Having friends is an important part of blending in with society and we've all got to do it sometime if we want to keep the cops out of our basement WHERE THEY DON'T BELONG.

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June 27, 2011


I don't usually let people into my home unless they're already dead but sometimes when they're alive I let them in too because they get suspicious otherwise and suspicions ARE HOW YOU GET CAUGHT.

My first suggestion for not getting caught when you have to have humans in your home is to have cats. I have cats anyway because THEY DON'T LIE TO ME unlike people do, but maybe you do not like to have cats around. In this case you might have to pick up a cat at your local shelter, but do not be afraid: you can let cats go after you are done with them.

People like to see that you have cats because it proves that you are capable of sustaining a life other than your own. With this information they will make multiple other assumptions like that you have emotions, that you are friendly, and that you will not make other people into soap. This is because normals are INFECTED BY THE PIG CULTURE.

So when you first invite other people into your home introduce them to your cat and say something nice about that cat to prove it is yours. YOU CAN MAKE IT UP, THEY WON'T QUESTION YOU.

Hors douvres

Next you might have to feed the other people in your house when you let them in. People sometimes get hungry when they are a guest, but if you ask them THEY WILL LIE TO YOU and say they are not hungry but don't believe them. You must not let them see the refrigerator.

To understand what people eat you have to sometimes be aware of the PIG CULTURE THAT IS TRYING TO INVADE YOUR MIND but this is okay for me because I like to know my ENEMY. I suggest deviled eggs.

Simply boil eggs and then take their shells off. Scoop out the yellow part and mix with mayonnaise and mustard. Scoop this back into the white part of the egg. DO NOT ADD BLOOD.

You might have to be asked by the other people what your recipe is and you will tell them it is a family recipe. DO NOT BEGIN TO TALK ABOUT YOUR FAMILY AFTER THIS because this raises suspicions.


Next comes music. The other people hate silence because it reminds them of their own MORTALITY. Luckily now there are websites that will play music for you so that you do not have to own music or any sound making devices THAT OTHERWISE WOULD LET IN THE PIG CULTURE.

I suggest The Beatles. Everyone likes the Beatles. If your other people ask about what you like about music reply that you listen to the beatles and you don't really listen to music.



At some point you might be pressured to provide entertainment. It is difficult to find "entertainment" that IS NOT POISON FROM THE PIGS but it is possible.

I suggest board games since many were made before the pigs, but choosing a good one is a difficult task because you have to be careful to not choose one that makes you REVEAL PERSONAL INFORMATION. This is why I suggest parcheesi.

Parcheesi will sometimes make you angry so make sure that you occasionally excuse yourself to EXTINGUISH THE RAGE on whatever you are currently storing in your basement.

Extra tips

--It is not normal to know the human anatomy and most people do not like to talk about it in depth so do not talk about that.


--Make sure you choose a color scheme for your tablescape that doesn't clash. CLASHING COLORS INDICATE INSANITY and suggest that maybe you kill people and will make the other people suspicious.

--When freeing cats after use, use gloves OR YOU WILL BLEED AND LET THE PIG INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM.

--Try to shave beforehand, but never shave during the party.