Electric Daisy Carnival is one of the biggest electronic music events of the year. You might think most of the DJ’s are on stage, but it turns out that every single person attending the festival is a DJ. Somehow, over 100% of the people there are actually DJ’s. They play house parties, or some night at a local bar or just techno in their car at full volume every day regardless of traffic conditions. All of that now qualifies you to say you’re a DJ. The whole “I’m a DJ” thing has gotten a bit out of control in the past few years. Self-proclaimed DJ’s who play songs off their iTunes are the new people who play acoustic guitar poorly. It might get you laid eventually, but you’re running the party for the rest of us.
Basically Naked Girls
These ladies walk a fine line between provocative and arrested, and that line is usually neon colored and firmly lodged betwixt their labia. You have to take the good with the bad in this category. There will be some uncomfortably beautiful women wearing nothing, and then there will be some things you see that you can’t un-see. Not everybody is supposed to be naked all the time, and there’s ample evidence of that at any large gathering of people. These girls usually have at least one dude with them. I imagine part of that is for security, much like the guards who shadow Mickey at Disneyland making sure nobody takes advantage of a vulnerable person doing nothing but bringing joy to strangers. I imagine a bigger reason is they need someone with pockets to carry their cigarettes and chap stick.
I’ve been to a few music festivals, and here are three things I never do: 1) Go alone. 2) Go without drugs if I want to take drugs. 3) Wear khaki cargo shorts. And yet, that’s who you’ll bump into at EDC: a man by himself wearing khaki cargo shorts looking to buy some drugs. Seriously, who does that? Where are they getting their intel that this is how people behave at these things? Just politely smile and tell this police officer that you do not have any drugs. Don’t make the mistake of saying you don’t have any drugs to sell, because that will probably mean a visit to a Nevada jail cell. Honestly, if you’re dumb enough to get caught by one of these cops, you deserve to be cut from the team. Festival Darwinism, keep up.
Most people at this circus will be on ecstasy, but EDC is in Las Vegas and Las Vegas is fueled by alcohol so there will be no shortage of drunk folks in attendance. Finding out if someone at EDC is drunk or on ecstasy is as easy as looking at the beverage in their hand. If it’s a beer, make sure not to jostle them as you walk by so as to avoid a potential fight. If it’s a water bottle, go give them a hug and tell them they’re a beautiful ray of light vibrating in outer space. The funny thing about drunk people at EDC is they will actually tell you they’re sober because they’re not on MDMA. It’s like when you call someone in the middle of the night and they refuse to acknowledge they just woke up. Guy, you just put down 10 shots of Jack Daniels and have a half gram of cocaine on your person. If that’s sobriety, rehab would have a line.
Confused Blue Man Group Enthusiasts
The Blue Man Group, a peculiar act of note on this year’s lineup, has been performing in Vegas for years and they probably have some diehard local fans. These fans will want to support their boys in blue at a major festival and will almost certainly have no idea what they’re in for. When some girl with a hula-hoop and face paint shows them her tits for no reason, they’re going to realize they’re no longer on the strip. That kind of thing costs at least $20 there. Blue Man Group is actually performing at 4:00am, which means their loyal followers will have to wade through hours upon hours of pounding electronic music, laser lights and unbridled decadence. I’m guessing most of them won’t make it. They’ll probably leave not too long after they arrive and have a silent car ride home wondering what happened to the world they thought they understood.
This is the rarest type of person at EDC because there is only one of him. Native to the Florida swamp lands, Diplo can be found braving the hot desert conditions of the Las Vegas Speedway at this year’s Electric Daisy Carnival. He can be most easily identified by an entourage of at least four people who look like they’re either ready to fight crime or cause it. Ladies: if someone tells you they’re Diplo (a common pickup line at festivals) demand to see government issued ID and get something tweeted @ you. If you can’t be at EDC this year, I highly suggest following @Diplo on twitter. His coverage of things like this is more or less unparalleled. It’s basically the Al Jazeera of pictures of girls doing handstands and updates from 8:00am after parties at IHOP.
People Who Have Been Awake for 72 Hours
As previously stated, most people here will be on a shitload of ecstasy. C’est la rave. Since we all had a meeting a few years ago and decided as a human race that festivals need to be three days long (I think I missed it, but it must’ve happened because everyone seems to be on the same page about that) there will be plenty of people who simply do not sleep the entire time. A potent blend of “don’t stop or we’ll die” attitude mixed with an internal toxicology that chemically stops the possibility of slumber. Find them wandering around the Caesar’s Palace lobby at 10am nursing a warm recovery beer, or standing in the Cosmopolitan swimming pool wearing at least two pairs of sunglasses. Have fun, you crazy kids! I don’t know who employs you, but best of luck showing up to work on Monday morning.