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This is how to conduct yourself in the bathroom
Published February 02, 2011 More Info »
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Published February 02, 2011

Issue 1: The Approach

See appendix below for addition information

1.Don’t slam the door open: if you bust someone in the nose that's bigger than you forget the bathroom….you most likely just pissed yourself.

2.Walk carefully: This is assuming your are at a packed bar, if this happens at work….get a new job! When you walk in the floor is most likely covered in piss, if you fall forget it piss yourself for the fun of it and just go home for the night.

Issue 2: The Choice

I will be breaking this down into work and bar, bar counts for all busy areas with the setup above and 2 stalls as standard in most places.

1.Right urinal: WORK: Good call. BAR: Good call

a.if right is taken you automatically move to the short one for space, and stall if those are both taken. Don't be the "squish in guy"

2.Left urinal: WORK: Weird but ok. BAR: Good call

a.In this case I doubt the work bathrooms are that busy but ok it’s a weird first choice.

3.Middle urinal: WORK: Don’t be a dick. BAR: Good call

a.Don't be "that guy" at work power stance in the middle tie over the shoulder, move down before I kick you in the wang and make you piss on yourself.

MISC RULES

MISC RULES

This is just going to be a list of rules 1 and 11 are GOLDEN RULES

1.DON'T EVER EVER EVER take your eyes off the tile/tv/newspaper/flusher head in front of you…wandering eyes can result in an epic ass kicking

2.DON'T talk to anyone Buddies don't count, never talk to a stranger

3.DON'T look up You will end up getting piss all over your shoes, or falling over if your drunk

4.Urine should cover whole bowl first then accurate cigarette pissing may occur

5.DON'T pour daiquiri's in their: you should not be drinking them anyhow but if you do don't put any frozen shit in their it can mix with urine to make a toxic smell.

6.*special Stall rule FLUSH THE GOD DAMN TOILET!

7.*special Stall rule Put up the "shitting rim" before you pee in an emergency someone might have to shit….what if it was you?

8.Talking: shaking hands and other things may occur as normal during hand washing

9.Trash: goes in the trash- Don’t be dumb

10.No snot rockets: in urinal- do that shit in the sink. I don't want snot near my dick

11.WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS!

Bathroom Rules for men

The Approach (Appendix)

For this example I will use the standard 3 pisser setup. 1 short 2 tall ones as show in the figure below

1. Urinal in the middle:


This would be the ideal choice for the "King of the Restroom" feeling, but do not disregard the draw of centered urinals. There is a certain power associated with being in the center. Now, that being said as soon as another man comes into the bathroom, you're screwed. This urinal is only a good choice when you don't expect company.

2. Use the urinal on the right:
This urinal gives you some outs in case you expect company. Now, admittedly, he will have a tougher choice: the low toilet and a safe distance, or a grown-up toilet that's too close to you. The next man into the restroom should at least understand he may have the "King" position, but he'll know you gave him his power.

3. Use the low urinal on the left:
There is absolutely no way the next man into the restroom will choose the middle urinal. You are again relinquishing status, but this time you guarantee distance. Of course, if somebody really short (or a child) comes into the bathroom, you will feel like a tool for taking the only urinal they could have possibly used.

Now I gotta go piss

The Zen Master

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