Hey. Why don’t we go for a walk? It’s such a nice day and we haven’t taken a walk through the woods together in ages. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Great, I’m glad you’re up for it.

Wow, look over there! Rabbits! They’re cute, huh? This is already a lot of fun. In fact, this whole week has been fun, hasn’t it? Me, writin’ blogs. You, readin’ them. I really appreciate you doing that, by the way. I know there’s a lot of blogs out there and it means a lot to me that you took the time to read mine.

Gee, every time I come out here, that old oak seems to have gotten bigger and bigger. I wonder how old it is. What if George Washington was once lookin’ at this very same tree? Shucks, I feel like I’m talkin’ too much. After all, you already heard me blab on and on about myself all week, and not once did I ask you anything about yourself. How are things for you? What’s new? Hm?

Oh golly, what would make you go and ask me a silly question like that? Of course we’ll be together forever! You didn’t think I’d just pop in here and blog for a week and then take off, did you? I mean, only a real heel would, uh, would…

–oh wow, aren’t those daffodils pretty? The way they just shine in the sunlight, it can almost bring a tear to your eye. What? Oh no, they’re not really making me cry. I think the wind just blew some dirt into my eye.

Listen. We must be getting close to the river. You can hear the sound of the water gurgling and bubbling and flowing along. I’ve always thought of that as a real peaceful sound.

Why look over there, more rabbits! Why don’t you see if you can get close enough to pet one? There you go, you’re getting close! Don’t keep looking back at me, or you’ll startle the rabbit. What? I told you, it’s just dirt in my eye. Yes, I promise I’m watching you! Just see how close you can get to the rabbit. I bet it’s got real soft fur. There you go! Now just keep pettin’ that rabbit ... you’re not going to feel a thing … No, I didn’t say anything! You must just be hearing the river! And I told to stop looking back at me! Just keep petting that rabbit … just keep petting that rabbit … they say you won’t even hear it com—

…

…

.

Dear Son,

Hey dude, what’s up? How are things? Nice as shit, I hope.

Before you enter this crazy world, I thought I might share with you a few words of wisdom to help guide you along your way. After all, I may not be around much as you're growing up, because I’m a pretty busy guy. I’ve literally got something going on every night of the week this week, and that’s not even unusual for me. So when I’m not there to give you parental guidance, you can turn to this letter to tell you what to do, not unlike the way Christians turn to the Bible. I guess this letter isn’t too different from the Bible, except the Bible doesn’t have awesome drawings of giant squids and machine guns in the margins.

First things first. You should always treat others as you wish to be treated. However, you're occasionally going to encounter people who don’t follow this rule. With those people, it’s okay to harm and rob them. Nobody will mind.

Sometimes (especially when you’re a teenager! –Ed.) you might think your mother and I are being unfair to you. Just know that during these occasions, we are most likely acting with your best interests at heart. Occasionally we’ll be unfair just because your mother and I both derive a lot of pleasure from the act of being unfair to others; it’s what attracted me to her in the first place. But usually it’ll be the best interests thing.

Whenever you feel like criticizing someone else, you might do well to take a good look at yourself in the mirror first. And then try walking through the mirror. Ha ha, tricked you.

You are lucky enough to be born the son of an extremely wealthy, successful, and well-endowed man. When you meet people who are less fortunate than you, wait until they are out of earshot before making fun of them.

Let me know if you’re going to watch The Dark Knight , because I’d like to see it again.

There’s an old saying that really holds true: "You snooze, you lose." However, you should ignore this saying if you ever find yourself a contestant in a sleeping contest.

The day you find you can defeat your father in a fistfight will be the day you also find out that I was just pretending to be unconscious and now I’m sneaking up behind you with a Louisville Slugger.

Love,
Your Dad (Neilerdude)

My apologies if this entry proves too intense for younger readers.

One night in 1989, I saw Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade and was frightened by the scene near the end of the film in which the villain drinks from the wrong grail and rapidly ages until he dies. I was so disturbed by the imagery in that sequence, in fact, that that very night I had a nightmare wherein a disembodied skull said to me, “How old are you? I’m 99!” The skull then bit me on the ear and I woke up, terrified and positive that I could still feel the pain in my ear from the bite.

19 years later, I saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull . For those of you who don’t know, there’s a scene in the film in which Indy survives a catastrophic atomic explosion by craftily hiding in a refrigerator. That very night, I had a nightmare in which Los Angeles (where I live) was decimated by an atomic bomb.

Why did these films give me nightmares? Is there something about the films of Steven Spielberg that overwhelms my subconscious and haunts my dreams? I knew there was really only one way to find out, so I began conducting something of an … experiment … upon myself. I will admit, my friends thought me mad, but for several nights, I watched a Steven Spielberg film right before going to bed, and then kept a dream journal to record how the film influenced my dreams. I think you’ll find the results show I kept less of a dream journal and more of a … nightmare … uh, journal.

The Film : Jaws
Journal : Dreamt that I was trying to kill Jaws … but Jaws was also my mom! Very strange. (NOTE: This dream may have also been influenced by phone conversation I had with my mom earlier this day in which she told me how much she loves eating chum.)

The Film : The Color Purple
Journal : Dreamt that Grimace sat on my face until I couldn’t breathe. Scary.

The Film : Duel
Journal : Dreamt that Sid Sheinberg was yelling at me for going over budget! Woke up wondering who Sid Sheinberg is.

The Film : Jurassic Park
Journal : Dreamt that I was chased by a dinosaur!

The Film : Always
Journal : Dreamt that I was chased by a dinosaur!

The Film : Hook
Journal : Dreamt that a crocodile bit my butt. Wondering if this experiment is worth the mental strain. I can feel myself going quite mad…

The Film : Close Encounters of the Third Kind
Journal : Had a dream that I was eating a huge bowl of mashed potatoes. Woke up and realized that my pajama bottoms were now somehow filled with mashed potatoes. Oh, and piss.

The Film : Artificial Intelligence: A.I.
Journal : Dreamt that I was a mecha being torn apart limb by limb at a flesh fair. Upon waking, I wept for an hour. My sanity now feels as elusive as the blue fairy!

The Film : Minority Report
Journal : No bad dream … but when I woke up, there was a red ball in my mouth!!! A RED BALL! A RED BALL! A RED-

At this point, the entries come to an abrupt end. We may never know why. Although they were my entries, and I’m clearly all right and over it now, so, you know, don’t call the cops or anything.

If you’ve met me and I’ve told you this before, then you already know that I am an avid moviegoer with an eagle’s eye for detail. Keeping that in mind, please take my word for it when I say that it seems like 2008 is shaping up to be the Year of the Flub. Why, you’re certainly asking, would I make such a bold and potentially controversial claim? Because it’s true! Here are just a few of the flubs, goofs, and fuck-ups I’ve noticed so far this year:

WALL-E – During the scene when WALL-E first sees EVE, there’s a boom mic in the shot.

The Happening – For 10 minutes in the middle of the movie, without any explanation, Mark Wahlberg’s iconic character of Elliot Moore is played by a shirtless fat guy eating corn on the cob.

Stop-Loss – Osama Bin Laden isn’t the prime minister of Iraq.

Iron Man – During the scene when Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) begs Lt. Colonel James Rhodes (Terrence Howard) to check his balls to make sure there isn’t any shrapnel in them, Robert Downey Jr. breaks character and begins to giggle several times.

21 - All the playing cards used to play "blackjack" in this film are clearly from a novelty UNO deck featuring illustrations of various Pokemon characters.

Cloverfield – The Statue of Liberty normally has a head. Why did the filmmakers think we wouldn’t notice such a glaring err … hold on ... what’s that roaring? … it sounds like … No! Look! Up there! Oh my God! Oh my God! It’s alive!

The Dark Knight – It seems out of character when Batman throws a hissyfit after his cape tears slightly.

You Don’t Mess With the Zohan – In the scene after the closing credits, when Nick Fury asks Zohan if he’d like to join the Avenger Initiative, Nick Fury’s eyepatch keeps switching eyes.

Sex and the City – Women aren’t really like that!

Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert Tour - During the scene when Hannah Montana is berating her bassist with a five-minute, profanity-laced tirade for flubbing a note during the previous song (“Pumpin’ Up the Party”), her wig slips and you can see some of Miley Cyrus’s brown hair.

Meet the Spartans – This isn’t a confirmed flub, but Greek History scholars aren’t all 100% in agreement that Leonidas, King of Sparta, ever kicked Britney Spears into a pit.

Hi. I’m Neil Campbell. You’re probably wondering, “Who am I?” Well, I don’t have time to deal with your existential crisis, pal, so while you’re busy introspecting, I’m just going to introduce myself. Although, who knows? Perhaps I needn’t do so. Because if you lived in Japan sometime between 1988 and 1990, and you were an avid consumer of children’s clothing catalogs, you may already recognize me:



In the summer of 1988 (AKA “The Summer of Cocktail ”), my family moved to Camp Zama, Japan, just outside Tokyo. In short order, we discovered that blonde-haired, blue-eyed kids are in heavy demand as models in Japan. Now, this may strike you as odd. Why wouldn’t Japanese people want to look at pictures of Japanese children in their catalogs? By holding up blonde-haired, blue-eyed Caucasians as the ideal of physical beauty, doesn’t that belie a national sense of physical self-loathing? Well, in the words of myself at age 8, “Who cares?! As long as the bourbon keeps flowing and the checks keep growing, I don’t give two figs about any nation’s collective self-image! Now bring me two fingers of rye and sit on my lap, my dear!” (I was a precocious child.)

Over the next two years, I found steady work as a child model. Mostly clothing catalogs, with the occasional TV commercial. If it sounds like I’m bragging, well, I am.


The no-pants, raincoat-over-buttoned-up-shirt, holding-my-boots-instead-of-wearing-them look is one that I still rock today.

Of course, as the saying goes, all good things must come to a finish. In the fall of 1990 (AKA "The Autumn of Avalon" ), my dad accepted a job at the Pentagon, we moved back to Virginia, and my modeling days came to an abrupt end. I quickly went from up-and-coming hotshot model to … sigh … burnt-out former model.

Still, though, just as Charles Foster Kane had his Rosebud to serve as a symbol his lost childhood innocence, I’ll always have my … Weathercock.