of this dessicating state we call Michigan....
But no....
I gotta go buy Parakeet seed.....
Speaking of which... I gotta end this blog... because the dog wants to go outside again... and find another skunk to play with. :-/
"I'm not usually a praying man..... and I know you're busy... but if you can find the time, and find it in your heart.... Please.... SAVE ME SUPERMAN!!!!!"
- Kenny G.
