5 characters that should, nay, MUST be in the new Batman film "The Dark Knight Rises."

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September 04, 2011

In 2012, hopefully before the world ends, we'll be given what is touted to be the final chapter in Christopher Nolan's interpretation of the Batman Mythos, "The Dark Knight Rises". This new addition to the series will introduce such characters as Bane and Catwoman into the gritty Gotham depicted in the films.

However, I think that there have been some glaring omissions in regards to some characters integral to the Bat-Universe and because my opinions are like herpes, in that I give them to everyone eventually, here is my list of these sadly overlooked characters that NEED to be in the newest Batman film.

The Calculator


This guy's origin story basically goes like this: He woke up one day and, tired of the daily grind of being an Asian university student stereotype, decided to strap a calculator to his chest and fight superheroes. Ummm... Yeah. That'll stop the constant jokes about being good at math and having a small Willy Wangsteiner. He only really rose above being a minor annoyance when he got caught taking a dump in the fuel tank of the Batmobile.

Anyway, why is it called taking a dump when you're actually depositing something? Wouldn't LEAVING a dump be more appropriate? And, turd burglars excepted, who would actually TAKE a dump anyway? And for what purpose? To display proudly among their mantle? "And here, next to my gourd, is a piece of poop I stole from the toilet of the keyboardist from 'Toto'..."

His calculator chest plate somehow made it impossible for him to fight the same hero twice. But one face raping from Batman's fist is all that was needed to end his criminal career. 

Go and fuck a house fire, Calculator.

Crazy Quilt

This guy is the Liberace of Super villain fashion - Flamboyant to the point of being literal eye rape, he is the perfect example of what you'd look like if you were last in line at the super villain costume store.

He was initially a thief who left clues in paintings, like some cockhole character from an even wankier version of 'The Davinci code'; after being blinded by Robin,  he chose to wear an A.I.D.S quilt as a costume and tried to constantly make Robin French kiss his fist, probably whilst singing the Loverboy hit "Everybody's working for the weekend." Put simply, he was gay, totally gay, like prince Gaylord, ruler of Gaydonia gay... Gayness in the anus.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.


A Kite enthusiast by the name of Charles Brown, Kiteman does exactly what his name would suggest he does. That right... He flies around strapped to a giant kite, attacking Batman with a myriad of kite based weapons. Wow. For realsies.

Due to the similarities in name, I like to believe that Kiteman is actually an adult Charlie Brown from 'Peanuts', finally driven insane from constantly having his kite stolen by the dreaded 'Kite-Eating Tree.'

Well, it fits better than his actual origin, which seems to be wearing a kite suit and committing crimes for the sheer fuckery of it.  After being defeated many times, he built a giant maze made of corn and called it "The Amazing Maize Maze”.
Except he didn't.

Ten Eyed Man

A Vietnam War veteran, Phillip Reardon was inadvertently blinded during a scuffle with Batman. I guess that's as good a reason as any to get sand in your vagina. Instead of accepting his fate, he goes and sees Dan Castellaneta's doctor from 'Arrested Development', you know, the one who shortened Michael's calf muscles because it could theoretically make him jump higher, and gets what has to be the biggest muffinload of dogwank operation ever:  The wiring of his optical nerves to his fingers, allowing him to see out of his digits. Yeah.

Evidently this operation was intended to give him the ability to see 360 degrees, but it only served to make him the most easily defeated superhero ever.  Simply toss an item to him, any item at all, and when he instinctively catches the item, he'll be in such immense pain that a swift judo chop to the love eggs is all it takes to drop him for good. Yeah, who would've thought that turning your fingers into eyeballs would be a bad idea?

However, I'm both excited and simultaneously horrified by the possibilities afforded by the potential sexual applications of these unique digits.


Officially the most bad-ass hero ever, Dogwelder does precisely what his name suggests – He welds dogs. Dead dogs. To people. On their faces.
Read that last fragmented sentence again. Now hire a cleaning crew to come around and mop up the mess caused by having your mind blown.

Dogwelder carries around dead puppies and  spot welds them to the faces of criminals. He is a humane superhero, using only dead puppies so as to avoid animal cruelty... However, he does kill all of the puppies himself. 

He initially tried to do his vigilante welding with living puppies, but the wriggling and barks of pain caused by welding a  Chinese Shar Pei to the face of a thug really threw his concentration.
Dogwelder was a member of what would easily take the cake as the most uncontrollable erection causing superhero group ever conceived  'Section 8'.

"How can he weld human flesh to fur? Because he's Dogwelder. That's how."

Known for patrolling Gotham City's Irish section, The Cauldron, Section 8's other members are:

Sixpack: This dude’s special ability is grotesque drunkenness and beating villains with broken-off liquor bottles... Like a more subdued Mel Gibson.

Bueno Excellente: An extremely obese, sweaty, and bald Latino  clad only in a grimy trench coat. He "defeats evil with the power of perversion." Only ever says "Bueno", often preceded by a creepy chuckle and a serious rape-face. May or may not have sodomised one time Green Lantern Kyle Rayner.

* The Defenestrator: A large, burly man in a denim jacket, black sunglasses, with black hair who obsessively carries around a window through which he forcefully throws criminals and the occasional unlucky policeman

* Friendly Fire: A large, hapless man in a red cowl, Friendly Fire would easily be the most powerful of Section 8's heroes if he were to shoot anything other than allies with the potent bolts of energy he fires from his hands.

Jean de Baton-Baton: A bizarrely gaunt walking French caricature who defeats enemies with "the power of Frenchness," as expressed by savage beatings with a baguette and occasionally blinding others with rings of garlic and onions.

* Flemgem: A sickly, thin, bald man in a green suit and a purple domino mask who has the ability to produce and expel large volumes of phlegm, which can blind, suffocate, or simply disgust evildoers.

* Shakes: A thin, hairy vagrant who upsets people through stutters and an overall shaking palsy. He is a frequent, accidental target of Friendly Fire.

Now, it might just be me, but that is the coolest shit I have ever heard, and I've listened to the entirety of  'Rat On!' by Swamp Dogg.

Above all of the other characters on this list, it is Dogwelder who I wish to see immortalised in celluloid the most.
Join this facebook group and have your voice heard by Christopher Nolan if you share the same desire to see a dead puppy spot welded to Christian Bales face in "The Dark Knight Rises."

Screw it, join if you want to see that in ANY Christian Bale film. Win an oscar for that, fartknocker.

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