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As you zip through Starbucks in the morning, you may not notice the regular customers that sit for hours a day at coffee shops. Next time you go, glance around and see if you don't see one of these people.
Published May 31, 2009 More Info »
Additional Credits
Additional Credits:
Written by Lauren Palmigiano
82 Funny Votes
24 Die Votes
10,951 Views
Published May 31, 2009

Six Coffee Shop Regulars

As you zip through Starbucks in the morning, you may not notice the regular customers that sit for hours a day at coffee shops. Next time you go, glance around and see if you don't see one of these people.

6. The Blind Date

Why would two people meet for coffee in the afternoon? Because their moms set them up and coffee is easiest way to  get out of a date fast. At a coffee shop, as soon as you find out what a loser you’ve been set up with, you can gulp down your cup and be on your way. Listen close to the two people with awkward and distant body language.

"Oh, you don’t have a day job, you sell cleanse supplements not yet approved by the FDA? No I don't want to see a pamphlet."

"That’s really interesting that you’ve never been to the movies. No, I don't want to break you in."

5. AA Confession with a Sponsor

Do you see the guy who hasn't shaved in three days talking to an intense overweight lady wearing a sweater even though it's way too hot to be wearing a sweater? Coffee shops don't serve alcohol, but it serves alcoholics daily. These are them. Ah, a confession to a sponsor about the weekends mishaps.

"I didn't think a few sips would hurt me. But I couldn't stop there."

These are people you'll want to listen to, unless you have a weak stomach. Plan on hearing something fucked up involving nudity, animals, or poop.

4. Hungover Poet

She writes poetry in her leather bound journal. Her arms are bruised from who knows what, her eyes are blood shot from being out so late, and her feelings ooze through her. She's full of regret from the night before. Will she ever get it together? She's never shown anyone her poetry and today she's one line in -

Bright smiles burn my soul as bright sunshine burns my eyes...


Ouch. That's going to be awful.

3. Buff Gay Men

Similar to an elderly couple, the buff gay male couple sits in silence and sips their skinny frappacinos and doesn't say a word to each other. They might share a fruit cup or granola bar. Their tank tops will squeeze their bulging muscles and make the rest of us question the choice of half and half. And whatever you do, don't try to pet the German Shepherd laying under the table.

2. Teenager Table

It's hard to know what to expect any time there are more than two teenagers hanging together. At a coffee shop, they are drinking shots of espresso like tequila. Don't stick around for more than a few minutes. When the espresso hits them along with the oreo mudslide they're all sharing, it's a caffeine sugar high that will result in projectiles. Teenagers like to throw things. And they like to throw them and the smug jerk in the room. That's you. Move on.

1. Moody Screenwriter

The moody screenwriter has been at the coffee shop for four hours. He wears glasses and works on a mac. So do you though, so don't be a dick about it. You can’t see what’s on his screen - do you think he's working on his copy of  Syd Field’s “Screenwriting Workshop” or staring at the iTunes visualizer?

If you're wearing a suit, try going up to him and say you are a Hollywood agent and interested in his unique voice.
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