Hello friends.

I saw your latest protest on the news channels. Keep up the good work! Your stance on religion is quite obviously the right one! Imagine a world where everyone lives in peace. Now that is a terrifying idea. Your campaign "God hates Fags". Brilliant! I may be an Atheist, And I may not agree with religion, but I agree with you guys. Hatred will solve the world's problems. Just think, with you guys out there, no one will have to question their own life because they can get their answers directly from you! Your interpretation of the bible is most definately on the mark. Sure the book has been modified more times than a bundt cake recipe. Sure it has more inconsistancies than "A million little pieces." And sure, the idea that believing that a book was written by god is a bit ridiculous. Through all that, you guys still end up being right! 

When you guys stand outside of soldier's funerals preaching your ideals. I feel deep in my heart that I would like to be standing out there with you. (Though I probably wouldn't hold a sign, instead perhaps a baseball bat.) Watch the parents of these soldiers cry, not because you are hurting them at their most vulnerable, but because they know you're right. See! Everyone thinks you're right. I watched a documentary about your church in which a horrible man (Keith Allen) came and pointed out your hypocritical ideals. How dare he accuse you of hypocracy. Just because one of the heads of your church was born out of wedlock doesn't make you hypocrites. Sure you preach against that sort of thing and accuse people on the streets of being godless whores. But you're just helping people right?

You guys make a father proud. You are everything that I represent. I can't wait until you show up to my place so I can tell you in person. Don't worry, you'll like it! It's warm, interesting sights, (an eternity of pain and suffering)  you get to chat with neat people, like Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot. Etc. I've already got a room set up for you guys! I don't want to ruin the surprise but think "Tiajuana" I hope you like donkeys!

Can't wait to see you

Lucifer

A local Manitoba man is being heralded as a hero today when a man was decapitated on a greyhound bus, eaten and then had his head carried around like an idol. When asked, the murderer simply said "I told him not to lean on me. I distincly said that if he kept his head near me he was going to lose it." A passenger was also heard saying. "We all asked him to shut up, someone just made it happen" and yet another passenger was quoted "Man, there was this horrible smell that wafted from his ass, I hate him, I'm glad he's dead."

The murderer in question, known for his violent vigilanteism proceded to eat the deceased before attempting to steal the bus. Authorities stopped the man, and when asked why he would take to cannibalism, to which he replied "Well I didn't think he got the point after thirty four stabs, I really needed to show him how angry I was."

The medal ceremony will be held this week in winnipeg, proceded by the raising of a memorial statue. Some say this is street vigilanteism, but most maintain that this man is a hero and that it is every citizen's duty to teach people courtesy. No matter what you think, the new national holiday, Cut a Guy's Head off Day, is, as this man was overheard saying "The first holiday I feel is justified. I feel good taking today off work."

A friend of mine suggested that I add this line. This was actually a pretty shitty event, but hell if you can't laugh at stuff, what's the point right?

The champion walked down a road

bathed in morning dew;

Looking around, surveying his land

He knew his eyes told true;

A brand new dawn, a brand new day

The champion exclaimed;

A king amongst the people

cock and balls out, unashamed

He walked by men and women

they gasped and shut their eyes;

a few folks yelled

the champ's heart swelled

with great feelings of pride;

people know me, he then thought

look how they use their eyes;

to look at me and tell their friends

to check out that cool guy

A car honked at the champ

and he wanked with his right hand;

what happened next, a bit morose

the champ was half a man,

a shot of bourbon later;

the champion was up

asked a woman for some change

so he could fill his cup

The chick said no

he looked at her, with crazy in his eye

he chased her down

that fateful day,

she couldnt run or hide

her heel then broke, and he caught up

there was nothing she could throw

he spit a lugie on her dress

the perfect ending to his show

The cops showed up with time to spare

they locked the champ away;

the girl got up, she went right home

and threw soiled clothes away;

thus the moral of the story

I hold both strong and true;

a homeless guy, with his pants down

is a risk to me and you.

Inspired by a true story.

I was at TED.com today and was watching a video on a Java applet called "We Feel Fine." So essentially what this program does, is scan the net and takes all of the blog posts that have "I feel" in the body or title. Takes that sentence, and posts them in a statistical form on a website including any pictures, the weather at the time and so on. A neat experiment.

Well, I can't leave something like that untouched! These are my top ten experiment enhancers

I feel like taking a baseball bat to a small mailbox full of cheese.

I feel like slapping a very tiny man with a very large fish, while dancing to La coucaracha.

I feel like taking a dump on a politician, then laughing as I run after his wife.

I feel like taking a chainsaw to a telephone pole and making a boat out of it.

I feel like removing my clothes to "Don't stop believing" and duct taping myself to a lightning rod.

I feel like kicking Spock right in his logical teeth and screaming while I try to remove his ears.

I feel like jumping off of a building with a parachute made of underpants aka. "A Panty Parachute" (thanks J)

I feel happy that thugs killed my parents, and that I am Batman.

I feel like exhuming Saddam and hanging him again. (thanks R)

I feel like rocking out a guitar solo, while being chased by Zombies and monkeys... that I have totured a la State.

And there we go try it yourselves it's fun and completely counterproductive!

Dear CNN.

I have watched your broadcasts from the comfort of my living room for a couple years now. What I have noticed, is an absolute lack of respect for the viewer. You consider us stupid, and easily manipulated. Fear is your ally in the quest to control the American people. You wonder why we don't respect your broadcasts and get our news from satirical "fake news" outlets. The reason is, you've become about as trustworthy as a crackhead with a borrowed stereo. You can have all the faith in the world, but in the back of your mind, you know he'll pawn it. A biased news network has become as commonplace as MacDonald's in our society. The people you are dealing with, for the vast majority don't have the resources or time to visit these countries and see what's going on for themselves. Journalism should be the hunt for truth in an effort to tell these people what they are missing, not to manipulate them. Your style of journalism is similar to the world's strongest man, punching a baby in the mouth. Not hard to do, but not something to tell your friends about over a beer. Is it really that much easier to fill space with terrifying ideas rather than the truth?

Stop trying to ban words and "dangerous" ideas. Words can't actually hurt you. The reason a bad word is bad, is only the societal connotation.  We can't even use our own language anymore! You try to scare people using their kids. That's despicable, they are the weakest link in society. first you get people terrified about they're kids getting hurt. Then you procede to poke the wound you've created until it's a festering cyst of worry. Kids are watching too much violent t.v. What's the solution to this problem? Just an idea. You should be a parent! Keep an eye on your shitty kids. "Oh no! our kids will choke on toys and die." Teach your kids not to eat toys, or let them learn once. If they choke? Well, they probably wouldn't go far anyway. Oh no. The terrorists are going to kill us. Can we do anything about it? Not so far. By the way, when was the last North American attack? Oh not for a while eh? Oh so I guess it's time to focus on an imaginary, forthcoming attack! An attack that is probably a fabrication for ratings or a distraction technique. Why don't you focus on the fact that people are blowing them selves up in the middle east because they have more important things to worry about right now, and that north America is pretty safe.

If you are going to scare the public, why don't you scare them with the truth. Your President is a crazy war monger, your vice president is shooting old men in the face, you have a Nazi prison camp in Cuba (WHERE TORTURE IS USED) your system is so corrupt that votes are like presidential toilet paper, your empire is about to face the biggest economical downfall seen since the great depression and your constitution is being torn up and made into little origami swans. These are real problems, they have to be fixed and not being douchebags is the only way to do it. 

As a people you are perpetuating the stereotype of the stupid American. Read classic literature and some history. Look backwards, then look at your present situation, I'll give you a place to start. Rome versus Gaul. You are on the path to an Orwellian control based society that takes rights from it's people, and let's them think it's for their own safety. You as a News organization have the responsibility of informing yourselves and the people you broadcast to. Please, for the sake of the rest of the world, be part of the solution not the problem.

P.S. Stop putting religeous assholes on your channel, you're just giving them an outlet for their bullshit.

Thank you

So, I hate to break it to you. Ya, you the American! But we Canadians have a plan. It's a good plan. I felt that it was good enough that you'd need to know. To prepare. My fellow Canadians may call me a traitor. But I don't care. Truth is. . . we're invading. I know this might come as a shock to you. It's all true.

Our plan is to first infiltrate your country with our shitty brands of beer. You know, the stuff that's closest to yours. You may have seen it, you guys call it molson, we call it Canadian or Blue. Yup, that stuff is garbage. Well once you get used to the slight difference in taste, we drop the good stuff on you. Wham! hammered! Your beer is sucky-ass weak. Once you're drunk off-a like 3 beers you all pass out, we sneak across the border en-mass and steal all of your jobs! HA! HA! HA!

Oh also we will repaint the white house to it's proper colour. Pink. That's right your white house used to be pink, until we burnt it down, yes, we burned it down. We a group of rowdy, then british(irish) soldiers stormed down to the white house and burned it down. these men then sat in front of the fire ate marshmallows and offered you guys proper beer. In the war of 1812. That we won. You can tell, because we're not the 51st state of Canada.

We never got real close after that. You didn't like us much. We went our seperate ways while watching each other with shifty eyes. Gold rush came. You guys tried to fuck us. We had mounties. They looked like douches, but man they were hard as fuck. World War 1 showed up and we got FUCKED up. We then got angry and kicked the shit outta some Germans, we got our neutrality from England, you guys got jealous. World War 2 came down, again we fucked shit up, you guys sorta walked behind us going "Where did the Canadians go?", "What happened to all the Nazis?", "Where's all our smokes?"

Then you guys got weird. The cold war. What a bunch of Bullshit. All the guntoting nuts came outta the woodwork. Religious garbage ran outta people's mouths like shitty water out of a backed up toilet. Nam? C'mon. Now we're at this debaukle of a USA. Corporations are running everything. Fundamentalists are appearing out of nowhere. You guys consistantly put the world in a state of fear. Your government is like a boxer with a glass jaw. Oh he can hit hard, but he'll crumble the first time he gets hit. Oh ya, and follow you into the parking lot later and shoot you in the back of the head.

I'm gunna finish up by quoting a good friend of mine. "Mr. President, put up that wall!"