Buying Tickets in Advance!
This might not help this holiday season- but a time-tested way of getting the best deals on flights is by buying in advance.
Pros: You can pick the cheapest fair at the most convenient times, allows you the peace-of-mind knowing months in advance that you aren’t going to have to scramble last minute.
Cons: Even months in advance, flights can still be expensive. It’s also rules out the “ooo sorry, I couldn’t find a cheap enough flight” excuse reason for not going home and having your mother harass you and watching your uncle get drunk and show everyone his butt.
Carpooling is great- just find a few friends whom have the same destination as you and hop into to whomever owns a car big enough to hold all you!
Pros: Cheap and you get to spend some quality time with friends before the onslaught of relatives you will soon be facing.
Cons: Sometimes it’s hard to find friends who are all going to the same location- also, there is always that guy who makes the Journey Mix tape because “Don’t Stop Believing” was your high school graduation song and he hasn’t stopped reliving the golden years yet. Goddamit Brian, I stopped believing a long time ago, grow up.
If you can’t find enough people who you know going to the same location, why not try people you don’t? There are plenty of websites out there that will hook you up with someone, background checks not required!
Pros: Safer than hitchhiking!
Cons: But only barely. I don’t think I need to remind you that axe-murders are pretty adept at using the Internet. Is it really worth saving a few bucks if it means you’ll be spending time in a car with a guy who google searched “people desperate enough to ride for hours with a stranger”?
Pick-up a delivery route!
I know what you’re thinking- you’re thinking “oh, a delivery route so I can save up money and actually buy a bus ticket or something!”. Wrong, dummy. You need to get a delivery route so you can drive do your destination on the company dime- just mail a package back home and make sure you’re the one assigned to drop it off!
Pros: Basically free (beyond the cost of shipping the package to where ever you need to go)
Cons: You need to get the job first. Usually companies don’t hire the type of person who would try out a scheme like this.
Maybe the delivery company screens for people who are possible lunatics- that doesn’t mean you still can’t use them to your advantage! Shipping a package is considerably cheaper than flying like a regular human (idiots, right?). If you are trying to travel on low funds, this is a great option.
Pros: More than half the cost of flying through a conventional airline
Cons: Cramped Quarters, sometimes packages get waylaid and you might end up dying covered in your own excrement in a UPS warehouse in Williston, North Dakota.
So there aren’t really many ships that you can stowaway on, but buses are ships of the future and they hardly ever checked for people who have chained themselves onto the undercarriage of a greyhound.
Pros: Totally free!
Cons: Road Rash.
Blake Knoblock is a writer and comedian, follow him on twitter @BigBadBlake