Twitter is abuzz and all the world is alight with excitement for the release of the iPhone 5. But I'll be having no part of it. At all. Ever... For now.

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September 12, 2012

5. i can't afford it.

i know. the more traditional route would be to leave the "what it really comes down to" reason for last. but forget that. let's just be upfront, upfront. i can't afford the iphone 5. i can barely afford the iphone 4 that i have now (just ask verizon... or don't. actually, please don't). taking credit card payments, interest rates and the waning of the moon into account, it's more likely than not that i am still paying it off. but make no mistake - not being able to afford something very rarely (if ever) stops me from buying anything. you know what else i can't afford? cable. and going to the movies. and eating out. and eating in general. and rent. and electricity. and my verizon bill. but guess what i somehow manage to pay for month after month? typically, 4 out of the 7 on a rotating basis. so believe me, if i wanted the iphone 5, i would have it. it might be disconnected for the first 6 to 14 weeks, but i'd have it. believe that.

4. it's superficial

sure, sure - it's got some great new internal features: a better camera, better wifi, better blahblahblah, but do you know what everyone keeps harping on? how much thinner and lighter it is. and as a woman, i don't appreciate the pressure. i've already got beyonce's post-baby body, the p90x/insanity craze and pizza crust telling me that thinner is better; i don't need it from my phone too. something i use regulary suddenly being lighter is automatically going to make me feel heavier which is automatically going to throw my self-esteem balance all out of whack, which would lead me to either: 
a) work overtime to better myself or
b) spiral out of control.
either way, it would invove more energy than i'd like to exert and probably missing some episodes of my favorite tv shows. and i ain't with that. plus, i don't want to make my iphone 4 feel bad. i want her to know that she is still relevent. that she is beautiful just the way she is. and that she is enough. ** (see note.)

3. i don't trust SIRI

i have friends who have the 4S and i can say with absolute certainty that SIRI does not like me. messages have gone unrecieved (and unsent), my number has been erased and my events have mysteriously disappeared from calendars. sure, all those things were happening before the 4S was even a thing, but if SIRI was supposed to make everything so much better, then scientifically, the fact that there was a 0% change in the frequency of those issues is a 100% failure on SIRI's part. but apple said SIRI was meant to be all things to all people and i believe apple; so it can only mean one thing: SIRI's ineptitude is not an across the board failure, but a personal vendetta against me. why? i don't know. maybe she read some of the texts that i sent through her about her. or maybe the "S" in 4S stands for "supremacist" and she's like the cro-magnuns in the "clan of the cave bear" series - looking down on and refusing to communicate with the neanderthals. but ayla didn't stand for that. and neither will i. i don't need you SIRI. so you can build your brave new world without me. ** (see note.)

2. everybody else is going to

here's something you need to know about me that will tell you everything you need to know about me: i'm a rebel. a renegade. a lone wolf in ranger's clothing. not the clearly unstable kind of anti-extremist that doesn't own an iphone at all (watch those'uns closely), i'm the righteous kind. i buck trends. i shun the crowd and capital letters. i don't keep up with kardashians. i'd say i march to the beat of my own drum, but that's cliche and i eat cliches for... meals. certainly not breakfast, because studies will tell you that's the most important meal of the day and i rebel against studies. and studying. and living in williamsburg. and honey boo boo. and being run over by amanda bynes. and whatever else is hot at the moment. including the iphone 5. ** (see note.)

1. i just got a new adapter and power cables

i ordered them from hong kong appoximately 7 weeks ago and they just arrived three days ago. on paper, they cost me $1.57, but taking into account credit interest rates, ocean tides and the budget of the last superman movie, i'll paying them off for at least the next 4 months. so the fiscally prudent thing to do is get as much use out of them as possible. and so i shall. i'm gonna charge my iphone 4 like there's no tomorrow. although, obviously, for my iphone, unlike so many others who will be so quickly, coldly and callously traded in, there will be a tomorrow. not just for tomorrow, but for many more tomorrows to come. ** (see note.)



any and/or all of my previous statments and/or beliefs are extremely changeable and/or subject to change based on weather, good and/or bad hair days, sudden cash flow and/or pretty much any and/or everything else.

note: ** = for now.