THINGS I WON’T DO:

  I will not allow myself to play online poker with real money because if I did I would in fact already be homeless with a serious crack addiction.

I won’t allow myself to use the butterfly vibrator because I might be better off thinking that that kind of ecstasy is impossible!  What I don’t know won’t ruin lesser orgasms for me.

I won’t pick up a restricted or blocked call.  Because the chance of it being someone I want to talk to is slim to NO ONE!

I won’t pay my bills on time.  Still haven’t figured that one out.

I won’t start saying I love you at the end of phone calls with friends.  That’s an invitation to a game that NEVER ends.

I like to keep certain boundaries with my friends.  If you’re my friend, I won’t kiss you on the lips. You know those people who lip kiss. I am a lesbian and I get confused easily. I don’t need that kind of intimacy with my friends. It’s a slippery slope.  It’s a lip kiss and then somebody lingers, now there’s tongue.  My tongue doesn’t know you’re my friend!  I’m convinced that lip kissing is a gateway.  First you start lip kissing as a greeting – next thing you know it’s hand jobs.

I won’t TiVo shows that are important to me anymore. Because here’s what happened to me.  I was a big fan of “So You Think You Can Dance” because I know I cannot.   And I TiVo’d every episode with no problems.  Until the season finale.  The TiVo gets about half way through and stops right before they reveal the winner.  That’s all it had recorded for absolutely no reason!  I’ve never had blue balls but I feel like I get it now.  

I want to be proactive and I want to make a difference with the environment and save the planet – I just won’t do anything about it.  And I see that that’s terrible. But you’re lucky if I’m NOT using Styrofoam. I want paper and plastic sometimes, you know?!  Does that make me a terrible person? I’m an eye donor.  Back off.

-Liz Feldman

I have a confession to make.  I voted Yes on the Gay Marriage Ban.  I don’t want to get tied down.  I’m gay, I wanna get tied up! I definitely don’t want to form a lasting partnership and be able to visit my lifelong love in the hospital.  That’s depressing and deep and I only like real shallow stuff like rainbow necklaces and dildos that don’t look like dicks!  No, once my lesbian lover gets sick, I’m outta there.  Take care of yourself, fictitious lesbian love of my life!  I’m a Homosexual – not a Homo-love-ual.

Let’s face it, I’m having gay sex right now.  And in sixty-three hours, when I’m done, I’m gonna go teach some kids what homosexuals are with my new book “Freddy the Gay Refrigerator”.

So, thanks to all the conservative, god-loving, gay-fearing people who voted to strip my marriage rights away.  That was a close one!  Now, please get going on taking away my right to vote.  Because I had to stand in such a long line yesterday, and that was the hour that I usually put a sock in my pants and pretend to be a man.  

One last thing, now that there’s no gay marriage I can get back to destroying straight marriage.   It’s just too much fun to hit on your wife and make her question everything.  That is the gay agenda after all, that and… piña coladas for everyone!

I am proud to be an American for the first time since the last time Bush did anything. Barack Obama is president! I am so exhausted from dancing in the streets that I can barely type with my feet. I am typing this blog with my feet! I can do that now that anything is possible. And not my toes, mind you, but both of my feet! It’s a miracle and it’s not the only one that I’ve experienced since ten minutes ago when Obama won. I learned Chinese. I can make scarves now. I’m a tiny gymnast. I was in “Dan in Real Life!” I burped up a rainbow! I like peas. I shart unicorns. I’m made of grapes. And much much more.

From the desk on my ceiling,

Liz Feldman

    Today is the day we’ve all been waiting for.  It’s finally here.  It’s Laura Bush’s birthday!  Laura, the country got together and we all pitched in and bought you a present.  It’s a new President!  We were gonna wrap it, but it’s an odd shape.   Then we were gonna do that thing where you just wrap it in tissue paper and stick it in a used gift bag.  But everyone knows that’s half-ass.  So, I hope you like the President we got you.  But also, if you don’t, I don’t care.  And neither do you, because in January, you get your husband back.  And we get our country Barack.  

In the unfortunate event that Barack Obama does not win the presidency, I’d like to take this opportunity to pitch him an idea.  He proved he was a bona fide TV star last week when he aired his thirty-minute infomercial.  I think he should use his remaining campaign dollars to make a pilot for a new sitcom. It’s about a loveable president, his lawyer wife, and their adorable kids: Rudy, Vanessa, Theo, Lisa Bonet and the other one who was married to Elvin.  We’d call it “The Hopestables”.  I’m just saying, you don’t get residuals in the Senate.

John  McCain, however, should stay far away from cameras. Because High Definition Television is the enemy of John McCain.  It is not a forgiving medium. On HDTV, McCain looks like an elderly lizard.  An elderly lizard who is very angry.  Presumably because he is too lizardy to be president, and too old to be in a Geico commercial. That being said, I think McCain could have a career in television selling oatmeal, life insurance or old people scooters.

I Voted,
Liz Feldman
Executive Producer, “The Hopestables”

I am voting for Barack Obama.  And though I am a gay lady, I love Obama with a visceral passion.  Like, I really like him. Like, if he wanted to, he could put on a lady’s wig, and I would allow him to fill me with hope.  I love him, and I will imbue him with as much messianic magic as I damn well please.  If Barack Obama wins, literally everything will be figuratively okay.  

The “gay marriage” issue is on the ballot in Arizona, California, and Florida. Personally, I am very excited about “gay marriage”, or as I like to call it, “marriage”.  Because I had lunch this afternoon, I didn’t have “gay lunch”.  And I parked my car, I didn’t “gay park” it.  Although, I totally parked like a fucking fag!  

I am still seething over the Vice Presidential debate.  When asked whether they support equal rights for all people, both Palin and Biden made overtures that everyone should be treated equally under the law.  However, when asked if they believed in “gay marriage”, they both backtracked and said “no.”   Because the word “marriage” evidently has a trademark on it.  It’s “Marriage ^TM”. (Copyright 2008, The Straights) “Marriage” is their word.  Gays can call it something else, like “Fiddly-Diddly”. “Congratulations Tom, I hear you and Gary are getting fiddly-diddlied”.  Just don’t call it “marriage”.  That word belongs to the heteros who have been upholding its honor for centuries, by failing at it sixty percent of the time.

For those of you in California, please vote “No” on Prop 8.  It’s one of several propositions on the ballot that really makes us seem like a bunch of jerks. Prop 8 wants to eliminate rights for gay people.  And then there’s Prop 2, which seeks to give caged farm animals a few more inches of room so they can do crazy things like turn around and spread their wings.  Vote “Yes” on that one, unless you really hate chickens.  How cruel are we?  That we even have to vote on these things is ridiculous.  By the way, vote “No” on Prop 48, which wants to force people with diabetes to live in candy houses.  

If you live in Arizona, please vote “No” on 102.  In Florida, please vote “No” on Ammendment 2.  Whether you believe in “gay marriage” or not, voting “Yes” is a vote to take away civil rights. So vote “No”, unless you are a hateful person.  Then by all means, vote “Yes”.  After that, you can yell at a baby, punch an old lady in the face, and be on the lookout for karma.   I hear she’s voting for Obama.

Gay Sincerely,
Liz Feldman

P.S. If you're in LA, come to the Don't Fuck This Up! Election Eve Show, hosted by me and Brently Heilbron, with Jen Kirkman, Erin Foley, FOD's Seth Morris and special guest Janeane Garofalo!