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If this past weekend has proven anything it’s that the opportunity to drop $20 to watch the Dark Knight Rises new trailer and stay to see Scarlett Johansson in black leather in IMAX is too tempting to pass up! Incidentally, if you think I’m making some snide commentary on the excess cost of movie tickets, in this case I’m not. Spending $20 to see the Williamsburg Bridge blow up in IMAX seems perfectly reasonable (just as long as Sleigh Bells isn’t on the Bridge at the time). Having said that, given the cost of movie tickets, I’m pretty sure Bane would spend this summer blowing up every theatre showing The Dark Knight Rises. Anyway, not to overhype, but the Dark Knight Rises is like... more »
Published May 07, 2012 More Info »
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Published May 07, 2012

Your First College Sexual Experience

Why Your First College Sexual Experience Could be Better

I could have just said your first sexual experience. But any number of you had your first sexual experience in high school. Hell many of you (and everyone in Nevada) had your first sexual experience in Junior High. And losing your virginity in the bedroom of your parents’ house, while Family Matters is turned up full volume so as not to arouse the suspicions of your parents, isn’t, uh, all that arousing.  No, it’s much more special to fuck in your dorm room, where you can make as much noise as possible with the express intention of arousing the attention of anyone within earshot. Honestly, college sex is pretty awesome.

Why the Dark Knight Rises Will be Better

Let’s be more honest. However exciting your first college sexual experience was, it probably didn’t involve Anne Hathaway in a leather cat suit, and if it did, in fact, involve Anne Hathaway in a leather cat suit, well, the second coming is going to seem kind of anti-climactic, speaking of…

The Second Coming

Why the Second Coming Could Be Better

I actually think this whole thing is overrated compared to most cool things; Slim Jims, happy hour, hand jobs. First of all, not everybody believes Jesus is coming back a second time. Hell, any number of people don’t believe Jesus came back the first time. Secondly, given just how conflicted so many orders of Christianity are, just how much fun the rapture is is dependent on which Jesus rolls back. Because the all-knowing, all-forgiving, water-to-wine Jesus would be significantly cooler than the gay hating, Dallas Cowboy fan, write-in Andrew Breitbart’s ghost as President alternative. The Second Coming’s only real selling point is the opportunity to see the Harvey Fierstein in Independence Day-like expression on Bill Maher’s face when Jesus finally confronts him.

Why the Dark Knight Rises Will be Better

It’s probably unfair to assume the Second Coming of Batman will better than the Second Coming of Jesus, but let’s look at the precedent Jesus set with the First Coming. Basically Jesus hid his identity and lectured people. Bruce Wayne does all his lecturing with his mother fucking fists.

The Summer

Why the Summer Could be Better

If you’re still in school stop reading this immediately. The summer is the best time of year. But if you’re out of school? If you’re working fulltime? The summer sucks. You sweat constantly. You can barely leave your office. If you’re a smoker nothing beats sucking down a Maverick when it’s 100 degrees outside. You’re in a suit, on public transportation, melting, as the meth-head sitting next to you offers sips from her liter of Mountain Dew, which you gladly accept because, fuck it, you’re in a black suit and it’s 8 a.m. and the temperature is already hovering at 90 and you’re hung-over, and you’re thirsty. Now I realize I live in California, and many of you mid-westerners and mid-Atlantic types are saying “won’t you just shut up and give us our six weeks of sunshine?” Fair enough. But the reality is cities with bad winters don’t typically have good summers. You ever been to New York in August? New York in August is like living in a trash and Bill Hader as Stefan-filled sauna.

Why the Dark Knight Rises Will be Better

Because it’s indoors! If you’re in New York or Chicago or Houston in the summer you should excitedly go see Part Two of Atlas Shrugged in a theatre.

The Summer Olympics

Why the Summer Olympics Could be Better

Because the Summer Olympics means another month of basketball! But apparently the truncated NBA season has turned every player into David Spade’s car in Tommy Boy. Half the league is out, or maimed, after one week of the playoffs, thanks to the lockout shortened season and confrontational fire hydrants. Consequently I can’t help but think that Team USA, come Olympic time, will look like the Sacramento Kings roster. Because it will be the Sacramento Kings’ roster. Hell, even other countries haven’t been spared. Remember Ricky Rubio’s coming out party last Olympics? This summer if you want to see Ricky Rubio look for the despondent Spanish kid loitering around the Orange Julius at the Mall of America. I know there are other events. And I’m glad Africa gets to dominate in something.  But we’ve come too far to watch Team USA lose by 20 to Latvia. What’s that? If Team USA loses that means Coach K loses? Oh. You’re right. Never mind.

Why the Dark Knight Rises Will be Better

Because that football game that Bain blows up will easily be the most exciting celluloid sporting event since Snake Plissken’s pick-up game in Escape from LA.

The Dark Knight

Why the Dark Knight Could be Better

Look, I like the Dark Knight. If I didn’t like the Dark Knight I wouldn’t be excited for the Dark Knight Rises. Everyone likes the Dark Knight. Everyone but Aaron Eckhart. Dude what happens to that guy after he turns into Two-Face? Was that some sort of performance piece? He spends the last half hour of that movie acting like he’s auditioning to play a bad guy in one of those CBS crime dramas no one I know watches but always dominates the ratings. He’s like the Hayden Christensen of the Star Wars prequels. If Jar Jar Binks wasn’t already the Hayden Christensen of the Star Wars prequels.

Why the Dark Knight Rises Will be Better

Because Harvey Dent is officially, anti-climactically dead! So unless his ghost shows-up we’re off the hook. (Also, if Harvey Dent does come back as a ghost, is his face fully restored? Would Rachel Dawes want to ghost-date him now that he looks like a Cannibal Corpse album cover? Does he feel compelled to use Just For Men products on the non-blonde half of his hair?) And even if Bane comes across at times as phony tough and unintelligible at least he kind of sounds like Darth Vader doing whip-its.

Alcohol

Why Alcohol Could be Better

Just kidding kids. Remember this is a comedy website. Nothing’s better than alcohol.

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