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What is this? I'm trying to enjoy my Sunday night and the minion with the remote control just put on the MTV movie awards. Inspired me to rant a little bit about some things that I hate.
Published June 11, 2012 More Info »
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Published June 11, 2012

Reality TV About Hicks

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Why is there a man dragging dead beavers across the TV screen?

Why are these people wearing the pelts of rodents that most of us hit with our cars? Did they scrape the dead animals off of the road and skin them for their coat crafting? 

Ok- this gave me an idea for a show I'd actually like to see:

A show about selling rich people coats made of roadkill fur.

Basically - trick pompous rich people into wearing dead possum fur then laugh at them and have the road kill scraping hicks come dance around them whilst playing the jug and fiddle.

Oh so silly, they're wearing things that are unfashionable! (Perhaps I can leave an eyeball in the coat pocket, little treat for later). 

Movies That Everyone Likes

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STOP TALKING. JUST STOP. CLOSE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH.

I heard that Hunger Games was good - like I heard that from reputable people - and yet, I can't see it. Why? Because everyone keeps talking it up so much!

It makes me feel like a total follower for going to see it. If I even express an interest in something like this, I feel like a nerdy pimply 12 year old desperately trying to be "up with the trends" - I swear that all of a sudden it's like I'm wearing butt crack revealing jeans with a sparkly "baby spice" t-shirt again. 

Seeing a movie like Hunger Games is the equivalent of tweeting at Justin Beiber (to be dealt with in the next section). 

Sometimes this happens with movies like Twilight, which are cleeeearly not being missed. I mean those movies are hunks of shit. Sparkly vampires twirling in the light while they get chased by Lassie on steroids - No thanks. 

But I heard that the Hunger Games was actually good - and that was taken from me - and now I rant.

Justin Beiber Creepers

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Where did this thing come from?

It's sort of precious in a sexually abvielent, mop headed, smush face kind of way. I feel like his skin would feel dewey and spongey, like an alcoholic's skin. 

The worst people are those adults who are over 18 and think he's hot. That's not right. Not only is he underage, he looks super underage, like a small, tiny, female child. He has a tiny vagina and there's no denying that - That's fact. 

So stop trying to hit on tiny vagina boy. If you touch him, he'll probably urinate, like a hamster. Then everyone loses. 

BIG BOY'S MORNING SHOW

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I make a long commute from Hollywood to Santa Monica every day and so I listen to a lot of radio.

I have a message for you Big Boy of Power 106:

STOP WITH THE COWBELL IN THE MORNING!

The absolute last thing I want to hear on my way to work when I'm pissed off that I'm awake and looking at shit is to be hassled with your horrible loud cowbells. 

It's not one or two cowbells - not a small sprinkle of cowbell. It's NON STOP cowbell. He uses it like cheesy sitcoms use pre-recorded studio laughter. It sounds like my alarm clock is ringing and I can't find the way to turn it off. It's incessant and loud and brain melting. 

It gives me a tick. That's dangerous when I'm driving.

Big Boy - YOU ARE A DANGER. He looks so friendly but don't let him fool you, he will distract you will his bell of death and you will drive the wrong way down the 405.  

The bell tolls and it tolls for you. The time is nigh. The cowpocalypse is now. 

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