5 Reasons NOT to Use Peanut Butter to Masturbate Yourself

By Dan Abramson March 9, 2011 | 92,162 Views
Get your hand out of that jar of Skippy! Get it out. It's very important that you keep your lube separate from your lunch.
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#1

peanut-butter-swirl-large.jpgObviously, when it comes to masturbating yourself with peanut butter, different brands yield different results. It goes without saying that the higher the quality the peanut butter, the better the sensation. So, say you get used to using Jiff, which is no shock because Jiff feels amazing, and over the years you rely on the feeling that only a highfalutin peanut butter like that can provide. But then, you get fired from your job at the banana museum and you can only afford store-brand peanut butter. It goes without saying that you'll never be able to masturbate yourself to completion with that. Store brand peanut butter is all dry and mealy.

#2

nochunk.jpgYou're going down a scary road. After you start masturbating yourself with peanut butter, you'll undoubtedly grow tired of the smooth varieties and will think "Oh, I now require Super Chunky to get myself off." DO NOT. NEVER BUY SUPER CHUNKY. You will be in a world of pain.

#3

clog.jpgPeanut Butter in your peehole does not come out.

(PICTURED: Man with clogged peehole)

#4

lunch.jpgIt's a gateway lube. One that leads to trying all the ingredients that can be used for making kindergartner's lunches. And once you try jelly, there's no turning back. It provides for an efficiency you can't get anywhere else - something you'll need when making sandwiches for children. 

#5

tongue-peanut-butter.jpegOne faulty lock on your door, and you and your dog will never look at each other the same again.

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  • LMAO
  • Not very funny at all
  • sooooo wrong !! perv!
  • Seriously, at first I thought you were active naive for comedic effect, which almost worked, but when I got to the las one I realized "HOLY SHITCICLE, BATMAN! This guy really think people masturbate with peanut butter for it's lubrication value??" Which, obviously, is about the worse idea I've ever heard next to your final post which, if you've even been on amy sort of -chan board, at least works. So it took you five 'jokes' to accidentally guess the real reason. I'm not going to make fun of you for being twelve, I'm just going to silently hope that you are, because there's no other reason not to know why ANYONE would smear peanut butter on their privates[unless you're a decent human being who never watches porn or tells dirty jokes, which is about as real of a thing as god].
 
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