Hall of Fame
The biggest reason you shouldn’t use your cell phone to take a picture of fireworks is that nobody cares. It’s not that nobody cares about your lackluster photograph. I mean, it’s definitely that too. But more importantly, nobody cares about pretty much anything you do. It’s a big universe that you’re floating in and you’re really only significant to yourself. Your visual perspective of a fireworks show, though technically unique like a snowflake, isn’t inherently interesting to anybody or something that needs to be captured. It’s actually the opposite. So just holster that iPhone when the pretty lights start exploding, because nobody cares.
Nobody is ever going to look at your picture, so why bother taking it? The only person who will definitely see it is you right after you take it, and the only thing more certain than that is the fact that you’ll never look at it again. Friends and family might lay inadvertent retinas upon your masterpiece as they later scroll through the various places where you felt compelled to post it, but their brains will probably immediately strike it from the record. This is both a defense mechanism to cope with the annual deluge of pixel garbage and a subconscious effort on their part to keep you in their life. If they really processed that picture and wrapped their mind around how lame you are, they’d most likely never talk to you again.
A good photographer with decent equipment can still take an impressive picture of fireworks. That’s not you x2. It’s important to know your limitations. We can’t all be astronauts, brain surgeons or pyrotechnic paparazzi. The picture you take with your phone of some distant bottle rocket has a 100% chance of looking like a dog shit sandwich. Let the professionals take pictures of fireworks and free up your itinerary to just enjoy the show.
Whether it’s the 4th of July or the end of a baseball game, if you’re looking at fireworks there’s a good chance you’ve been drinking for hours. Very few good things happen when a drunk person decides to use a cell phone. Even if there was a chance that you’re going to get a worthwhile picture (remember: this chance does not exist for you) there’s a much better chance you’ll wind up texting your ex or dropping your $500 device in a swimming pool. If you’re drinking at a 4th of July party, keep it in your pants. Your phone, that is. But feel free to take your dick out, that’s a classic BBQ move that always gets a laugh.
Trying to capture the beauty and magnitude of fireworks with your phone is like trying to make the sun rise by blowing on the moon. Doing it with any level of conviction means you're delusional, dumb or probably both. So before you step up to the plate, reflect on your level of intelligence. If you feel comfortable with your lot in life as a dumb person, then by all means go for it. If you realize you are not an idiot, or at least realize things might work out better for you if people don’t perceive you to be an idiot, don’t get caught trying to take a picture of fireworks with your phone. Oh, and if you think anyone wants to watch your 15 second long Instagram video of fireworks, you’ve got to be one of the dumbest motherfuckers on the planet.
Perhaps this list is overly critical of well-intentioned people. Maybe you just wanted to share that fireworks moment with a person you care about who couldn’t be there. Maybe you’re scared that if you don’t take a picture, your less than stellar grey matter won’t remember this place in time. Maybe you just got that phone yesterday and want to test the camera out. Regardless of what your rationalization is, just put your phone away and enjoy the moment while you’re still alive to soak it in. And if you must take a picture, please don’t post it on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or literally anywhere else. Imagine coming in to work on Monday and someone tries to tell you about some fireworks they saw. Imagine how little you would give a shit about that boring story. Now understand that people care even less about your cell phone picture of fireworks. Happy 4th of July!