Funny or Die's resident fitness advisor, Joseph Teegardin, helps ensure you never lose any weight by following these steps.

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September 20, 2010

Praying To God

We’ll just go ahead and get this one out of the way. Nothing could be more controversial than religion. People look to whatever God they worship to get them through everything in life. Job loss. Financial troubles. Herpes. You name any situation that someone could find themselves in and someone’s prayed about it before. If it “works,” they consider their prayers answered. Otherwise, they tell themselves that it was meant to be and they’ll just pray harder next time. So what if they are walking around with a shining example of one of the seven deadly sins on their abdomen. Undoubtedly, weight loss is something millions pray about in their homes and trailer parks on a daily occurrence. 

If you are looking to continue your struggle with obesity, then there’s no better way than to keep swallowing cheeseburgers whole and praying to a deity that you’ll wake up no longer being a grossly overweight person. Enough have done this that surely it has at least worked for one person before, right? Well, this may come as a downright shocker to you, but NO, there’s never been any documented cases of prayer leading to weight loss. (I combed through the Wikipedia entry on “praying” for at least an hour, too!)

It might sound quite trivial that this is actually a thing people do but, in fact, it’s a well documented practice. A book dedicated to this subject suggests this little morsel of fun: “Instead of reaching for a snack, say a prayer. God will relieve you of your craving if you truly believe.” Wow. You’re well on your way to a Jesus-induced case of anorexia! “But that’s just talking about snacks, God! What about regular meals?” Seems easy enough. Just pray that your body treats treats these chili cheese fries as a nice bunch of broccoli. If you do it right, then God will answer your prayers and you’ll escape any of the side effects of junk food! It’s fool proof!

In the end, the Religious method of weight loss is sure to have you upsizing your combo meals for years to come. Science versus religion will be a heated battle for the rest of mankind, but shedding pounds is all science. No religion.

Unless you’re on a Holy Communion-only diet.