#1 - Chuck Norris


 I have nothing personal against the Chuck,  but if your trying to get your name out there as a badass mutha fucka that don't take no shit from nobody,  bumping off Chuck Norris is probably the way to go.  Upon the demise of poor Chuck, who did nothing wrong (Dexter would not approve),  I would be known as the ultimate badass, stricking fear into the hearts of all who even heard the whisper of my name,  I would have bragging rights for life and as an added bonus instead of there being jokes like:


                                                       Death once had a near Chuck Norris experience 


                                                                          It would be more like:


                                                       Valarie Howard's tears cure cancer.  Too bad she's never cried.


                                                                 THAT would be AWESOME!!!


#2 - Jerry Sanducky


The ultimate monster in my opinion,  to create a foundation for misguided children under the guise of helping them just to have an endless pool of victims at your fingertips...to choose victims that have already been exposed to the underbelly of our society...to treat them as if you were their friend and were going to help them yet steal their very innocence because you KNOW that there IS no one to tell and even if they did tell  they would not be believed because they are labeled as "troubled",  that is the ultimate evil and for that he deserves to die.  This is nothing a fist full of razor blades, a bottle of alcohol,  and a twisted imagination can't bring to a painfully slow end.


#3 - Casey Anthony


 I can just hear some of the whiny naysayers already but I say a clear and present ..Yay.  I understand that we live in a country based on freedom,  I understand that everyone derserves a fair trial,  I also understand that she was found innocent however,  what I don't understand is how a person who has taken the life and breath away from her very own child is free to go about her life.  They don't have enough evidence to convict her and  blah, blah, blahhh.  However, what we do know is that she didn't report her daughter missing at all and that, to me,  speaks volumes as to the kind of mother she is.  Never has a person's silence spoken so loudly.  Remember... the jury didn't get all the information we did because some of the evidence was inadmissible in court.  There are no valid reasons for her actions,  and I know with all my heart that woman had a hand in her own child's murder.... The court of law require evidence ... ninjas do not...the bitch dies.


#4 - Zak Bagans (of Ghost Adventures)

  How dare you have a name that even resembles that of Bilbo Baggins you spineless twit.  Okayyyy....now that I've gotten that little inner nerd fest over with,  I would like to thank Zak personally for sucking so badly that I have to make reference to what show he is on after his name so that some people may know who he is and...well...most STILL don't.   For all of you who don't know Zak Bagans,  he is this  douchebag "ghost chaser"  who is forever taunting the neighborhood ghost, demon, entity or poltergeist...what have you,  and at the first sign of activity he runs,  screaming,  like a girl in the opposite direction.  I hope, just once, that he does encounter a ghost... and that that ghost is an angry ghost..,  and I hope that when that ghost gets angry it likes to make things bleed... and I hope that by things it means guys named Zak with Stepford "metro sexual" haircuts who are complete bitches and have a heightened sense of self worth.  The sight of him is synonymous with a deep need inside of me to inflict pain upon another.  One of us has to go!!!

#5 - Justin Bieber


One less lonely girl???  Oh,  I think not… how about one less lively boy!!!   This kid is soooo in love with himself.  He seems to me to be the type of snot nosed, little tool that would  ”take his ball and go home” if he wasn’t chosen to be a captain.  Justin Bieber isn’t talented.  Justin Bieber is marketable.  He is everything that is wrong with the music industry today and for that he shall die, well, that and that stupid ass haircut that looks like a comb over without a purpose.


#6 - Nancy Grace


Nancy Grace is a shrieking, loathsome Banshee with a pointing finger,  snarling,  unfounded convictions and angry eyebrows that could scare the dark out of a closet.  Her arrogance and self righteousness are only exceeded by her stupidity, lack of deductive skill and complete disregard for fact.  Who made her judge, jury and executioner???  She also has this morbid fixation with inflicting pain on those who are in an emotionally weaken state.  If you have been kidnapped,  raped,  molested,  held captive,  tortured,  or have recently lost a dear loved one,  I assure you,  Nancy Grace will make you relive every last grizzly detail in HD with not one iota of tact or remorse.  She has absolutely no compassion for a fellow human being and would kick crippled children while drowning a litter of kittens if it meant higher ratings.   The only fans she has are mindless cretins or masochists who have found the ultimate form of torture…Nancy Grace’s cackling voice.  She is a sociopath who deserves to meet the business end of a sledgehammer face to face…the end. 


#7 - The Skeksis (from the dark crystal)


these huge ass vulture like shambling birds with creepy voices that must have been created from Jim Henson’s nightmares… from Jim’s nightmares they walked straight into mine.  I am a huge fan of horror movies....I have been all my life.  I have seen more than most people, from the obscure to the mainstream,  yet still to this day there is not one creature, science experiment, alien, ghost or killer that has scared me to my core like  these god damn puppets.  I was very young, about 6, when I saw them for the first time, and I still remember, to this very day, who was there, what I was wearing, and the room we were in when we watched it. Assassinating inanimate objects may sound crazy, but to sleep the sleep of the fearless, this I must do.  I understand there are some of you who are going to be disappointed about there being nonhuman targets on this list, however, I AM WRITING ABOUT ONE DAY BEING NINJA, how serious can we really be???  Besides,  it's common knowledge that  I save all my assassinating for the ps3, and I'd also like to point out….Chuck Norris isn’t human…he’s from Mars…that is why there are no signs of life there. 




#8. The Moms from Toddlers and Tiaras


Yes…I know these are multiple targets however… they have the combined IQ of a sloth with below average intelligence, therefore I count them as one.  These women are heartless soul suckers who feed on the youth of their children.  They exploit their children because of their selfish need for notoriety and to vicariously be the most beautiful girl in (insert Podunk town).  They say the pageants are building their child’s self confidence but what about when they don’t win???  Only one can...right!!! And after it's all over,  if they are not the winner, they are told by their very own mother that even second place is just first loser!!! You tell me, in what other walk of life is a 4 year old child told they are not pretty or talented enough on a regular basis???  EVERY child is beautiful in their own way and it shouldn’t take a spray tan, teeth whitening, make-up, hair extensions and a $1000 dress to tell her so.  These women go so far as to starve their daughters, force feed them pixie sticks and caffeine so they appear to be “energetic” and even inject them with botox …this is abuse on a physical level.  They are sexualizing their children and teaching them that their worth lies only in their physical beauty which fosters destructive self criticism….that is mental and emotional abuse,  just because they wrap it up in a nice, shiny pink package doesn’t make it less ugly.   Someone needs to step in and help these future anorexic, trophy wives of America….save them from Mommy dearest and her unfulfilled dreams.  They have assassinated their daughter’s childhood and therefore , through Karma, deserve to be assassinated themselves.


#9 - Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino


Okay...here is the real situation...he looks like Pauly Shore with a bad hair cut at the beginning of his second cycle of anabolic steroids.  I believe him to be all that is wrong with men today... a whiny, coddled,  back stabbing shit talker who writes checks with his mouth that his ass can't cash.  It seems today that if you have a spray tan,  a tube of "got to b" glued and a half way decent body you can get by as "hot" if a girl is drunk enough to blur out your face,   he is a perfect example of that.   Call me crazy but if a guy who has clearly put more effort into his outfit tonight than I have put into my whole week comes saunter over to me in a bar with his too tight tee shirt, orange spray tan, spiky hair and tribal arm band tattoo just reeeking of ed hardy and disappointment  his GTL wannabe ego is going to be checked. I said this the other day to one of my friends and I will say it to you now... REAL men are a dying breed... REAL men don't get there eyebrows waxed they use a razor just to clean up the middle so they don't have a unibrow, REAL men  have 3 different piles of laundry...(a) clean (b) dirty but wearable and (c) filthy and they do laundry as sparingly as possible and REAL men don't go tanning or wear bronzer they get tans from working in the sun,  camping or fishing.  Mike Sorrentino is the epitome of douchebaggery,a metro sexual who is trying to suck the dignity right out of being a male member of our species,  for this, he deserves to suffer a slow painful death,  I better get to him fast though before the STD's do!!

# 10 - Pat Robertson (the 700 club)


 I would sooner be a member of the Donner Party than I would a member of this man's congregation.  What a self- righteous, greedy,  souless piece of shit this dude is.  With that sinister rictus on his face, frozen there for all to see but not what lies beneath.  "Give me your money"  he says with promises of salvation,  a better future,  and entrance  into heaven.  I'm sorry but why do they need your money again???  What does God want with money..it is the root of all evil after all.  Ohhhh,  that's right, they say they build churches with it.   A church to worship a GOD that you can worship just a well from your home as you can from a church,  if God is all seeing and all knowing than God will hear you...churches don't have God in high def.  They also say the money goes to help the homeless...I believe we have seen alot more hurting the helpless than helping the homeless from the churches as of late.  If we opened up the books on Pat Robertson I'm pretty sure we are not going to find a man on the brink of poverty....I wonder where all THAT money is coming from...huh???   Pat Robertson preys on the emotionally weak,  the elderly, recovering alcoholics, the devoutly religious and the poor assholes like me.  Yup,  poor assholes like me who watch TV at weird times of the day... like while everyone else in the civilized world is at work or very, very early in the morning because we are insomiacs.  I usually flip through the channels in a strobe like fashion until I find something worth watching (typically I end up reading or playing PS3)  and sometimes I will come across the 700 club.  It is to me, what a gruesome,  deadly car accident is to rush hour traffic.  I think to myself.... "NO VAL,  don't stop and watch, you KNOW it's just going to disgust you and leaving you shaking your head and regretting the fact that you allowed it to steal some of your happy"  but the sadomasochist in me  snatches the remote and flips back.  About 10 minutes later I find myself alone in a room yelling in outrage at a man in my television at 3 a.m.  Then the horror dawns on me that somewhere,right now,  some of my counterparts,  perhaps many,  who are sleepless and partaking of the 700 club as well, are buying into this bullshit!!! In fact,  they may be,  right now,  picking up thier phones to make their contribution!!!!!  There are some  folks who say "Well, I see some of the good works the 700 club has done in the community on their show." To this I say... would you like to be paid $100 dollars a day to throw a penny at a bum, on camera, once a month???


                                      Pat Robertson has been quoted making rascist,  anti-gay,  and chauvinistic statements as well as throwing hellfire and brimstone at anything that he views as slightly undesireable.  He is so sinisterly evil he almost defies insult .  Never underestimate the slithering levels of absolute depravity that this man will go to in his quest for greed and power.   Remember when you sit down to dinner tonight after a long, hard day's work and your too tired to even get up and put your plate in the sink....Pat Robertson is napping, poolside in his cabana after a nice filet mignon lunch with blanched almond rabe (or something pretentious of the sort)  after a very exhausting round of golf.  WHY???  Because he is a confident and persuasive orator....... BUT  if we have learned anything from history it should be that this gift is not always used for good... i.e. David Koresh,  Adolf Hitler,  Charles Manson... I leave you with this quote from Pat Robertson :                                                                                                                                                                                                "It may be a blessing in disguise. ... Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other." –Pat Robertson, on the earthquake in Haiti that destroyed the capital and killed tens of thousands of people, Jan. 13, 2010



                                                      Tell me this douchebag doesn't deserve to DIE!!!!