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(show music plays)

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Hello, my name is Seth 
Galifianakis.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> I'm filling in for my 
brother, Zach, because he

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<v Zach Galifianakis> couldn't be here today. He's at adult fat camp.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> My guest is a famous actor, 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> humanitarian, please welcome 
Sean Penn. Thank you Sean 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> for being on the show.

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<v Sean Penn> You're very welcome.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Zach wrote something 
here, I don't understand what he--

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<v Zach Galifianakis> He says you have a twin brother
 and he wanted me to say, 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> how's your brother, ballpoint?

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<v Sean Penn> Hmmm.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Oh, that's funny! It's like 
the guy's first name is 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> ballpoint and because your 
last name is Penn. 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> I bet you get that a lot. 
Like when people be like, 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> "You'd be funny if your name 
was felt." or like Felt Penn.

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<v Sean Penn> Mmm hmmm.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Your first name is 
Sylvania?

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<v Sean Penn> Yep.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Usually, I don't think my 
brother's that much funny, but I 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> got to give him some credit 
for that one. That's a pretty good spoof.

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<v Sean Penn> Mmm hmmmm.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Who is the true movie star of 
our time, right now?

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<v Sean Penn> You know, I guess the one who 
sort of has it all is--

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Ryan Reynolds?

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<v Sean Penn> --Jack Nicholson. 
 Hmm?

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Ryan Reynolds?

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<v Sean Penn> Ryan Reynolds is--

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Van Wilder.

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<v Sean Penn> Yeah, I saw him in something.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Jack Nicholson is, uh, he's that 
crazy guy that sits at The 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Lakers games. You hang out with him?

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<v Sean Penn> Sometimes.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Where do you guys like to 
eat? Do you all go to Long 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> John Silver's or something 
fancy like that?

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<v Zach Galifianakis> It'd be fun if maybe you and 
I and Jack Nicklaus went to 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> dinner and stuff and I could 
tell him some of my movie ideas.

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<v Sean Penn> Uh huh.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> I have a pug and, my pug, his 
name is Funions. 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> I made this captain's hat for 
him and I put it right on his 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> head and he's crazy looking. 
It's like that guy, Funions, 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> he needs to be in the movies. 
He's got a captain's hat on 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> him and, you know, you just 
take the dog and put him in a 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> movie and he'd be like a taxi 
driver or something like that. 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> People will be like, why is 
there a pug with a captain's 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> hat being a taxi driver in 
New York City.

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<v Sean Penn> You may have something there.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> I'll tell ya something right now. 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> I know you're playing with me.

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<v Sean Penn> No, I'm trying, to be honest, 
I'm just trying to protect,

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<v Sean Penn> cause I know this southern 
kind of hospitality is invasive.

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v Zach Galifianakis> Let me tell you something, 
this country boy right here is 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> not really intimidated. I'll follow you home tonight.

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<v Sean Penn> I'll knock you the fuck out, 
right in your chair.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Real interested in the work 
you've been doing down in Haiti. 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Tell us a little bit about 
that.

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<v Sean Penn> Well after...

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Is there a Six Flags down 
there?

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<v Sean Penn> There's not. No.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> We can move on.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Oh, I forget. This segment is brought to you by Mennen.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Speed Stick by Mennen. You put it under your arms. 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> It makes you feel real good at night and during the day.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> You just kind of have this fresh start. 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Much like America is doing. Oscar night must be so much fun. 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> You must love, I mean, that's the whole reason to get into

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<v Zach Galifianakis> acting is so you can get all dolled up and go out on the

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<v Zach Galifianakis> red carpet and get to talk to people, and people like wanting to 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> know all about your life and stuff.

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<v Sean Penn> Well, I think you can get 
tired very fast of hearing 

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<v Sean Penn> about yourself and talking 
about yourself.

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<v Zach Galifianakis> Really? I don't think. I 
mean, one time, this guy was 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> like, I want to interview you 
for the local paper and I was 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> like, "What?" He was like, 
"What?" And I'm like, "What?"

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<v Zach Galifianakis> He was interviewing me 
because my mailbox got 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> knocked down in my hometown. 
I was like, why does he care? 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> I was like, "What?" And then 
he's like, "Let's do a story on it."

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<v Zach Galifianakis> And I just loved it. I loved that
 the guy came over and wanted to talk

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<v Zach Galifianakis> to me about my story and my 
life and I didn't get tired 

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<v Zach Galifianakis> of it at all. 
I really didn't.

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(show music is playing)

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