Paula Deen as Snooki
Sure she's a little old for the role, but slap some bronzer butter on her and she's good to go. Wait til you see Dame Paula Deen jam pickles in her mouth for an hour and a half.
Stacy Karosi as Sammi Sweetheart
Note that this is Stacy Karosi. Not Leah Remini. Karosi is who I want; her turn as Zack's gritty, summer fling is how she shall be remembered. And perhaps that incarnation will liven up the worst onscreen romance ever of our generation.
Kid as Pauly D
With his deft analysis of Fossil watches and ability to announce when the cabs have arrived, it is imperative that Pauly be played by a comedic tour-de-force. Enter Kid from Kid n' Play. If you need proof of his comedy chops, please reference House Party 2 and Class Act. Not to mention the guy practically invented the blow-out.
Joe Mantegna as The Situation
While Paula Deen may be significantly older than Snooki, checking the bio of these two will reveal they were actually born two months apart.
Christina Hendricks' Tits as JWoww
Not Hendricks, herself. Jut a pair of tits parading around calling themselves JWoww. Think of all the antics they'll get in as they write anonymous letters to other roommates. Oh Christina Hendricks tits!
Giovanni Ribisi as Vinny
Sure this may be the most grounded of the choices, but Vinny's the most grounded of the housemates. He's the glue to the Jersey Shore. Without his ability to function as a normal human being, an episode in which The Situation spends 30 minutes eating a sandwich while Pauly smushes a girl next to him just would not work. With that in mind, Vinny needs a strong character actor step up and step back. That man is Giovanni Ribisi.
The British Bulldog as Ronnie
I don't know anything about this wrestler other than he seems like the perfect choice if you're looking for any of the following: Someone capable of domestic abuse. That is all.
A Cross Between Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman as Deena
A Jack-o-Lantern will originally be cast in the role, but will bow out after a contract dispute. At the last minute, Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman will donate their half-sized DNA to the production and beget Deena Devito.