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Facebook has gone through some serious phases. Look at how pathetic we are.
Published July 23, 2012 More Info »
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Published July 23, 2012

'04 Nerdy Computer Science Majors

This was the phase of Facebook when you could only use it if you had a valid college e-mail address.  Pretty much the only people on it were severe computer nerds and an occasional hot girl from Harvard.  About a year later it was socially acceptable--in college--to ask girls if they had Facebook.  Facebook was a hot topic amongst sorority girls and it quickly became a popularity contest to see which girl had the most friends.  Rick Rolling leaked over from Anon and 4chan.  FB became a smash hit.  Eventually your perverted uncle wanted to borrow your username.  Nowadays every startup in Santa Monica dupes investors into building bogus apps*.  

*To describe this investment scam, I hereby coin the phrase: "CrApps"

'05-06 The Dean's Warning Message

Once Facebook gained some ground with college students, it became a socially acceptable medium to meet hot girls.  It didn't carry the stigma of Craigslist.org's Casual Encounters.   Soon thereafter, one of your Deans, like mine in law school, probably lectured you about the grave 'dangers' of posting pictures of yourself partying with drugs and alcohol. Meanwhile, 2 years later that same dean was arrested for pedalling kiddie porn on Yahoo! groups.  They were allegedly photos of his own kids!  

'07 - Fucking Kitty Porn Pictures

This trend started in 2007 and continues to be super-viral.  Weirdos constantly post pictures of cats doing "cute" things.  I fucking hate cats.  They're not cute.  They smell like piss and shit.  They have parvo and Aids.  Please stop posting pictures of fucking cats.  Jesus Christ.  And knock it off with the biblical quotes.  The bible is bullshit it's 2012.  So are all religions.  It does more harm than good to hypnotize easily persuaded people with lies while stealing their cash.   Don't try to convince yourself otherwise.  Only the most foolish are convinced they know the definite answers to an infinite universe.  Wake up.   Stop posting that shit on Facebook.

'08 - Obama and Ron Paul

The rise of politics on Facebook.  Sweet.  This was my favorite era.  I can't wait for the next election.  I love flaming Republicans.  Only they are true Americans.  In 2007 and 2008 I generated thousands of comments by flaming and trolling political messages.  One way to piss off people fast and get lots of comments on your status update is to A) discuss politics on Facebook or B) be a smoking hot chick that posts random shitty status updates such as "eating at Sprinkles!" or "Just got a new phone."  Suddenly 300 horny dudes instantly click "like" and try to write something funny in response.  Trust me, they don't like what you have to say, they just want your body.  When you're in your mid thirties and packing weight, watch your 'likes' decline to zero.  It's a cruel world. 

My favorite thing is when people believe everything is a conspiracy.  Don't even get me started on the Occupy movement's growth on Facebook.  Here you have citizens that complain about the government yet they are the government.  Weak.  Would you stop hating on America, you're fucking American!  What sucks even worse? Self-loathing Americans that apologize to foreigners about how bad America is.  Yet these Americans have never left the country, let alone their city.

'09 - FarmVille Freaks

This is when non-college students were finally allowed to join Facebook.com.  That sucks, indeed.  I think to join Facebook you should at least have to take some minimal English grammar test.  At this moment in history, Farmville* gained steam amongst morbidly obese people.  Fuck your online carrot garden.  You know you're a fatass if you're planting fake food on your Facebook wall. You should try the the Deal-A-Meal app. 

*FarmVille is a farming simulation social networking game for ugly people that cannot get laid.  

*This is not an endorsement of Richard Simmons. 

'10 Bitch Fest

By 2010, when the rest of the world finally caught on to Facebook, suddenly it became popular to complain about Facebook's constantly changing user interace.   It's actually funny watching hipsters on Facebook with OPS* complaining about how Facebook 'used to be.' 

*Old Persons Syndrome 

'10 Instagram and Hipsters

Q> What sucks worse than Instagram?


A> Hipsters.

I still don't understand the hipster movement.  I thought hipsterism would die in 2000.  If Bin Laden was wise he would've hit Williamsburg.  He didn't.  So a decade later, bars began stocking PBR tall boys.  Pussies.  I hated hipsters before they thought they were cool.  

Here's an excerpt from a Hipster blog on how to cope with being made fun of:

"Realize that a lot of people who attack have deep insecurities about their own place in society and have very mixed ideas of what culture is, or how they reconcile the variant elements of culture with their own lifestyle and preferences. A little compassion for the most aggressive of the lost souls can go a long way, as you realize they're not really attacking you personally but they're expressing their utter confusion and irresponsible lack of deep thinking through of all the issues. It doesn't mean you have to respect or like these people but reaching your own inner peace and understanding of where they're coming from can ease things for you."

Yes, it's true I have deep insecurities about my place in society and have a mixed idea on what culture is.  I know what culture isn't:  Hipsterism.   In fact, culture kinda sucks.  Culture is that same old group mentality bullshit.  It's 2012, it's time to wake up and stop hiding your elitism, nationalism, and racism within superifical containers such as culture, race, and color.  If you define yourself as white, black, brown, yellow, red, jew, christian, muslim, hinduh, etc... you're the problem.  You put yourself in a group to define yourself as something separate from everyone else.  Fuck that.  We're all humans.  Group mentality is ignorant, deal with it, Hipster. 

Oh and fuck Instagram.  Try taking a photo that looks good without a filter.  It's called photography.

'11 The Delayed Popularity of Memes

Even though memes have been around for more than a decade, somehow they crossed over to Facebook and everyone began posting them.  Unfortunately it doesn't stop today.  Ironic E-Greeting cards are now especially popular amongst pent up housewifes and ugly college girls with no sense of humor. 

'11 - 'Like' Self Promotion

Now that Facebook dominates the world, it's become quite the place to self-promote.  Everything shifted towards getting people to visit your fanpage and then getting them to "like" it.  

Also, Facebook became the place for people with extreme narcissim and dellusions of grandeur to post shit like their vacation pics, ugly kids, and check-ins at places where the Kardashians hang.

Trust me, nobody on Facebook cares about what you're doing.  Everybody else is too into themselves to pay any attention to your shit.  The only thing they're doing is using your status update as a stem to trigger their chance to express how ironic and 'clever' they can be.  This way they can impress other losers with trite nonsense.  Try being the real *you* on Facebook.  For once.  How about you dig deep and be a real human?  

Hey, if you like this Funny or Die post, please visit my DJ fanpage and click "like" on it.  Thanks.

'11 - The Renaissance of "Inspiring Quotes"

Remember in the 80's and 90's on CompuServe and AOL you'd have that one asshole friend who self-appointed herself as provider of the "quote of the day" .... spamming her entire e-mail address book with inspiring quotes and forwarding you multi-level marketing bullshit?  

Well it's on the rise--again.  Please realize, nobody wants your stupid inspiring quotes.  You're a loser and nobody takes advice from losers.  

'11 Ted Talks

Are you serious?  

'12 Timelines and Existentialism

Talk about piss a hipster off.  Facebook created massive stress amongst nooB hipsters by enacting timelines.  Meanwhile, hipsters just learned that they can control their thoughts and create their own existence.  Profound revelation huh? Yes, for the 1800's.  Try actually reading some of those books you buy at resale shops.   Soren's got you beat by a couple of centuries.  Ass wipe. 

  

'12 - Avicii Levels

EDM? Come on.  Hipsters in disguise, stop calling House music "EDM".  Shit's been around since 1977.  Back when you hated drum machines.  

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