5 Predictions About Beyonce and Jay-Z's Baby

Beyonce and Jay-Z seem like a couple of down to earth billionaires, so you’d like to hope they won’t name their child something asinine like Inertia or Pomegranate. Side note: when a famous person names their child Pomegranate, and that will happen, they’ll almost certainly spell it in some insufferable way with hyphens and at least two silent letters. 

Then again, Beyonce and Jay-Z are wildly rich and famous so all bets are off when it comes to naming their progeny. Even if they name their kid something ridiculous, we’ll all think it’s completely normal after three weeks of hearing it all the time. Just like the names Beyonce and Jay-Z. Those are kinda weird names when you think about it. Life moves pretty fast! Don’t forget to stop and smell the roses or at least zone at your desk for seven minutes thinking about how weird the names Beyonce and Jay-Z are.

Whether this child chooses a career in music or film or music or even film they can look forward to instant fame and fortune. Working hard is fun but you know what’s another great way to make a lot of money? Have two of the richest people on the planet be your parents. Just by being born, this kid is set for retirement. That baby will make more money in two weeks of pooping diapers than most adults make in two years of pooping diapers on live webcams.

I don’t even go to this kid’s school and I already want to be their best friend. It's safe to say they won't know what it's like to be picked last at kickball or struggle to find a buddy for a field trip. The lineup for their birthday parties will probably rival Coachella. “Just put your gift down on that table next to the stage where Kanye West is currently performing versions of his songs with lyrics that reference me and my hobbies. If your offering isn’t good enough, you won’t be invited back next year. It’s the Roc!” –This baby at his or her fifth birthday.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the new album on Lil Wayne’s laptop or the DMX in Arizona’s finest correctional facility, nothing in the Hip Hop community gets released on time. This baby is no exception and will probably get leaked at least a week early. Someone in Beyonce’s entourage needs to follow her around with a towel and a catcher’s mitt after the eighth month. In the meantime, we can look forward to mixtapes from the womb and ultrasound pictures on World Star Hip Hop accompanied with speculation about who the baby is dating.