Hi Natalie/Ms. Portman, I am sure you are overwhelmed with requests of all sorts. I, too, am an annoying supplicant, but what the hell. You can't fight who you are. I am new to FOD. You are the only celebrity on this site for whom I will ever be a fan. Even Will Ferrell can go to hell. I'm being really selective here, Natalie (or Ms. Portman). We have much i... more >

Hi Natalie/Ms. Portman, I am sure you are overwhelmed with requests of all sorts. I, too, am an annoying supplicant, but what the hell. You can't fight who you are. I am new to FOD. You are the only celebrity on this site for whom I will ever be a fan. Even Will Ferrell can go to hell. I'm being really selective here, Natalie (or Ms. Portman). We have much in common. If I Google your name, I get 6.1 million hits. If you Google my name, which I will gladly give you after you've been appropriately vetted, you will get about 170 hits. Thus, we are both major presences on the Internet. Next, you, I believe are originally from Jerusalem and also resided in Washington, D.C. My first love, with whom I remain in contact, lives in Jerusalem. I live outside of Washington, DC and flunked out of the GWU law school, which is in DC. Are you starting to see the hand of Fate here? And how about this: you went to Harvard; I went to the University of Chicago, both great schools. If we ever had dinner, think of all the people we could talk about who went to inferior schools. But I am not even asking for dinner with you - I have no right. I will ask for that down the road, when all the big stars want to be in my movies, and I'll be saying things like: Scarlett (sp?), I love you but Natalie has first dibs and always will. I have seen all of your movies. Oh damn, I can't lie to you. I've seen three or four: The Professional, V, something about the Boleyn sisters (boy, what a loser family), and something else - I don't remember, I think I saw it on Cinemax about three in the morning and I was drunk. But here's what I'm getting at: I really think you are a splendid actress and for my taste, the best looking woman in the history of film (okay, I'm laying it on a little thick, but you are a mega-hottie, as if you need me to confirm that). I would be honored, and perhaps I could lower the dosage of my SSRI, if you would send me a photo of you doing one of those Rodney Dangerfield things: you know, where you make an O with your thumb and index finger? It's like Rodney used to say, just give me of them. It would be life affirming for me, and thirty years of therapy hasn't worked. What do you say, Natalie/Ms. Portman??? I have very little money because I spend most of my waking hours curled up in bed calling my deceased mother names. You were a psych major - I just learned that from the cretin's reference manual, Wikipedia. I won't beg or make you uncomfortable, at least not in my first letter to you. In closing, let me mention that I am a PI and would make my services available to you 24/7 in return for your "O", which would give my life what I shall style the "Portmanian Imprimatur." I look forward to hearing from you. With deep admiration but little or no obsessiveness, Keibar.