Peter Jackson does some recasting for The Hobbit.

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No Dark Hobbits

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Peter Jackson, currently working on the epic Lord of the Rings prequel The Hobbit, has fired his casting director as a result of racially discriminatory parameters given to those hoping to act as hobbit extras.  Specifically, the casting director called for “light skin tones” and denied Shire residency to a hopeful of Pakistani background.  To avoid further backlash from this incident, Jackson has decided to recast the entire film with dark-skinned actors.

Early reports discussed plans to change the title of the upcoming epic to The Bobbit, as a means to imply the famed hobbit Bilbo Baggins would be played by a black actor.  However, those rumors were dismissed early on after entertainment polls showed that many movie-goers assumed the subject of the film would involve Lorena Bobbit, who is best known for cutting a dick off.  Other race-specific re-titling rumors have circulated, as well, including The Browbbit (Mexican), The Siciliobbit (Italian), and The Hobbit (Haitian).  None of these reports are confirmed and many are recognized as more racist than the initial issue regarding the casting director.

Here’s a sneak peak at some of the potential dark-skinned casting choices Jackson may use to populate Middle Earth this time around:

Bilbo Baggins

Having masterfully played the role of an elf in Bad Santa, Tony Cox is a clear choice for Bilbo Baggins. As a bonus, his size may help save money in the film’s already bloated special effects budget.


By casting Sleeping Beauty’s Malificent as the gold-hungry Smaug, the production not only gains a dark-skinned (scaled) actor, but a strong female, as well.


Wait, another little person role? Eh, Fuck CG. Might as well just give this one to Tony Cox, too. Whatever, slap a beard on him and do some blue screen.


To fill the stilettos of gay actor Ian McKellen in the role of Gandalf, Jackson might consider using J Alexander of America’s Top Model.

New Direction?

Beyond re-casting, rumor has it that Jackson will replace himself as director with Tyler Perry, who plans to substitute Gandalf with his recurring character Madea.  The film will inexplicably make a shit ton of money.

My name is t.j. and the words “report” and “rumor” should be read as “lie made up by t.j.”

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