Wilson (Home Improvement)
âDonât you look at my face! Donât you dare look at my face!â Thatâs probably the last thing you hear before the guy in the funny hat kills you with a quality Binford power saw. Good fences make good neighbors, but they also might be hiding a sociopath across the way. The face thing is creepy enough, but Wilsonâs omniscience is a serial killer red flag. Hey, Tim. Didnât you ever wonder how he always knew just what to say? Almost like heâs been watching you through binocularsâ¦waiting for just the right moment to strike? I always figured the last episode of âHome Improvementâ would be a two-parter where Wilson kills the whole family then pins it on Al. I think it just turned out to be a five-episode arch about how nobody has been watching the show for 3 years.
Milhouse Van Houten (The Simpsons)
Milhouse had a tough time growing up on Evergreen Terrace. His parents split up at an early age and the girl down the street wouldnât pay him any attention. Itâs these kinds of rocky childhood memories that lay the foundation for a mass murderer down the line. Milhouse seems lonely, so his downfall would likely be that he was into doing weird stuff to the corpses. Blue pubes are the number one way cartoon cops catch sex offenders. Just ask the convicted flasher from âDoug.â
Sam (Clarissa Explains it All)
There are two kinds of dudes who prop ladders up against your house and climb in through the window. One of them is there to rob you, and the other one is there to rape and kill you. He might stick around to steal a few things, but thatâs not where his heartâs at. Either way, Sam Ladderman (editorâs note: his name on the show was certainly not Ladderman, but in retrospect maybe it shouldâve been) would not be someone Iâd feel comfortable sneaking in to my daughterâs room. Best case scenario: he makes off with my VHS player and Fergusonâs Super Nintendo. Worst case scenario: Clarissa explains it all to the sketch artist.
Steve Urkel (Family Matters)
The unsettling thing about Steve Urkel is that this genius came up with a way to avoid all culpability for his murderous plots. First thereâs Stephan: this is pretty much who Patrick Bateman would be if he was a black teenager. If Stephan had business cards theyâd be the shit. Then thereâs the Urkel Bot. You can scream all you want, but once this thing has been programmed to kill you thereâs no stopping it. Both Stephan and the Urkel Bot are essentially Steve Urkel. They house his essence and work as extensions of his will and desire. Iâve only seen parts of the film âDouble Jeopardyâ on basic cable, but Iâm fairly certain itâs a documentary that explains why Steve Urkel would be off the hook if Stephan or the Urkel Bot suddenly decided to kill one of the guys Laura actually wanted to talk to. "Did I do that? No, officer. It was the robot me and the handsome me who lacks glasses and suspenders."
Mr. Feeny (Boy Meets World)
There's not a single teacher in the public school system of Philadelphia who wants to spend tons of his free time with several of his students. Just ask Will Smith. Picture "Silence Of The Lambs" but with Mr. Feeny playing Hannibal Lecter. See how easy that was? It actually felt kinda right. That's because you just realized what has been in front of you for so long: this low talking, mustache wearing old dude in the backyard talking to little kids is more than just a little creepy. Eli Roth should do a gruesome re-boot of the series as a horror film and call it "Goodnight, Mr. Matthews."