Ok so after my post yesterday, a cousin of mine (distant - thank god) scolded me for calling Joe "The Plumber" a rapist, even though I immediately rescinded the comment and stated that I was only trying to prove a point. She said that I was ignorant to the tax policy of Obama and my rape reference was tasteless and needed to be cleaned up. She also said that I needed to smarten up and grow up. WOW! I thought that I was to old to get scolded. After thinking about this for 1 minute, I decided that she was right; rape is never funny, that is why I created and new TV PILOT called RAPE COP. Here's the preview I wrote:
RAPE COP - RAPING RAPISTS SINCE October 2008
2 people in a car. One is RAPECOP (An attractive hot female cop) the other is a boring detective no where near as attractive as RAPE COP is.
RAPE COP (WHO IS VERY ATTRACTIVE) - You know what really bothers me?
DETECTIVE - What?
RAPE COP - RAPE....
VOICE OVER - In the city of angels armed robbery is up 32%, murder up 55%, but rape is down 100%!!!! Because someone’s raping rapists! And her name is RAPE COP.
RAPE COP - RAPE COP!
INT: SERGENT’S OFFICE- SERGENT IS ON THE PHONE WITH THE MAYOR
MAYOR - Congratulations Sergent. Rape has officially been eliminated in the city of Los Angeles!
SERGENT - Thank-you, Mr. Mayor!!
MAYOR - How did you do it?
SERGENT - With a little bit of hard work and cooperation from the department.
RAPE COP - (Looking into the camera) RAPE COP!
Rape Cop is running, she starts to unbutton her shirt and then dives in the air. She lands on some creepy guy in the park, maybe Joe the plumber.
RAPE COP - Your time is up, rapy. She turns him over.
Screen to Black.
GUY - WHAT???????Nooooooooooooooooooooo!
VOICEOVER - AND NOW IT’S HER TURN NOT TO TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.
INT: SERGENT’S OFFICE - The Sergent is talking to the attractive RAPE COP
SERGENT - This has gotten out of hand. I am going to lose my job! This whole department will go down with you. The whole city.
RAPE COP - Do you think I like raping people?
SERGENT - Yes, I do.
RAPE COP - I don’t rape rapists because I like to, I do it because it’s my job.
SERGENT - You are in Homicide.
RAPE COP - THEN BE GLAD I AM NOT MURDERING MUDERISTS
SERGENT - I can’t cover your ass any longer You have to stop this NOW.
RAPE COP - What if I tell you I can’t and I won’t.
SERGENT - YOU CAN'T KEEP RAPING PEOPLE!
RAPE COP (YELLING) - YOU TELL THAT TO THE RAPISTS.
Rapecop running again and we hear a lady scream. Rapecop starts unbuttoning her pants. She busts in on a very hot couple.
GUY - What the hell?
RAPE COP - Rape is a crime.
GUY - This is my wife, it’s consensual.
WIFE: Yeah, Rape Cop. It’s consensual.
RAPE COP: But is it good?
GUY - Yeah, kinda
WIFE - Ehh, yeah kinda.
CUT TO RAPE COP IN BED WITH THE HOT COUPLE. VERY HOT COUPLE.
WIFE - Thanks, Rapecop!
GUY - Yeah, thanks Rapecop!
RAPE COP (Looking to camera) RAPE COP!
VOICE OVER - Now, you know her name and you know what she is capable of.
RAPE COP - Justice is in your blood. When you are pushed, raping is as easy a breathing. Live for nothing, but rape for something. It’s your call! RAPECOP!!
CHIRON: COMING SOON TO A NETWORK NEAR YOU BECAUSE IT'S IN YOUR OWN HOME.
THANKS COUSIN! ENJOY YOUR HIGH HORSE!
Ok enough with the "Joe's" please. Joe "Six Pack" was enough, now we have to hear about Joe "The Plumber?" Really? He was introduced to us just yesterday and I am already sick of him. I HATE JOE "THE PLUMBER."
These "Joe's" are getting all the attention which makes me a little jealous because let's face it; it's not a very interesting name. NICOL without an E on the other hand is GENIUS! Ask yourself this, when have you ever met a NICOL without the E? I mean, I haven't met another Nicole in this world that spells it the way I do. The candidates should be speaking to me and the yonni's, the babar's, the anok's, the shimalaya's, the pears, peaches and apples of the world. Not the "Joe's." Joe "The Plumber" is only Joe "Six Pack" with a job. At night Joe "The Plumber" IS Joe "Six Pack." See below; 
What is that on the table? It looks like a tub of popcorn, some cigs, his cell phone and a bottle opener. Joe "The Plumber" drinks bottles, not the cans that Joe "Six Pack" does. And you know there is a bottle of Rolling Rock on the end table just out of frame, and end table I might add that matches everything else in the room. Grotesque, Joe "the Plumber" just grotesque.
And JOE "THE PLUMBER" IS THE ONE GETTING ALL THE ATTENTION RIGHT NOW? Joe "The Plumber" is a creep and more importantly a rapist. Is he who we want the next three weeks of this campaign to be geared to??? The creepy rapist?
4 reasons why Joe "The Plumber" is a creep and a rapist;
1) Joe "The Plumber" asked a question about taxes, yet has failed to pay his own and has a federal lien against him. CREEP.
2) Joe "THE PLUMBER" is all up in Obama's face on the campaign trail and said he isn't sure who he is voting for, yet isn't even registered to VOTE. Really Joe? In my book that makes you a CREEP.
3) Joe "The Plumber" said that Barack was "tap dancing better than Sammy Davis Jr" -- No, Joe "The CREEP," Barack was answering a complex question and if you understood the answer you would know that you will get a tax cut on your capital gains, you CREEP.
4) Joe "The Plumber" raped me, that makes him a rapist. Ok not really but if Barack Obama is a terrorist then Joe "The Plumber" is a rapist.
Do we really want to gear the campaign towards a creepy rapist?
What about Anis "The Techy" or Meryll "The Secretary who sends forwards all day?" Have we forgotten what and who's important?
Ok so last night ended with me realizing that there is no way to put a roller-skating rink in my Anne Frank room, but there is a way to get a hot tub in there. Who's with me? Now we all know that I am in a worm hole that involves the election, illuminati, a new world order, the amero, religious war, wars for profit, and so on and so forth. Well tonight I thought I would tackle the religious implications of the worlds end. Ah, comedy! I was watching a video on youtube that was sort of describing what Jesus would say when he got here and "HE" was talking about sins of the flesh and I couldn't help but wonder; Is masterbation a sin of the flesh? If so, I am IN TROUBLE.
Firstly, let me say thanks to the folks at FOD for having me as guest blogger this week. In these trying times, I assure you I will not take this lightly. I am ready, willing, and able to defend my comedic honor (if I have any) in the event of martial law. You should know that I am blogging in my camo pants and nothing else. My neighbors just closed the blinds and my dog won't sit next to me. To hell with them all, I have a blog to write:
I need a little help. It's 9pm and I haven't moved all day. Today was a rough one and I am absolutely starving right now but I am refusing to pry myself away from my computer. I can't stop reading about the Election. I am addicted. I have read some things twice, but today things took a dark turn.
Basically I woke up at 9:30 and decided to "Check" the Huffington Post and 5 hours later, my search spiraled into stories about conspiracy theories, the Illuminati and martial law. I managed to peak my head out of the "Conspiracy spiral" by watching that lady fall down the trap door, but that was it, that was the end of my pleasure. Then it was back to Dick Cheney and Friends. Then 3 hours later, I found myself in the fetal position, drinking a white whine spritzer (yes, I am a gay man.) looking off my balcony and wondering when the end is coming. I fake cried so my dog would come over to me, but it didn't work. In the past 12 hours I have watched four 9/11 conspiracy theory videos, each an hour long. I got an emergency bag together that has my passport, my favorite knit hat and a be be gun in it. And then, I started planning a secret anne frank room, only this time there will be more than a bulletin board with postcards on it. Oh Anne, what were you thinking? My Anne frank room is going to have a snack corner, bongos, paintball guns, a globe to remember the way things used to be, hair product, tap shoes (so I can teach myself) a pasta station, a make-out corner, a sleeping corner (for lamo's!) all kinds of props for the comedy show that me and no one else will put up, a picture of our savior, Angelina, she'd save us, a video camera so I can document the funny things that happen in the dirt hole, maybe a blanket or two and some basic provisions but I want this to be a Sick Anne Frank Room --- with color and a cool vibe. I would love there to be enough room for me to rollar-skate but that remains to be seen. I am still working on it but plan on going well into the night and by tomorrow, if I am not "blogging" you know where I will be. Here's my insensitive dog:
And to think, I thought if he made only $50K a year I would have married him.
