Pick a Crime
This might seem obvious, but tons of people get tripped up here before they even get started. You want to make sure you pick something that is actually illegal. Let’s take a look at some things that are crimes, versus not crimes:
NOT a Crime: Eating at the Outback Steakhouse
NOT a Crime: Napping
Crime: Tax Evasion
NOT a Crime: Spoiling “The Dark Knight Rises”
NOT a Crime: Murdering a ghost
I know what you’re thinking: “ghosticide isn’t a crime?” Nope. For one thing, ghosts are already dead, and therefore it is very difficult if not impossible to murder one. For another thing, even if it were possible to kill a ghost, it probably wouldn’t fall under the jurisdiction of state or federal law. Also, there’s no such thing as ghosts. To be honest, the fact that this was your go-to idea is a little troubling. Please try to take this more seriously.
Pick Your Accomplices
Now that you’ve picked a crime, you’re going to need to find someone trustworthy to help you commit it. Here are a few typical potential accomplices and their pros and cons:
Pro: Owns tools.
Con: 11 PM curfew cuts out prime law-breaking hours.
Pro: Super trustworthy, tall.
Con: Probably not cool with you murdering anyone.
Pro: Ain’t heard nuttin’, pal.
A Good Book
Pro: Great company.
Con: You’ll never be as strong, pretty as Katniss.
Get an Alibi
This is crucial. When interrogated by the police, you’ll want to have a strong alibi that proves you couldn’t possibly have committed the crime. No just any alibi will do, though—the cops have heard every generic story in the book. It’s essential you make your story believable—the more specific the better. Here’re some examples of weak alibis, and how they might be improved:
Unbelievable: “I was at the Outback Steakhouse.”
Believable: “I was eating a Bloomin’ Onion at the Outback Steakhouse and definitely not killing a hobo.”
Unbelievable: “I was getting drinks with friends.”
Believable: “I was blackout drunk and therefore cannot account for my whereabouts.”
Unbelievable: “I was at a concert.”
Believable: “I am popular dubstep producer Skrillex.”
Make Your Getaway
You’ve done the dirty deed with the help of your inner circle, and you have a rock-solid alibi. All that’s left is to make your getaway. Here are some tips depending on the method of transportation you use:
Car: If you go with a car, be sure to pick an inconspicuous vehicle. From Adam West to Christian Bale, that Batmobile speeding from the scene could have been driven by any number of Batmans.
Bike: Do not ride a bike, as most bicyclists are smug assholes who should go to jail anyway.
Plane: Avoid planes if possible. You’ve done plenty of murdering for one day, slugger.
Walking: What are you, poor?