Merchandise

I'm tired of my pig room. I didn't even want it in the first place so to say that I can't stand it now (after 3 years) would be an understatement. It all started when my family won a chance to be on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition . They gave us a shot because my dad (Kirby) blew his arm off with a tractor beam while filming an audition for NASA (he didn't get it). With this in mind, they wanted to give us a house that was "one-arm" accessible. Which they did. And we're very ...

Thanks but no thanks, Quiznos guy. I'd rather not take the Free Meal Punch Card. It's too daunting. In fact, it's exhausting. All that work, punching away, week after week, just to get $5 off a meal *only when spending $5 or more. Is it worth all the trouble? I don't even go to Quiznos that often. By the time I get my 10 punches, the deal will probably have expired. I can't take the responsibility of always having that in my wallet either. I don't like committing things to such a limi...

How’s this for entrepreneuring. I’m starting my own business. This business is the model of efficiency and profits. This business is putting flyers underneath the windshield wipers of cars. It’s “can’t miss” in that people are in their cars a lot. And they can’t not see flyers underneath their windshield wipers when they’re in said cars. So, I’ve already reached my target audience. This is much preferable to the old guard and what I ca...

As summertime revs up, people have been clamoring for Merchandise to finally take a break from entertaining the youth of America with cat puppet shows and step up to the streets, dance and then kindly recommend something to watch inside It’s getting altogether too pleasant outside so Katy bar the door, close the blinds and fire up the ol’ VHS player. It is time for… THE Trilogy. Yes, all three movies of the Problem Child franchise. Problem Child Problem Child 2 Problem ...

I'm sure you're just like me. Sick and tired of being sick and tired of illegal immigrants. Can't they all just be born here like everybody else? I mean, HELLO! Try being born in NEW Mexico next time. Dumbass. Let me start over. I just got done reading/being inspired by this other dude's blog and he had some really insightful, intuitive things to say about the cure for illegals. This part blew my mind: "Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so...

As most of you are probably aware by now, my new record, "Nuke the Nukes" has tanked. There are myriad reasons for this. First off, the record company didn't understand my vision. I was looking for a John Mayer-ish warmth mixed with a Sepultura urgency, something they clearly didn't get. This has to be the reason they took the project out of my hands, only to bring in Phil Spector to produce an alternate version of my work. Perhaps the worst sin of all was that they didn't...