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If you mix a horrible plot line with a rapping genie played by Shaquille O'Neal, you get the feature film "Kazaam" & more inspired life lessons then all the proverbs of the world combined.
Published December 23, 2011 More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Kazaam, Shaq, Shaquille O'Neal, the nineties, horrible plot writers, my cat.
40 Funny Votes
2 Die Votes
950 Views
Published December 23, 2011

ONE.

If a lamp falls in an empty basement with no one to hear it, does it make a sound? Yes. Shaq screaming.

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TWO.

If you ever find yourself being chased through a city slum by young thugs, find the most decrepit and threatening looking abandoned building possible; be sure that it is the one which appears to have the most schizophrenic drug addicts squatting in it, and than hide inside.

THREE.

Be sure to then find, trust, befriend and eventually follow around the abnormally large man speaking in rhyme while living in a pile of rags in said abandoned building's basement.

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FOUR.

All bike races with Shaq will end in golden showers and poor rhyming, therefore be sure to do everythingin your power to pursue this sporting event at least once in your life.

 

FIVE.

Shaq can infact “make it rain onuh bitch”, but only in the form of unappetizing looking junk food like loose meat sandwiches, sloppy joes and Skittles.

 

 

SIX.

If your long lost father turns out to be the person responsible for Dah Brat's music career, you were PROBABLY better off without him anyway...

 

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SEVEN.

Da Brat and Shaq's rap battle being so immensely impressive to someone is a great indication of just how untrustworthy that person's judgment actually is.

EIGHT.

Shaq eats goat eyes and wears ill fitting cowboy themed pajama sets meant for little boys to bed.

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NINE.

Listening to a rap battle between a 12 year old boy from the 1990's and Shaq about his immortal life spent as a genie is the equivalent to approximately 3 college credits. However, you would probably prefer the 3 months of hour and a half long lectures to the 2 minutes and 14 seconds of their "rap/rhyming". Trust me.

TEN.

The music industry in the 1990's was actually ran by Middle Eastern hit men in satin button up shirts who relied on 'magic boom boxes' for hit singles and fireworks. Which actually explains allot, such as the success of “Hanson” and “Dee-lite”.

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ELEVEN.

If your father disowns you over a bootleg Shaq and Da Brat tape; once again, you were probably better off without him.

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TWELVE.

Kazaam rhymes with green eggs and ham.

THIRTEEN.

When provoked Middle-Eastern genie/basketball stars can do Karate.

FOURTEEN.

Computer graphics have improved immensely since the 1990s.

FIFTEEN.

Even when he is busy being a genie and a rap star, Shaq can still find the time to do a really cool looking slam dunk.

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SIXTEEN.

When Shaq kisses young boys he becomes huge, shiny and golden.

SEVENTEEN.

Don't treat your firefighter stepfather like a douchebag over Shaq, because he just might save you from one of his crazy antics one day.

EIGHTEEN.

In 1996 it was completely normal to see a 7 foot African American male genie in Arabic customary walking around the NYC slums. Actually, as a native New Yorker living in Brooklyn, I guess that is STILL kinda normal.

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NINETEEN.

Shaq ALWAYS gets the girl....

TWENTY.

The magic was in my heart the whole time.

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