Everyone has thought about breaking the law at some point in their life. Here's how to not get caught:

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July 19, 2012

Pick a Crime

This might seem obvious, but tons of people get tripped up here before they even get started. You want to make sure you pick something that is actually illegal. Let’s take a look at some things that are crimes, versus not crimes:

Crime: Assault

NOT a Crime: Eating at the Outback Steakhouse

Crime: Kidnapping

NOT a Crime: Napping

Crime: Tax Evasion

NOT a Crime: Spoiling “The Dark Knight Rises”

Crime: Murder

NOT a Crime: Murdering a ghost

I know what you’re thinking: “ghosticide isn’t a crime?” Nope. For one thing, ghosts are already dead. For another thing, even if it were possible to kill a ghost, it probably wouldn’t fall under the jurisdiction of state or federal law. Also, there’s no such thing as ghosts. Please try to take this more seriously.

Pick Your Accomplices

Now that you’ve picked a crime, you’re going to need to find someone trustworthy to help you commit it. Here are a few typical potential accomplices and their pros and cons:

Your Dad

Pro: Owns tools.

Con: 11 PM curfew cuts out prime law-breaking hours.

Abraham Lincoln

Pro: Super trustworthy, tall.

Con: Probably not cool with you murdering anyone.

Joe Paterno

Pro: Ain’t heard nuttin’, pal.

Con: Dead.

A Good Book

Pro: Great company.

Con: You’ll never be as strong, pretty as Katniss.


Pro: Robo.

Con: Cop.

Get an Alibi

This is crucial. When interrogated by the police, you’ll want to have a strong alibi that proves you couldn’t possibly have committed the crime. No just any alibi will do, though—the cops have heard every generic story in the book. It’s essential you make your story believable—the more specific the better. Here’re some examples of weak alibis, and how they might be improved:

Unbelievable: “I was at the Outback Steakhouse.”

Believable: “I was eating a Bloomin’ Onion at the Outback Steakhouse and definitely not killing a hobo.”

Unbelievable: “I was getting drinks with friends.”

Believable: “I was blackout drunk and therefore cannot account for my whereabouts.”

Unbelievable: “I was at a concert.”

Believable: “I am popular dubstep producer Skrillex.”

Make Your Getaway

You’ve done the dirty deed with the help of your inner circle, and you have a rock-solid alibi. All that’s left is to make your getaway. Here are some tips depending on the method of transportation you use:

Car: If you go with a car, be sure to pick an inconspicuous vehicle. From Adam West to Christian Bale, that Batmobile speeding from the scene could have been driven by any number of Batmans.

Bike: Do not ride a bike, as most bicyclists are smug assholes who should go to jail anyway.

Plane: Avoid planes if possible. Airports are stressful! You’ve done plenty of murdering for one day, slugger.

Walking: What are you, poor?