Ever notice that there was something a little off about Wilson on "Home Improvement" or that Sam from "Clarissa Explains It All" was exceptionally good at climbing in to bedrooms through windows?

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August 02, 2010

Wilson (Home Improvement)

“Don’t you look at my face! Don’t you dare look at my face!” That’s probably the last thing you hear before the guy in the funny hat kills you with a quality Binford power saw. Good fences make good neighbors, but they also might be hiding a sociopath across the way. The face thing is creepy enough, but Wilson’s omniscience is a serial killer red flag. Hey, Tim. Didn’t you ever wonder how he always knew just what to say? Almost like he’s been watching you through binoculars…waiting for just the right moment to strike? I always figured the last episode of “Home Improvement” would be a two-parter where Wilson kills the whole family then pins it on Al. I think it just turned out to be a five-episode arch about how nobody has been watching the show for 3 years.

Milhouse Van Houten (The Simpsons)

Milhouse had a tough time growing up on Evergreen Terrace. His parents split up at an early age and the girl down the street wouldn’t pay him any attention. It’s these kinds of rocky childhood memories that lay the foundation for a mass murderer down the line. Milhouse seems lonely, so his downfall would likely be that he was into doing weird stuff to the corpses. Blue pubes are the number one way cartoon cops catch sex offenders. Just ask the convicted flasher from “Doug.”

Sam (Clarissa Explains it All)

There are two kinds of dudes who prop ladders up against your house and climb in through the window. One of them is there to rob you, and the other one is there to rape and kill you. He might stick around to steal a few things, but that’s not where his heart’s at. Either way, Sam Ladderman (editor’s note: his name on the show was certainly not Ladderman, but in retrospect maybe it should’ve been) would not be someone I’d feel comfortable sneaking in to my daughter’s room. Best case scenario: he makes off with my VHS player and Ferguson’s Super Nintendo. Worst case scenario: Clarissa explains it all to the sketch artist. 

Steve Urkel (Family Matters)

The unsettling thing about Steve Urkel is that this genius came up with a way to avoid all culpability for his murderous plots. First there’s Stephan: this is pretty much who Patrick Bateman would be if he was a black teenager. If Stephan had business cards they’d be the shit. Then there’s the Urkel Bot. You can scream all you want, but once this thing has been programmed to kill you there’s no stopping it. Both Stephan and the Urkel Bot are essentially Steve Urkel. They house his essence and work as extensions of his will and desire. I’ve only seen parts of the film “Double Jeopardy” on basic cable, but I’m fairly certain it’s a documentary that explains why Steve Urkel would be off the hook if Stephan or the Urkel Bot suddenly decided to kill one of the guys Laura actually wanted to talk to. "Did I do that? No, officer. It was the robot me and the handsome me who lacks glasses and suspenders."

Mr. Feeny (Boy Meets World)

There's not a single teacher in the public school system of Philadelphia who wants to spend tons of his free time with several of his students. Just ask Will Smith. Picture "Silence Of The Lambs" but with Mr. Feeny playing Hannibal Lecter. See how easy that was? It actually felt kinda right. That's because you just realized what has been in front of you for so long: this low talking, mustache wearing old dude in the backyard talking to little kids is more than just a little creepy. Eli Roth should do a gruesome re-boot of the series as a horror film and call it "Goodnight, Mr. Matthews."