I come from humble beginnings. I was born in a shotgun shack down on the bayou. My daddy was a gambler and my "mumma" ran the state comptrollers office in the 80's. As a child I enjoyed arson and carjacking. In my teen years I developed a taste for deviant sexual behavior involving large office equipment. This led to an early career at OfficeMax where I might still be working today if not for the mighty hand of fate. Thanks to the efforts of Funny or Die and other internet film pioneers, I've decided to heed the call of destiny and become a highly regarded actor. I look forward with great anticipation to the praise and adoration of many millions of adoring fans from all over the world who will love me just as I love me. Thank you.