"'Bootylicious' fly named after Beyonce"
"A previously unnamed species of horse fly with a glamorous golden rear end has been named Beyonce because it is the "all-time diva of flies," researchers say." Well if researchers say they found the insect equivalent of Beyonce's ass, it must be true. Thank God the mystery has finally been solved by professionals...
"Oops! Passengers Erroneously Told Plane Was About to Crash"
Apparently at 3am passengers on a British Airways flight were awoken with a panicked automated message that their plane was about to crash into the sea. As they began crying, holding each other, praying to their respective gods and most likely pissing themselves; the captain interrupted with "Oops!". A statement this MSNBC reporter apparently thought was so appropriate, she stole it for the headline. I would have preferred "Oops! Passengers May Need Years of Trauma Therapy Due to Jackass".
"Man Gives Up 94 Hamsters"
....but don't worry I'm sure he kept the other 47. Incidentally, NEVER EVER Google image search "man and hamster love". Lets just say the results I recieved weren't exactly work friendly.
"Miami Strip Club Sorry About Putting MLK Jr. On Its Flyer"
As Martin Luther King said in his famous speech; "...even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: To Always Choose Absurdity over Common Sense."
"10-year-old Gets Day of Recognition for Cinnamon Rolls"
"They have frosting and they’re sweet and yummy,” Sam reportedly told the mayor. 'Then they shall have a holiday if you so wish, my good lad! Secretary take a note; cancel Veteran's Day immediately & replace it with Cinnamon Roll Recognition Day.' This mayor sounds like either a pedophile or Willy Wonka but either way he'd DEFINITELY get my vote.
"Woman Offers Sex for Chicken McNuggets"
I'm pretty positive this was an episode of Maury I saw once as well. Apparently there is a woman who hangs out around McDonalds(es?) offering oral sex for chicken McNuggets. More unbelievable than that? This was front page news for MSNBC a few months ago. Ahhhhh journalism, such a time-honored & proud profession. I mean not quite as respectable as the BJ/McNugget trade, but we can't ALL have such glamorous jobs. Unless of course we have enough McNuggets to trade for them, if yuh catch my drift. ;)
"James May and his Full-Size Lego House Nobody Wants"
According to the article, "James May has just built the world’s first full-size Lego house – including a working toilet, hot shower and a very uncomfortable bed – using 3.3million plastic bricks." However, the vineyard he built it upon needs their land back to harvest grapes. Since no one would come to claim it (even after it was offered for free) he was faced with a tragedy that all of us who went to preschool know far to well. Unfortunately, the vineyard in question could not find a giant 3 year old to come along and stomp it all down because 'his was way better anyway', so they had to use chainsaws.
"Wisconsin Man Arrested for Playing too Much Cowbell"
All I can say is that I think people who play the cowbell for any more than 30 seconds should be immediately arrested regardless of the situation. Unless they just happen to be a cow with really amazing rhythm walking around, a night in the slammer should definitely be required.
"Meet Winkelheimer, the Painting Squirrel"
Except he can't really paint. He is just being held captive by a nut job in Louisiana and has a really funny name. Basically an "artist" is just offering him food attached to the end of a paintbrush and holding the paper up to wherever he happens to move said brush while nibbling. A better headline? 'Squirrel Scams "Creative" Dumbass For Free Food'
"For Suspect Gun Is Literally A Pain In The Butt"
So basically a man on his way to jail stuck the above unregistered, very LARGE revolver up his rectum and MSNBC was like: "BAH-BOOM-BOOM-CHE!" aka instant rimshot.com. Great job journalists! That's some hard-hitting stuff....