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Despite Lucasfilm basically kicking sand in the faces of fans, a few enterprising individuals have defied the will of Lucas’s merchandising empire and formed a rebel alliance to ensure that you could own these things, in some unofficial capacity or another.
Published April 12, 2013 More Info »
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Published April 12, 2013

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A long time ago in a boardroom far, far away, Pepsi and George Lucas decided to get together and release some Star Wars themed items together. Unfortunately for everything that is awesome, the deal fell through. I detailed some of these items in This Article.

Years later, a few pieces of concept art were leaked out, melting faces with the sheer level of awesome sauce with a side serving of gnarly salt that they portrayed.  The whole story behind the art can be read Here.

Now that the sale to Disney has gone through, fans seem to be asking Alderaan questions. Can Disney really ruin the franchise any more than Lucas himself has? Could we finally see some of these items as an officil release?

Heck, we may even finally get a chance for a Blu-ray release of the original episodes. I hope that they at least make the new trilogy appear to have been filmed in the ‘60s so my kids are super confused when they watch the series in sequential order.

However, despite Lucasfilm basically kicking sand in the faces of fans and taunting “Neener, neener, you can’t ever own these!” A few enterprising individuals have defied the will of Lucas’s merchandising empire and formed a rebel alliance to ensure that you could own these things, in some unofficial capacity or another. See what I did there? I used an analogy that encompassed the plot of Star Wars to describe what happened… My god, I’m a geek.

 

Han Solo in Carbonite Fridge

What they didn't want you to have:

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Can you think of a better ornamental use of a corpse frozen in Carbonite?!

 
What you can actually own:
 
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A Han Solo encased in Carbonite business desk, not quite as ‘cool’ as the fridge, but pretty awesome nonetheless.

Princess Leia hair Headphones

What they didn't want you to have:

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Why is her Spider-Sense tingling?

What you can actually own:

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Yep, someone went right ahead and made these anyway, because, why the hell wouldn’t you?

What they didn't want you to have:

What you can actually own:

TaunTaun Suit

What they didn't want you to have:

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If you’re hanging out with people who don’t realize that “what appear to be your legs are really artificial”, you probably need new friends… Friends who don’t instantly assume that you’ve somehow turned into a Tauntaun Centaur rather than drawing the logical conclusion that you’re wearing a goddamned costume.

What you can actually own:

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Well, you can own this if you are a complete and utter legend and have the ability to create a suit that gives nerdgasms where ever it goes. Oh, and did we mention that the thing is f***ing automated? You can continue touching yourself now.

Jabba The Hutt Beanbag Chair

What they didn't want you to have:

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Because what can be more relaxing than giving a lapdance to Jabba the Hutt?

What you can actually own:
 
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A few prototypes were actually made, so if you are affluent enough, you could totally snap this up. Or you could just print up an iron on decal and make your own. You have to provide your own Princess Leia slave bikini, though.

R2-D2 Projector

What they didn't want you to have:

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You know that this would totally be used solely to watch pornography, right?

What you can actually own:

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For the princely sum of $2,799.95, you too can own this projector to watch your Star Wars Blu-rays or that dodgy burnt DVD of “Star Whores” that you insist you didn’t buy.

Death Star Grill

What they didn't want you to have:

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Rancor Burgers, Womp Rat Kebabs, Jawa Testicles, We cook it all at “DEATH STAR GRILL”!

What you can actually own:
 
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Bryan A. Tate thought it would be interesting to use two common Weber grills to create the ultimate Star Wars cooking device, the Death Star Grill. Although not as detailed as the prototype design, it’s fully functional and was put up on EBAY at a starting bid of $50 USD.

Darth Vader Gumball Dispenser

What they didn't want you to have:

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I could make a joke about sucking on Darth Vader’s balls, but…

What you can actually own:

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Mustn’t - Make – Testicle – Joke!

Death Star Beach Ball

What they didn't want you to have:

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In the Star Wars universe, only the Tuskan raiders truly have “beach balls”… And there goes my resolve to not make a testicle joke. Oh well, I can always take solace in the fact that I know how to spell ‘Inflatable’ correctly, I guess.

What you can actually own:

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According to this picture, you can either own an actual death star beach ball or a creepy, shiny kid that seems to be the living personification of the uncanny valley. Look at those eyes. They peer into your very soul.

Bantha Slippers

What they didn't want you to have:

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Considering that a  Bantha is roughly the size of an elephant, one can only assume that these must be slippers crafted from Bantha Fetus’s. Stylish.

What you can actually own:

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If you’ve ever had an overwhelming desire to foot fuck your favorite Star Wars character, you have a wide array of choices, including subjecting your child to the horror of having Jar-Jar Binks peering up at them every time they cast a furtive, fearful glance at their feet.

Death Star Dartboard

What they didn't want you to have:

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I think not naming this a ‘Darth Board’ is really a missed opportunity on Pepsi’s behalf.

What you can actually own:

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Although not as cool as an electronic Death Star Darth Board (I don’t care, I’m running with it!), somebody took at least a little initiative and created this dartboard so you can get all of your prequel-aggression out safely.

Jedi Mood Ring

What they didn't want you to have:

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Mood rings, yeah! Titsawesome! Nothing says badass Jedi like a ring that displays when you’ve been listening to Nick Cave!

What you can actually own:

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Not quite as paradoxically cool and lame as the mood rings, you can still show your allegiance with these snazzy little numbers.

Galactic Foosball

What they didn't want you to have:

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There’s something creepy about your favourite characters being displayed as limbless Soccer playing torsos… But it sure beats the hell out of watching pod racing, I guess.

What you can actually own:

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A product of the much maligned prequels, this table is adorned with clone troopers and those other, robot things that everyone pretty much hated.

Star Wars Stress Balls

What they didn't want you to have:

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It was back to the drawing board after the failed “Jabba the Hutt" sexual aids failed to take off.

What you can actually own:

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Despite neglecting the character most suited to stress ball design, you can buy both Darth Vader and C3P0 stress balls to practice your force choking technique.

Galactic Big Game Trophies

What they didn't want you to have:

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If you had these on your wall, you may as well change your name to “PussyHammer” due to the amount of women who will be throwing themselves at you.

What you can actually own:

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Although you can’t mount the head of a Star Wars creature above your mantle, you CAN replicate the feeling of having hunted and skinned a Wampa with this stylish throw rug.

 

Star Wars Landscape Fish Tank

What they didn't want you to have:

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Awesome. A fish tank you can’t put fish into. Or drown Gungans in. Great.

What you can actually own:
 
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A Dagobah frog habitat, for the series purists, or a Naboo scene for those who favor the prequels. And to cater to both demographics, an R2-D2 tank that apparently fails in every respect, especially in the holding water department. You could also buy a squid and call him Admiral Ackbar. Or not.
 
Follow Sean on TWITTER. He's never met anybody named Richard who wasn't a Dick.
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