Knowing everything about your baby
I love to hear about every time your baby farts, pukes, or just does something developmentally normal. It is also good when you inform me you have not slept because of the baby. I did not know that was part of babyhood. I particularly enjoy all of the pictures you post of said children that look exactly the same.
Amazing photographic food
I am overwhelmed with jealousy when I see a picture of the meal you are about to eat because of the artistic integrity of your photographic skills.
Checking in everywhere you go
I am scheming when you check in when and where you go because I don't have to make the effort to find an empty house to rob. I appreciate the help.
Original enlightening messages
I am enlightened when you post inspirational messages that absolutely no-one else on Facebook has posted.
Facebook as a therapist
I am happy for your financial stability. Since Facebook is your therapist you do not need to pay for a real one.
Ambiguous hate messages
I am thankful for my friends because I don't have to worry about nasty messages appearing with the transparently ambiguous "you know who you are" because I in fact do not know.
I am pleased to be reminded of the work grind with messages like "ugh... Gotta go to work" and "I wish it was Friday already." I wasn't already thinking about that so the reminder is refreshing.
Political affiliation determined by FB memes
I am amused when people post political pictures that obviously were developed by a reputable journalist to ensure that the readers learned all of the legislative processes involved behind the development of the one sentence meme.
Live by wwfbpw. What would Facebook posters write. Long live Facebook and prosper