My name is L. Scott Ferguson. I am a fundamentalist Christian reaching out to the young readers here at Funny or Die. I want to raise your awareness about an issue that affects us all in this great country of ours: smaller American catastrophes gays are responsible for. Now, I'm sure you're aware that God has seen the transgression of the gays, and has wreaked his punishment with terrible catastrophes such as Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Sandy, and Disney World. But are you also aware that the homosexual is also responsible for other smaller, though no less alarming, American catastrophes? Here are some of them:
Over the last 40 years, homosexuals moved into run-down neighborhoods in our American cities. Using their homosexual good taste, they beautified these neighborhoods with their evil crown molding, their paint scheme trickery, and their shameful landscaping. God punished us all... with high rents. Curse the homosexual! Now, no one can afford a one-bedroom in the East Village!
Once, good Christian men were able to find mates with no effort. We could be fat and boring, and still get women. Then, the homosexual came along with his well-developed physique, conversational skills, great style, and the ability to shake it. Because the homosexual is more fun to be around, women flock to him, even though he has no desire to procreate with them. As a result, God punished good heterosexual men with no game by making it impossible for them attract women! Curse the homosexual. Now we all have to go on e-Harmony!
Good boring heterosexual
Fabulous gay man
In 1994, Toyota introduced the RAV4 sport utility vehicle. The RAV4 was an immediate hit, especially with women of the “lesbian” persuasion, who, according to our statistics, purchased 20% of these cursed foreign vehicles. God punished us by decimating the American auto industry, resulting in a socialism-style bailout. Curse the lesbians, and thei need to buy foreign SUVs to for camping trips and antiquing expedition. Buy a gas-hog Chevy Alice, or get out of this country!
Toyota RAV4 lesbian utility vehicle
The catastrophic result
Homosexuals are notorious for keeping themselves in good shape, frequenting gyms in their evil plot to look good so they can have more wrongful sex. Good heterosexuals saw how well this worked, and started going to the gym, but were intimidated by the homosexual’s ability to do more squats, leg presses, and bicep curls. As a result, heterosexuals were scared away from fitness centers. God punished us with unused gym memberships that are automatically charged to our Visa cards. Since good heterosexual Christians are too guilty and lazy to cancel their memberships, our country is now economically crippled. Curse the homosexual!
Gay man in great shape (no homo)
A good heterosexual man broke from not using his gym membership