Watching sports on TV these days is like trying to get through a porno where the guy behind the camera talks way too much. Like, yeah I'm still gonna watch, but dude, can you shut the fuck up for like 14 seconds? I mean don't get me wrong, ESPN has pumped out there share of great sports personalities (Erin Andrews), but for every EA in the world there's 10 Doris Burkes yappin about bull shit while I'm trying to watch a basketball game.

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Stats & Data

November 14, 2011

12 - Thom Brennaman

I don't even hate Thom Brennaman's announcing all that much, I just can't get past the way he spells his name. Your name is TOM. Not THom. Do us all a favor and take the H out. Oh, I almost forgot his infatuation with Tim Tebow. Come to think of it, this dude sucks pretty hard.

11 - Todd McShay

Just when I thought Mel Kiper Jr. was the biggest ass munch the NFL draft has ever seen, this guy shows up and proves me wrong. He has less football analyzing cred than Joan of Arc. Back in '08 he even said Brian Brohm was better than Aaron Rodgers.


10 - Tony Siragusa

Once again, I don't hate Tony Siragusa. In fact, I'd love to get hammered with The Goose. My beef comes from the fact that this guy NEVER has anything relevant to say. "Yeah guys from here it looks like he hurt his knee, ahh maybe it's his ankle. It's a waiting game, thats for sure...did I mention these cheese fries are DA BOMB?!"

9 - Ron 'Jaws' Jaworski

I thought now that Brett Favre is finally gone Jaws wouldn't have a quarterback to slob on all game long. Holy Lord was I wrong. Every completion either "reminds him of himself" or "was one of the most tremendous throws I've ever seen". The guy just screams boner. WHY DOES MNF NEED THREE ANNOUNCERS?

8 - Rachel Nichols

Problem #1 - pretty sure she's constantly getting worse looking. Problem #2 - any story she's covering is automatically the MOST dramatic story in the sports world. Problem #3 - her voice sounds makes me want to pull a Vincent Van Gogh. "From inside Chris Berman's Ass, I'm Rachel Nichols, ESPNNNNN"

7 - Craig Sager

I mean I really don't need to do much explaining on this one. I get that he's trying to go against the norm and be all unique and shit. But c'mon. Guy looks like the love child of Elton John and Principal Skinner. 

6 - Bob Costas

I swear to God NBC gives him that 5 minute spot during halftime of SNF because when the Olympics aren't on he has nothing to do besides sniff his own farts. 

5 - Troy Aikman

Troy Aikman's ability to consistently string together coherent sentences on a week to week basis absolutely blows my mind. You know, after the 35 concussions and all. I thought the only words he knew were "Rent-A-Center". Hang up the mic and head to Nate Newton's house for some blow, just like old times. That's what I say.

4 - Trent Dilfer

How ESPN let this guy on their payroll is mind boggling. Week after week, he talks like he's the greatest QB/football mind to ever be around the game, when in reality he was an incredibly mediocre player. At least his gay lover's b-hole gets tickled by that Jamie from Myth Busters goatee on a nightly basis. 

3 - Joe Buck

Joe Buck's list of douche-baggery is so long I'll just say his coverage of the World Series this year sounded worse than William Hung's rendition of 'She Bangs'. He might actually be a robot programmed to suck dongs at announcing.

2 - Chris Collinsworth

This guy defines a person who LOVES to hear himself talk. All game long he goes from pleasuring a players b-hole one minute to shitting all over them if they make one mistake. Then, If there is a white wide receiver in the game you KNOW he's gonna compare himself to the guy (Wes Welker). AND if the game is in a 500 mile radius of where his son plays football you know we're gonna see some highlights. SHUT THE FUCK UP CHRIS.

1 - Merril Hoge

This guy is the biggest prick ESPN has ever hired. TIE A NORMAL TIE FOR ONCE. Or, use that tie to hang yourself. Either way, cool out on the on air football player bash sessions. Instead of spending your time learning to tie a quintuple windsor, learn a thing or two about football.