WEBVTT

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>> HELLO THERE, WE'RE PORN STARS,

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>> ON THE INTERNET.

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>> HAPPY VALENTINES DAY.

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>> HERE'S 5 REASONS WE HATE FIFTY SHADES OF GREY.

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>> NUMBER ONE.

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>> IT'S JUST CLICHE MALE DOMINATE FEMALE SUBMISSIVE.

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>> SNOOZE FEST.

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>> BORING.

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>> OLD HAT.

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>> THAT'S LIKE THE MOST LAME TYPE OF PORN.

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>> IF YOU WANT SOMETHING LESS ANTIQUATED AND MISOGYNISTIC AND MORE

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>> EMPOWERING TO THE FEMALE

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>> YOU CAN SEARCH ANY ONE OF THESE PORN CATEGORIES.

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>> NUMBER 2,

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>> MOVIE TICKETS ARE EXPENSIVE. 

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>> WHY WOULD YOU SPEND $15 DOLLARS TO WATCH SIMULATED SEX,

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>> WHEN YOU COULD JUST PAUSE THIS VIDEO AND 

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>> TYPE MY NAME INTO GOOGLE

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>> AND WATCH EVERYTHING THEY PRETEND TO DO FOR FREE.

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>> FOR FREE.

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>> PROBABLY WITH BETTER DIALOGUE TOO.

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>> WHICH BRINGS US TO NUMBER 3.

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>> THAT SHIT IS POORLY WRITTEN. 

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>> POORLY WRITTEN. 

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>> IT'S AN INSULT TO PORNOGRAPHY.

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>> HERE'S A TERRIBLE LINE FROM THE BOOK: 

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>> 2 ORGASMS, COMING APART AT THE SEAMS, LIKE A SPIN CYCLE ON A WASHING MACHINE.

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WOW.

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>> THAT SOUNDS TERRIFYING. 

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>> E. L. JAMES SIMILE GAME IS WEEK.

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>> NUMBER 4,

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>> IT'S NOT GOING TO BE SEXY AT ALL. 

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>> DO YOU THINK THEY CAN SHOW YOU SOMETHING SEXY,

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>> IN THE SAME THEATER THEY'RE SHOWING SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS. 

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>> DON'T YOU WANT TO SEE EVERYTHING?

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>> IT'S 2015.

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>> WHERE'S THE DICK?

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>> WHERE'S THE DICK?

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>> WHERE'S THE DICK?

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>> HERE'S WHAT SEX WILL LOOK LIKE IN A MOVIE? 

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(she imitates sexual sounds)

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>> OH YES, THANK YOU.

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BULLSHIT LIKE THAT. 

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HERE'S WHAT SEX ON CAMERA ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE.

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>> HEY, ARE YOU BLURRING THIS OUT?

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>> THIS IS THE INTERNET.

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>> WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? 

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>> IF YOU'RE EMBARRASSED TO WATCH PORN, 

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>> AND YOU'RE NOT EMBARRASSED TO WAIT IN LINE FOR 50 SHADES OF GREY,

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>> THAT'S CRAZY.

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>> WATCH PORN. 

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>> WATCH PORN.

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>> JUST WATCH PORN.

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>> NUMBER 5,

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>> SUPPORT INDEPENDENT CINEMA,

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>> AND GIVE YOUR $15 DOLLARS TO THE ARTISTIC AND MONUMENTAL FILM MAKING ACHIEVEMENT 

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THAT IS BOYHOOD.

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>> BOYHOOD. 

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>> BOYHOOD.

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>> IT'S ONE FAMILY, BUT IT'S ALL OF OUR STORIES.

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>> IT'S ALL OF OUR STORIES.

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>> ALL OF OUR STORIES.

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>> ALRIGHT LET'S (bleep).

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