So…I was going to blog about my dead neighbor, as for days the police have been looking for her, asking me for help in locating this most frail 90-year-old a few doors down - with no luck. It smells funny over there, so I had assumed she was fertilizing her plants. Fortunately for her she is still alive and only in the hospital. Unfortunately for me I have lost my blog topic, though it veers into another by way of how I learned my not-so-much-dead neighbor lady was okay. The same police officer who inquired about her welfare at my doorstep yesterday told me the great news today…as she pulled me over for a traffic violation.
Here's where you can just forget everything above and weep with me. You see, I've never been pulled over before…EVER. I just turned 30 last week and have been driving every single day of my life since my 15th birthday. I am a flawless driver, albeit a crazy woman one but that's just the only variety we come in, fellas. Being that this was my very first pull-over, I was hopeful I could get those 'warnings' everyone always told me about. You know, the 'don't do that again', pat-on-the-head and 'off-you-go' ones! After chatting with said police officer about non-dead neighbor and the cost of fertilizer these days, I figured we were bonding. I guess we did in a way - she bonded me with a citation. But hey, this is a day to celebrate! As my adorable man Clay said, I've popped my traffic violation cherry! So, mazal tov me!!! I am a vehicle virgin no longer.
(In bidding farewell to Officer Pantiesinawad, I offered to drive not-dead neighbor lady home from the hospital).
So I attended a seminar tonight and you're now reading about it. (That's called 'the sadness of equality/boredom). The seminar was "How to Cope with Stress and Anxiety as a Healthy Woman". So as I had to pretend to be a healthy woman, that caused stress/anxiety.
I was attracted to this particular event because a "light dinner and door prizes" was advertised. I assumed of course this meant a dinner of white wine (light, right? as opposed to the dark evil of Merlot) with the appropriate door prize of extra booze. As I walked in, sat down and saw the Chinet Compartment Plate of reheated canned Heinz spaghetti and meatballs, I assumed my assumption was wrong.
Nevertheless, as I plastic forked the Heinz into my pie-hole, listening to the very educated and highly MD'd speaker converse about ways to deal with stress and alleviate anxiety by 'healthy' means, I realized I was surrounded by non-alcoholics and that just pissed me off but luckily for the 30 minute speech, the aluminum slime taste in my mouth prevented me from commenting.
The ending of the speech was highlighted with a request for us all to breathe deeply and then hug the person sitting to our right. Ah…the beauty of naturally injecting the 'evil mind'. I warmly embraced the woman sitting to my right, admiring her pretty mustache, and then raised my hand.
The speaker proudly called upon me for comment and I stated in thank you (with a slight cough), "This has been such a beautiful experience for me tonight, as I'm sure all of you feel the same. I am much relieved from my recent anxiety contracting the swine flu.")
My exit, surprisingly, did not elicit applause.
http://www.funnyordie.com/amy4birds/blog (I'm partial because I love bird turds - which I realize is an admission of psychotic illness)
http://www.funnyordie.com/jason2k1/blog (If I don't plug him, he'll frenema me)
http://www.funnyordie.com/westsideslant/blog (Enter if you dare, multiples exacerbate the fetish's fetish)
http://www.funnyordie.com/kimberlymcbride/videos (Get ready for them)
I got nothing, so frequent the above - I deny all knowledge and/or responsibility for charges incurred…
-mpg ;-)
Okay so...prepare yourself...really and truly now...it was the deepest thing ever. Are you sure you can handle it? ....okay...
My first comment on FOD:
To Will Ferrell - simply checked the 'Awesome Pants' box.
Second Comment on FOD:
To Will Ferrell - "Oh my god – you are the awesomest and I am going to steal your created word and use it everyday now…”Tigawesomer” – yeah, that’s right – I’m stealin it"
-So. I wonder if I've grown as a person since then...if I know it's okay to just make up words, ripped off of other people who don't actually speak to me, or know I exist...if I do. Well, what I do know is this - I have never since used the word 'Tigawesomer'. It just never segwayed into my daily convo's. Hmm...Perhaps I jinxed myself. Either that or you all are really bad association. One fact, I DO know...
Amy4birds really needs to stop humping my leg.
(but if you're naturally pale...well...good luck with that)
May today bring each of you a ray of light somewhere/somehow. I gotta go work on my tan ;-)
-mpg
"Oops, forgot my wallet"
Signs you got a bad pilot:
Welcome aboard ladies and gentleman, this is your pilot, Captain Crash speaking.
We are now cruising at an altitude of…hell, I don't know. Let's just say we're 'up there'.
Could someone please come up here and explain what this button does, being that it's my first flight and all?
Passengers on the right side of the plane, doesn't that engine sound funny to you?
Would one of the flight attendants please bring me a scotch on the rocks? And keep 'em coming.
Welcome aboard Flight 1105…(you idiots)…. de
We've reached our cruising altitude, so I'm turning off the seatbelt sign. I'm also switching to autopilot so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight.
Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be on the ground in approximately 10 minutes, one way or another.
Real airline slogans:
Jet Blue - You'll Want to Fly Again! (on some other airline)
Delta - Delta Gets You There (eventually)
Northwest - Some People Just Know How to Fly (we're hoping someone tells us who they are...soon)
Continental - We Really Move Our Tails for You (ask any of our flight attendants to demonstrate)
United Airlines - It's Time to Fly (until we tell you to get the hell off the plane)
American Airlines - Something Special in the Air (just like pixie dust, in fact that's what we use)
British Airways- We'll Take More Care of You (you cheeky bastards!)
I love flying :-)
