M. Patrick Heywood grew up on the far side of Whynot, Mississippi, where he farmed uranium and taste-tested ink for the first eighteen years of his life. He's spent the last three years attempting to set the world record for jumping jacks performed in one hour. He has continuously fallen short. His education involves saying ambiguously philosophical tidbits such as, "I am not, therefore I am." His expertise include, and are also limited to the number 27, falafels, and empty yogurt containers. He has been previously published. In 7th grade, he was quoted in a newspaper article about the remodeling of his middle school's lunch tables. It went something like, "They kind of hurt." He hates writing about himself in the third person. He also hates complaining about hating to write about himself in the third person.