Oh, excuse me while I remove the stick from your butt, Lady Liberty.

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November 15, 2010

The TSA has finally started implementing nude body scans and genital groping as part of their new security measures. And of course, Americans are up in arms about it. Typical America. But I say bring it on. Here are five reasons why. And while you read that, I'll go remove the stick out of your ass, Lady Liberty. 

1. I Already Spend My Life Trying To Get People to See Me Naked

The majority of our days are spent making ourselves look good. We go the gym and pretend to know what we're doing, we doll ourselves up before going to the latest key party -- all with the intent to get someone to see us naked. The TSA is DOING THE WORK FOR US. All we have to do is spend some cash on a plane ticket (not the first time we've invested in nudity) and show up. They do the rest. "Step over here for a body scan." Sure thing. "Prepare for a genital grope." Hold my bags, please.

2. If We Don't Accept Public Nudity, the Terrorist Win

This is what they want. You realize that, don't you? They're just sitting around their Ground Zero Mosque, loving every second that we squabble over this matter. Every time we don't let complete strangers do a full nude body scan, we're that much closer to throwing in the towel as the best g.d. country in the world. The America I know believes in full frontal. 

3. Nude Body Scan or Genital Grope? Yes, please.

They say you're more likely to die in the drive to the airport than on the actual plane. To that, I say, I already drive to the airport naked. Having to get dressed just to not die on my flight seems inane. I'm all about efficiency and the TSA's scratching me right where I itch. And groping me right where my genitals are. 

4. I'm Already Taking off my Belt at Security

Why stop there? I can't tell you how many times I've removed by belt at the metal detector only to start unbuttoning my jeans, only to think "wait a minute, Barry, this is not the YMCA." It's just my habitual instinct to see a bunch of people, remove my belt, and naturally start taking off my pants. So, in my mind, this is just the first step in encouraging all travelers to feel comfortable. To take off their pants like they always want to. Anyway, the bottom line is, if TSA wants a show, I'll give them a show.  

5. Saves Me a Trip to the Doctor

You know what I hate doing? Scheduling doctor's appointments. You know what I love doing? Leaving the state. The latter happens surprisingly often. From a variety of states, no less. So I'm more than okay having a TSA employee (or "Doctor") feel around down there for any unusual activity. 

Barry R. is a staunch supporter of good times. He can't be followed on Twitter or Facebook because he's usually at the airport.