You hear your name called, you walk across the stage, shake your dean’s hand, receive a REALLY expensive piece of paper, and return to your seat amongst those in attendance. Congratulations! You just graduated college. Here are some realizations you’re about to have: SPOILER ALERT: If you haven’t graduated college yet and do NOT want to know what’s in store for you stop reading immediately. These realizations are real and happen to every college graduate.

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May 02, 2013

1. You Owe A Lot Of Money

Quote of realization:Forty grand per year?!  Oh God.”

Get ready to cry.  Because you know what comes with a college degree?  Debt.  A lot of debt.  Each month you’re going to pay your student loan bills, which means you’re going to need to cut back on spending when it comes to certain luxuries you may be used to like: eating lunch, eating dinner, and eating.  Usually at this point people make jokes like, “You can always sell your body,” and you can.  That’s an option.  

2. It’s Time To Move Back Into Your Dad’s Home Gym (Your Childhood Bedroom)

Quote of realization: “But, Mom, he’s gonna get that treadmill out of there, right?”

It’s not so bad sleeping on a workout bench.  The issue is when you begin waking up at 6 a.m. every day to the site of your old man briskly peddling on a stationary bike while wearing a tank top and shorts.  Small shorts.  Ugh.  But hey, at least that little kid, dinosaur wallpaper’s finally gone… yeah, you’re right.  That really sucks, too.  

3. It’s Impossible To Find A Job

Quote of realization: “Shit.”

Welcome to the “real world.”  A place where everyone has a college degree and everyone’s underemployed (or unemployed like you).  You have your degree, your resume, and some business casual clothes from Kohl’s, but for some reason you just can’t find a job.  It’s time to aim low.*  Stop sending your form cover letter that highlights your time as the president of a college a capella group called the The Accafellas and Ladies to those career placement sites.  No one wants to read that, no one will read that, and thankfully, no one will read that.

*If you started to aim low upon graduating and still don’t have a job it’s time to aim even lower.  I’m thinking Arby’s.

4. Your First Job Sucks

Quote of realization: “So this is all this is?”

Welcome to the REAL “real world.”  Are you enjoying your cubicle?  No?  The fast-paced environment?  No?  How about your fun coworker Barb who won’t stop talking about the flea market “you just have to go to”?  No?  Good.  Your college degree is being put to use then.  Remember when you didn’t have a job?  This is what you wanted.  So keep sitting at your desk, collect your pay checks, and wait for that year to pass so you can apply to a “better” administrative assistant job where you’ll get hired and realize that that job also sucks.

5. Drinking On A Tuesday Night Isn’t As Cool As It Used To Be

Quote of realization: “God, I miss college.”

In college Tuesday was just another day to drink, but now it’s just a sad day to drink.  Though the saddest part has to be when the Applebee’s wait staff knows you specifically came in for the bottomless riblet basket and the $2 Coors Light drafts.  Well, that or the fact that you’re hanging there with your friends from high school and Barb. 

6. You Shouldn’t Have Graduated

Quote of realization: “God, I really miss college.”

Look at your life right now.  Is it as good as it was in college?  No?  Yeah, me too.