WEBVTT

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[CROWD CHEERS]

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ANNOUNCER: HE'S THE OLDEST CELEBRITY IN THE WORLD.

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ANNOUNCER: LIKE, SUPER OLD

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ANNOUNCER: OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER WHEN DANCING WAS A SIN.

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ANNOUNCER: AND BEER WAS SERVED IN A BUCKET.

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ANNOUNCER: BUT IS HE READY TO LEAD?

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[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

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HEY AMERICA, I'M PARIS HILTON AND I'M A CELEBRITY TOO.

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ONLY, I'M NOT FROM THE OLDEN DAYS, 

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AND I'M NOT PROMISING CHANGE LIKE THAT OTHER GUY.

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I'M JUST HOT.

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BUT THEN THAT WRINKLY, WHITE HAIRED GUY USED ME IN HIS CAMPAIGN AD, 

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WHICH I GUESS MEANS I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.

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SO THANKS FOR THE ENDORSEMENT WHITE HAIRED DUDE, 

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AND I WANT AMERICA TO KNOW THAT I'M LIKE TOTALLY READY TO LEAD.

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AND NOW I WANT TO PRESENT MY ENERGY POLICY FOR AMERICA.

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JUST AS SOON AS I FINISH READING THIS ARTICLE ON WHERE 

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I CAN FLY TO-TO GET THE BEST TAN.

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OH, MAUI, LOVES IT. 

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OK, SO HERE'S MY ENERGY POLICY. 

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BARACK WANTS TO FOCUS ON NEW TECHNOLOGIES TO CUT FOREIGN OIL DEPENDENCY, 

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AND MCCAIN WANTS OFFSHORE DRILLING. 

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WELL, WHY DON'T WE DO A HYBRID OF BOTH CANDIDATES' IDEAS? 

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WE CAN DO LIMITED OFFSHORE DRILLING WITH STRICT ENVIRONMENTAL 

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OVERSIGHT WHILE CREATING TAX INCENTIVES TO GET DETROIT MAKING 

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HYBRID AND ELECTRIC CARS. 

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THAT WAY THE OFFSHORE DRILLING CARRIES US UNTIL THE NEW 

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TECHNOLOGIES KICK IN WHICH WILL THEN CREATE NEW JOBS AND ENERGY INDEPENDENCE.

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ENERGY CRISIS SOLVED. 

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I'LL SEE YOU AT THE DEBATES BITCHES. 

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NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE TO GO PICK OUT A VICE PRESIDENT. 

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I'M THINKING RIHANNA. I'LL SEE YOU AT THE WHITE HOUSE. 

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OH, AND I MIGHT PAINT IT PINK. 

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I HOPE THAT'S COOL WITH YOU GUYS. 

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BYE. 

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I'M PARIS HILTON AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE BECAUSE I THINK IT'S TOTALLY HOT.