A few ideas to help you be a better person. By Warren Arnold.

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July 15, 2011

End an argument by screaming “Because I said so!” and disappearing with the aid of a Batman-style smoke pellet.

Fight recent weight gain by shaving vertical lines into your body hair.

Wrap some tiny chains made of weak metal around your wrists, then violently break free while you shriek at your boss “No, YOU’RE laid off!”

Measure the length and weight of your bowel movements.

Treat  your job at Arby’s as a form of speed dating.

Bury a small acorn in a large, empty field. Thirty years later, come marvel at the magnificent oak tree you had a hand in creating and introduce it to your hot stripper wife, Cherry Tits.

        Try to top the previous day’s bowel movement.

        Buy a BMW. Get real jerky about it.

        Rally your small town to finally get Baby Cody out of that well instead of just throwing down food and water while you recap this season of Mad Men via megaphone.

        Work on your calf muscles to the point of obsession.

        Climb to the top of Mt. Rainier and as you marvel at the power of your will and determination to conquer nature, finally whip up the courage to chop off that sixth finger with your camp axe.