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A disturbing nerdological trend has infested our nation: Hot popular people now claim to be "nerds" - depriving us real nerds of the only thing we have, our arrogant superiority.
Published September 19, 2011 More Info »
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Published September 19, 2011

I, Nerdicus

A disturbing nerdological trend has infested our nation. No, it’s not Nerd Persecution – it’s the exact opposite. It’s Nerd Appropriation.

That’s right, through some bizarre twist of fate, it’s now become cool for fashionable, good-looking, popular – in other words totally un-nerdy – people to boast that they are and always have been, underneath it all, really just big stinking nerds. Geeks, spazzes, dorks, whatever. It’s now hip for winners to call themselves losers.

I'm quirky!

The most recent example of this absurdity is the Fox TV show “New Girl,” which brands the stunningly gorgeous Zooey Deschanel as a dorky loser – or in the words of the show’s marketing campaign “adorkable” – apparently because she likes to scrunch up her nose sometimes and occasionally makes sounds like “wonka, wonka, wonka.”

Well, as someone who has spent his entire life as an actual nerd – medal-winner in high school Science Olympiad, editor of school newspaper, and consistently picked last in gym class, only occasionally beating out Tiffany X, the girl who always picked her nose – I call bullshit. To all you stunningly hot, socially secure hipsters in Silverlake and Brooklyn and fashionable enclaves throughout the world who proudly proclaim yourselves closet nerds because once when you were a child you “read a book” or accidentally watched and vaguely enjoyed the last twelve minutes of “Lord of The Rings” on HBO Family late one night after a spate of drunken carousing with other attractive, popular people – to hell with you all. (Post-Script: It was actually “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers,” but such distinctions mean nothing to you.)

A pair of thick-rimmed glasses and a Members Only jacket do not a geek make.

Being a nerd is not fun or sexy. Being a nerd is about pain. It’s about misery and social rejection and paying dues. It damn well isn’t about being cool, and I hate to break it to you all but a lot of the time it’s not even about being “creative” or “quirky” or even “misunderstood.” Think about it – was the aforementioned Tiffany X shunned for a bad reason? She picked her goddamn nose! Constantly! There was nothing artistic or interesting about it, it was not an installation piece and she didn’t use her snot to paint a Picasso – it was just gross.

Sure, I do find a certain poetic justice in the fact that now one of you cool attractive people would pay $150 for her old, booger-stained Burt N Ernie T-shirt at a vintage store in Los Feliz because the mucus somehow makes it more “authentic.” But honestly, you don’t deserve to own that crusty shirt. Because you never really earned it.

I imagine that this is how black people felt back in the 80s and 90s when rich white kids in the suburbs started blasting gangsta rap and using the N-word. Except now instead of hydraulics and doo-rags, it’s a Prius and skinny jeans.

Ergo, in honor of the real nerds of the world and all we’ve suffered, I present the Top 11 Hot Fake Poser Nerds of All Time. Never forget!

11. Julie Montgomery – Betty Childs in Revenge of the Nerds

Yes, I know you dump Stan for Lewis Skolnick and embrace all of nerd-dom at the end of the movie, but that was only after you found out how great Skolnick was in the sack (or in this case on the moon bounce). Such crass selfishness cannot be rewarded.

10. Rivers Cuomo – Weezer

Fine, so you feel safe in your garage - blah, blah, blah. I don’t care how socially awkward you are or how many cardigans you wear, rock stars get tons of ass.

9. The Entire Cast of ER (except maybe the Indian girl)

Have you ever actually seen the staff of a real inner-city ER? George Clooney they are not. You may find an Anthony Edwards here or there, but only a Pre-Top Gun ROTN-Era Anthony Edwards.

8. Ally Sheedy – Breakfast Club

On second thought, no – this was pretty legitimate.

7. Ryan Gosling – Lars and the Real Girl

"Look at me! I straddle both worlds by making both vapid blockbusters and touching indie movies!" Sure he’s all shy and sensitive and introverted, but have you seen this guy’s abdominal muscles? Nerds have horrible core strength and flexibility. As a Dothraki warrior would say, "It is known."

6. Clark Kent

Fuck you, dude. Those glasses and mild-mannerisms don’t fool me. Now you’re not even really American anymore. And what’s up with the package?

5. Velma from Scooby Doo

Granted, she looks pretty damn frumpy in the cartoon, and poor vision is definitely the mark of a true nerd, but by the time she got to the big screen Hollywood decided to take uber-hot Linda Cartellini and throw some glasses and a wig on her. Isn’t that kind of like when movies used to take white people and paint them brown because Asians were banned? Did I really just compare “Scooby Doo” to “The Good Earth”?

4. Danica McKellar – Winnie from Wonder Years

This is actually the reverse of the trend – Danica went from being the hot girl-next-door on Wonder Years to… writing a bunch of math text books? It’s impossible to question those bona fides. She is, in fact, a true nerd. I guess.

3. Natalie Portman / Natalie Hershlag

Okay, fine – so she went to Harvard and speaks a bunch of languages. And she does get bonus points for her original last name, “Hershlag.” (Hershlag? Seriously?) In fact, I don’t even know if she’s ever actually made any claim to nerd cred. But no one that good looking should also be that smart. It’s just not fair.

2. Anne Hathaway

She announced grandly on the Daily Show that she's a nerd because ... she likes playing Scrabble. My heart goes out to you, sister geek. You have truly suffered for your crazy genius. Perhaps future generations will appreciate you. Perhaps.

1. Megan Fox

She took the cake by talking about how much she likes to “geek out” to comic books and actually proclaiming herself “the biggest nerd,” according to the amazingly trustworthy source www2.chinadaily.com. How much of a nerd? She got a tattoo of a line from Shakespeare’s King Lear on her back… and misquoted it.

Most recently, she’s dedicated herself to the study of archaeology. In the words of Forrest Gump, That's all I have to say about that.

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