"Never leave home without your blow up doll," said John. (Pictured with Shirlee Mae in his car.) I couldn't help walking over to John's window to see exactly what the hell he was doing, let's not... more »
"Never leave home without your blow up doll," said John. (Pictured with Shirlee Mae in his car.) I couldn't help walking over to John's window to see exactly what the hell he was doing, let's not forget we were stuck in bumper to bumper traffic anyway and I was bored. After giving John a mild heart attack by knocking on his window while he was, well, a bit busy with Shirlee Mae, he was kind enough to talk to me (I also told him I would send pictures and a video of him and Shirlee Maee to his parents, neighbor and boss if he didn't talk to me.) John went on to explain that a few years back, after being stuck in traffic commuting for 6 hours a day— New York City traffic is brutal, I'll give him that, the normal time killers weren't enough. He had already organized all of his contacts on his phone and laptop in both chronological and alphabetical order, called and texted everyone he'd ever known (who have all since blocked him), wrote all his work emails, photoshopped all of his pictures to look like his family lived under the sea, and had listened to every crappy song he could get his hands on. He was at the end of his wits and taking up knitting or cross-stitching didn't seem like a viable option, as he'd most likely end up stabbing himself in the eye with the needle in a fit of rage. Though he had tried for years, John was a hopeless failure at crafts and had actually been arrested in his teens for stapling cotton balls to his teacher's forehead after failing an "express yourself with cotton" contest. So John decided to try taking his blow up doll, Shirlee Mae, along for his commutes. The result? "I have never felt so alive and free," said John. "I look forward to sitting in traffic. Shirlee Mae never runs out of ideas or energy and man is she flexible. I've been having about 15 orgasms a day and no one to complain about me being a selfish lover." Okay, so, this did lead to John getting dumped by his fiancé, but frankly, he has been too blissed-out to care. I thanked John for his time and slipped him a business card for a local guy who installs tinted car windows. If you're sitting in traffic right now, maybe it's time you didn't turn to your iPhone for comfort– no one wants to hear from you anyway. You've heard that Drake song on Spotify a million times before and thought it sucked the first time. Spare yourself a knitting needle to the eye and get intimate with your own personal love doll.