Fuck
Gene Hackman in Crimson Tide

Marry
Gene Hackman in Hoosiers

Kill
Gene Hackman in Superman IV: The Quest for Peace

1.) I love going to clubs but I hate their lack of cargo shorts.
2.) I can't get enough techno
3.) Salespeople who DON'T want to help you.
4.) They save energy by using the least amount of light possible.
5.) Great place to meet pedophiles.
6.) I need everyone to know exactly where I got my T-Shirt (A& F Lacrosse Rules!)
7.) No uglies!
8.) Did I mention the Cargo Shorts?
9.) Best place to buy clothes before a Date Rape
10.) Comfortable Leather Chairs which are great for reading the Classics.

Last Week My Mom and Stepdad Came to L.A. to Visit.

1.) "Paul, let me ask you something when they make those films (re: porn) are they really erect or is that simulated?"

2.) "You know who I like? The Black Eyed Peas. But ONLY that one song!"

3.) "Is this the gay part of town? The guidebooks says, we'll know when we are in the gay part, but I can't tell"

4.) "I still don't think O.J. did it"

5.) "How Much Cocaine would I have to do to lose 10 pounds?"

Since I'm guest blogging this week at Funny or Die, I figure I'd let you know a little bit about me. 

FACT 1: I used to work at  MEN HEALTH MAGAZINE

HERE ARE SOME ARTICLES I PITCHED THAT WERE TOTALLY REJECTED BY THE EDITORIAL STAFF....