The "man without a country" will surely need to make some rubles while living in Russia. Considering Putin's hard line on the former NSA's ability to use stolen spy material and do anything to harm the USA, we've put together a list of possible jobs to keep the "illustrious defector" in strippers and vodka.
I'd like to thank Edward Snowden for stealing shit I don't care about. I'd like to thank Evo Morales for being strip searched. High fives to Nicolas Maduro, Daniel Ortega, the Castro brothers, and Whatshisname Correa from Ecuador for making life in the Americas just that much funnier. Also, special shout out to Sen. Lindsay Graham for giving my testicles goose bumps (no special reason, just creepy).
Yeah, sure, things have gotten better in the old USSR, but this is still quite the prestegious job. It's said that top salesmen at the Russian company, Kimberslov-Klarkski, make their weight in Rubles. Plus, it's a plus to know where the cleanest women shop (wink).
Bolivian Airlines Counter Person - Moscow
Sure, he speaks neither Russian, nor Spanish, but he owes Evo. Having the fact that you singlehandedly made the western world "pull over", and "strip search" a presidential plane has to weigh pretty heavy on your conscience. There was probably some Bolivian conspiring in this case, but catch Evo on a three day coca chewing binge, and you better be ready to bend over backward and apologize.
With the black market taking over the lion's share of sales, the country is looking to bring clients back to the real economy. What better way than having the face of freedom point you to the adult diaper or tampon aisle.
Minister of Press Freedom
HAHA!!! Psyche. That's bullshit. No such thing in Russia.
Security Attache - Secret Papers Division
Actually, this is just a fancy name for a security guard job at a toilet paper warehouse. Maybe if you tried harder at that sales job you wouldn't be stuck in Minsk.
Women ages 40-60 all across Moscow have been wondering what's in those "secret briefs" everyone's been talking about.
He'll probably want to turn this down if they offer such a thing. It's a test. One, they won't let him near the internet, and two, they will kill anything called Tsar.
Venezuelan Airlines Counter Person
This will be an escape attempt. He may be able to fit into the cleft of President Nicolas Maduro's chin.
Russian Subway's Jared
Pictures prove Snowden's lost a lot of weight while waiting his fate in transit. Don't be surprised when he walks out of the airport holding a large pair of slacks to his right and dawning a "Subway" t-shirt.
When he does fuck up and do something to harm Russian-American relations, expect him to be asked to strip down to a loin cloth, paint his face with mud, and run through the Russian forest while a bare chested Vladimr Putin hunts him down with a cross bow.