Thatâs right! Bravo P.E.T.A, youâve officially associated yourselves with the likes of Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaida, and Evan Brown. Oh, whatâs that? You donât know who Evan Brown is? Not only is he the inspiration behind PETAâs terrorism, but heâs also just about the most dangerous Canadian to ever live! Heâs the stuff of legends, really. After sneaking past a crack squad of bodyguards at a PEI civic centre, Evan Brown burst through the crowd of civilians- with the intensity of a thousand Canadian Geese- and assaulted Canadaâs beloved Prime minister! His weapon of choice? Banana Cream pie!
"Careful, it's delicious!"
PETA undoubtedly recognized this âinnocentâ act of political justice (and
how easy it was to fool national security) and subsequently decided to utilize
Evan Browns tactics against Fisheries and Oceans Minister Gail Shea. Yes, PETA has taken a page straight out of the Stooges Handbook and struck
fear into the hearts of pie lovers everywhere- and seal huntersâ¦I guess. However,
what PETA forgot to remember is that assaulting a political figure to endorse a
political or ideological cause is kind of a terrorist act in Canadaâ¦And the US,
and the UK, and pretty much any other part of the World where stoning is recreational
and not a form of execution. Oh, and
that Evan Brown guy? Sentenced to 50 days in prison. Now heâs the one getting
PETA undoubtedly recognized this âinnocentâ act of political justice (and how easy it was to fool national security) and subsequently decided to utilize Evan Browns tactics against Fisheries and Oceans Minister Gail Shea.
Yes, PETA has taken a page straight out of the Stooges Handbook and struck fear into the hearts of pie lovers everywhere- and seal huntersâ¦I guess. However, what PETA forgot to remember is that assaulting a political figure to endorse a political or ideological cause is kind of a terrorist act in Canadaâ¦And the US, and the UK, and pretty much any other part of the World where stoning is recreational and not a form of execution. Oh, and that Evan Brown guy? Sentenced to 50 days in prison. Now heâs the one getting cream pied.
Hey minorities, are you a fan of PETA? Do you also have any respect for your cultural heritage? If you answered yes to either of these questions, please view the following video:
Alright, wait just one minute! Did PETA just play the race card? You bet your sweet, juicy, well tenderized ass they did! But wait! Did PETA also just make a relatively valid point? Noâ¦ What are you, stupid? If this idea of anti-segregation can extend into the animal kingdom, PETAâs reputation as âanimal loversâ is going to take on a whole new meaning!
"That boy's got jungle fever!"
You know, by publishing this ad PETA hasnât just tarnished their own reputation, but belittled the suffering of entire generations of oppressed minorities. Its one thing to support animal rights, but when you compare dog breeding to the formidable act of segregation, well, you may just lose a couple supporters. Because, lets face it, if PETA had their way, theyâd film a remake of Amistad replacing slaves with dogs.
"I can haz freedom?"
The Milk's Gone Bad!
Brace yourself readers, for what I am about to show you can never be unseen!
WARNING: The following video contains graphic images of mutated girls, breast milk, and a whole lot of dudes taking dairy to the face like desperate, geriatric porn starsâ¦ YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
Alright, so PETA posted a disturbing video on the internet. Now, Iâm no computer technician, but anyone who uses Google with the safe search off can tell you that there is some nasty shit out there.
"He just Googled murder"
But, thatâs just the thing! PETA didnât create this abomination with the intention of directly posting it to their website! No, no, noâ¦ This is PETA weâre talking about! That would be way too reasonable! Instead, PETA attempted to air this âcommercialâ on public television! And not just on some random channel nobody cares about (CNN). They wanted to air it during the mother fuckinâ Super Bowl! Presumably as an attempt to make all football fans everywhere simultaneously throw up their chicken wings.
When There's a Will, There's a Way!
Ever wonder what would happen if you took a deranged mental patient out of an asylum and allowed her to dictate the actions of thousands of activists? I donât.
Meet the president of PETA, Ingrid Newkirkâ¦
"Not the only picture of her holding a cock"
Now donât let that disconcerting smile fool you, sheâs crazier than the homeless guy that throws shit at the bus window on you daily commute every morning. Donât believe me? Lets just take a look at her will, shall we?
First off, Newkirk decides that she wants to donate her body. A selfless act at first glance, until she expresses to whom her body will be donatedâ¦
"Sorry Timmy, no new heart for you"
Now you may be thinking to yourself, what in Godâs name is PETA gonna do with a dead body? Donât worry, she provided numerous suggestions that would make even Steven King jealous.
These suggestions ranged from packaging the corpse as âmeatâ, using the skin as leather for clothing, and sending body parts to various organizations and government officials. Newkirk even goes as far as to suggest sending an ear to Canadian parliament to allow them to hear the screams of seals and other hunted animals. But all this pales in comparison to her suggestion-and my personal favourite:
âThat one of my eyes be removed, mounted, and delivered to the administrator of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency as a reminder that PETA will continue to be watching the agency until it stops poisoning and torturing animals in useless and cruel experiments; that the other is to be used as PETA sees fit;â
Christ! Newkirk makes the Corleones look like a bunch of pussies!
Turn Your Kids Against You!
"Oh, come on!"
Leave it to PETA to destroy the sanctity of a childhood past time! What possible outcome could PETA hope to achieve with this comic? Do they really think that this message would be appropriate for a youth audience? And an even better question is, what negligent parent would let their kids read this crap?
Considering that we are not children, lets dive right in! Surely there must be a humble message in here somewhere. It is a childrenâs book after all!
âDo you have a puppy you take for walks or play ball with? Or a kitty who likes to chase string? Everyone knows that itâs fun to love and play with our animal friends. But how would you feel if someone took away your kitty or puppy, stomped on their head, and ripped their skin off their bodies?
It would make you feel sad, wouldn't it? Why would anyone be so mean? But there are terrible people who cause our furry friends to die that way every day. And guess what? One of those terrible people is your mommy. Your mommy kills animals! I bet you didn't know that.â
Who wrote this comic? Hitler? God, no wonder PETAâs morals are so corrupt! Look at the crap they grew up reading!
The only âmoralâ found within this comic is that your mom is a ruthless, greedy, and ignorant killing machine! And if you were hoping for a happy ending to this story, think again! This is how they end it:
ââ¦keep your doggie or kitty friends away from mommy- sheâs an animal killer!â
Oh, and donât you worry, PETA hasnât forgot about all you dads out there.
Hey kids, Iâd think twice about dressing up as Nemo for Halloween this year!
Speaking of fish, let me introduce you to one of PETAâs recent campaigns. Dedicated to the protection of fish. Yes, you read that correctly, I said fish! Those slimy, bug-eyed, stupid creatures that either irritatingly nibble between your toes while swimming, or -if theyâre big enough- take the whole damn leg. Fish are truly the dicks of the animal kingdom. And that being said, PETA would like to help them.
Now, there are numerous ways to aid in the protection of fish: maintaining local beaches, protesting the shark fishing industry in China, or donating to research facilities dedicated to the preservation of endangered wildlife. So, what did PETA decide to do? Simple, give the fish another name!
Thatâs right, PETA decided that because nobody really likes fish, and that the verb for fish is âfishingâ, it would be best to simply give them a brand new name. PETAâs final resolution for their scaly friends would be, âsea kittensâ. PETA chose this name on the basis of one simple question-
(A picture of PETA's grasp on reality)
Although PETA clearly put a lot of thought into this idea, I canât help but think they forgot somethingâ¦ Nah, I mean, who eats fish and cats? Thatâs justâ¦